These diplomats have a sense of humour! Azerbaijani mobsters... umm... politicians and the funny US diplomat

Still trawling through the mass of cables published by Wikileaks. Even with Assange's arrest today, the whistle blower site will continue unabated in revealing these documents. Quite hypocritical that we have politicians like Australia's Prime Minister Julia Gillard condemning Wikileaks with comments like 'the foundation stone of it is an illegal act, information was taken and that was illegal', when she herself has used and published illegally obtained leaks when it politically suited her.

What has embarrassed the US government most is that the it has exposed the two-faced nature of its international diplomacy and that it knows that some of its allies are hardly transparent and operate contrary to the principles of freedom, democracy and equality that it supposed espouses and encourages. A case in point is the former Soviet republic of Azerbaijan, which despite being autocratically ruled as a personal fiefdom of the Aliyev family, complete with dynastic succession, the oil-rich and strategically important country is a firm ally of the United States. Even when the Opposition started what it hoped would end up like Georgia and Ukraine as another 'colour' revolution did not receive support from the United States or Europe, despite their principles. The Aliyevs and their cronies and beneficiaries enjoy Western and Russian protection.

Nevertheless, this cable gives in-depth details to the shady dealings of Azerbaijan's most powerful families - AZERBAIJAN: WHO OWNS WHAT VOL. 2 - THE MINISTER OF EMERGENCY SITUATIONS, BELUGA CAVIAR, AND FRUIT JUICE by a cynical and humorous Don Lu. Some of his choice comments include:

- He renames the Azerbaijani Ministry of Emergency Services (MES) as 'the Ministry of Everything Significant'. This wide-ranging ministry is basically a 'cash cow' for Azerbaijan's powerful families for amassing bribes and pay-offs. Part of its competences is construction licensing, which covers building inspectors who can interfere with, delay, or stop any construction project they declare to be "unsafe". In fact, MES staff have previously warned American and other foreign businessmen that their purview covers anything that is associated with temperature, pressure, or isotopes - categories broadly interpreted to include just about everything under the sun.

- Under the title 'His Boys and Their Toys', Lu describes the shady dealings of London-educated Nijat and Tale Heydarov, the wealthy sons of the head of the MES Kalamaddin Heydarov. The boys' toys include expensive private jets, a wide arrays of businesses and concessions and even a football team, which Lu puts down to as a small-scale effort to replicate the Chelsea antics of Russia's Roman Abramovich. As Lu describes, the Qabala squad is a virtual United Nations team, with players from across Europe, Latin America and Africa - the best team money can buy, at least for central Azerbaijan. Bitch!

- The Heydarovs are also active in cultural endeavors. Kamaladdin Heydarov is a composer and has written a song about former Azerbaijani President Heydar Aliyev that was sung by Azeri singer Aghadadash Aghayev. Now that's definitely grovelling and brownie points. Mrs Heydarova is ethnic Korean, and with Heydarov himself being a Koreaphile; he is President of the Azerbaijan Taekwondo Federation and owner of the recently opened high-end Korean restaurant Shilla.Korean diplomats have confirmed that Heydarov was the protector for several major business deals, but have complained that many of these deals have gone awry after the Korean firms refused to pay adequate patronage to Heydarov.

- Under the title 'It's Good to Be King', Lu gives information how the regions of Qabala, Masalli, and Lenkeran in southern and central Azerbaijan are the Heydarov's main power bases. Postsuspects that Heydarov continues to control the State Customs Committee and wield influence over the Ministry of Taxes, the Ministry of Ecology and Natural Resources, and Ministry of Economic Development, which is now led by a former Ministry of Taxes official. Additionally, of course, Heydarov profits significantly from widespread activities of the Ministry of Emergency Situations. That ministry, according to observers, may be the most sought after employer in official Baku, as Heydarov has made a reputation for paying salaries on time and in full. Employees benefit from perks of MES employment, such as the ability to enroll children in one of Baku's best-looking and best-financed public schools. Measures like these, contacts report, create a loyal following for the minister among his minions.

- The final installment called 'Turf Wars: Don't Cross Kamaladdin' (like he's the Zohan) talks about his tiff with the Agriculture Minister over grain (move over J.R.). Apparently Heydarov has a history of eliminating opponents, with Lu even suggesting that the assassination of an Azerbaijani air force chief was the Minister's work. Watch out for that dead horse in the bed!

Lu promises with the next episode to go to task with another Azerbaijani bigwig Ziya Mammadov. He doesn't seem to be one for the bleeding obvious when you get a recent television report asking whether the Mammadovs controlled mysterious construction company ZQAN Holding; the reporter pointed out the letters of ZQAN matched the initials of father Ziya, mother Qanira, son Anar, and daughter Nigar. A ZQAN representative brushed this aside as innuendo.

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