Eurovision 2013 - Aftermath!

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Eurovision 2013 - Final Predictions

Hello Eurovision lovers! Fuller analysis after the show, but just for the record, I predicted 9.5 out of the 10 qualifiers from the second semi final. The 0.5 is that I always have Macedonia going through, which is part bias and wishful thinking, so not usually a properly reasoned choice, so I pick a substitute country spot to compensate for this, and this year that country was Armenia. Now for the record, here's my top 10 predictions (in place order):

1. Denmark

2. Germany

3. Russia

4. Azerbaijan

5. Norway

6. Ukraine

7. Iceland

8. Italy

9. Georgia

10. Romania

Hardly my personal preference, but hey, all the X-Factor tricks have been skewed for a Danish win. If only a 'naughty' country like Russia or Azerbaijan again comes through the ranks and win - then the EBU will have a coronary! Happy Eurovision!

Eurovision 2013 - The Big 5 + 1

Lorraine... erm Lorean ... Lolo and the Malmo Eurovision butterfly.

Hello Eurovision lovers! Did you enjoy the first semi final? I sure as hell did. Extremely entertaining, professionally produced, and those of you lucky enough to be in the UK and watch the BBC coverage, how cool to have had one of the coolest people in the world, the Scissor Sisters' Ana Matronic be a commentator with Scott Mills (plus cameo by the ever lovely Julia Zemiro from Australia). I've been following the post-Yugo meltdown in the Balkan forums. Many people in the Balkans, especially the Serbs, admit that their songs were crap, but some just can't get over national pride, so that's why we even had some like Serbia's Mirna claiming that the reason Moje 3 failed was not their horrible costumes, wooden acting or poor singing. Oh no, it was racism! Mirna claims that all the countries singing in their own languages failed to make it to the final last night. Well Mirna, clean those ears out because the Estonian and Moldovan girls were not singing in some weird English dialect but in their own languages and guess what they'll be doing this Saturday night? Not what you're doing. Best comment of the day was from a Serb who claimed that Eurovision was a 'Catholic Plot'! I'd say if this is true, then it's a bloody piss poor one as out of the 10 qualifiers, 4 are from Orthodox Christian countries, 3 are from Protestant countries and just Ireland, Belgium and Lithuania are Catholic qualifiers. Of course, so much for Catholic Croatia and Slovenia then, but hey, why get into facts.

Lucky for them Joan Rivers was not there. Serbia's Moje 3

So did I change my mind about certain songs? Yes! Russia for me was absolutely amazing. I thought that Moldova has a great song but ruined by having so many distracting kitchen sinks on that bloody stage. Darling, had you kept it simple, then people who notice you. Montenegro was cool, but too way out for Eurovision (even Ana Matronic was going for it). Croatia was worse than what I expected it to be, and so too with Serbia. Pity Slovenia as it was done OK, but I still think Ireland is lucky to have made it through to the final. I see it doing the same as previous year gay dance tunes by Iceland's Hera Björk and Hungary's Kati Wolf by qualifying to the final but then coming 19th. Ukraine's Zlata Ognevich could have gone for a more adventurous dress as the bland white one did not suit the song. Denmark looked like the winner of a X-Factor competition - so that seemed all set up to place the subliminal message to the masses that this IS the winner (so hope it doesn't win). Surprised that Belgium and Lithuania made it through, as they both did not seem confident on stage. Anouk was a bit self-indulgent, though I am glad she has made it through (the Dutch have broken a 9 year drought)!

Oh, special hurrah to the SVT for choosing to add Macedonia to the intro featuring last year's winning song Euphoria done in various national ways.

And, big kiss to our fabulous EBU spokesperson, Lynda Woodruff, who was hilarious as ever. I can't wait to see her other spots.

The EBU's spokesperson, the lovely Lynda Woodruff. Boom, crash, bang!

I have to finish this off I am off to Malmö tomorrow for my first ever Eurovision! I'll be seeing the second semi final and the grand final. So exciting!!!

Anyway, to finish off with the songs, here's a brief summary of my rattling about the big 5 + host Sweden.

FRANCE - Amadine Bourgeois - L'enfer et moi
Don't mess with this chick. She's looks like the type of psycho who drives off cliffs. Moody, dark number, which is cool in a way, but probably a bit too dark for Eurovision. Probably score towards the bottom of the field.

Oh what a feeling, Cascada!

GERMANY - Cascada - Glorious
No need to evacuate the dance floor, big name Cascada is (finally) at Eurovision with a real stomper of a hangbag Eurodance number that sounds a little too like last year's Euphoria. However, unlike some of the other Eurodance numbers in this year's contest, Cascada actually appeals to a more hetero market (think Playa del Ingles in the Canaries), so this, in my mind, if it doesn't win it then definitely top 5. Anyway, Germany believes that it's already paying for the contest anyway, so they'd only think it's proper that they host it again. Besides, last time in 2011 it wasn't Germany who was really hosting it - it was North Rhine Westphalia, so some other 'Land' in Germany would have the honour. It'd be like hosting it for the first time, in federal German eyes.

SPAIN - ESDM - Contigo hasta el final (With You To The End)
Endurance, huh? Well, rather optimistic of them as this song has bottom 5 all over it. Celtic elements to it would suggest that they are from Galicia, but hark no, the lead singer is from the Canary Island, so that makes no sense. Anyway, according to the best barometer of Eurovision opinion in Spain - the Spanish gays - they don't rate the song at all. So if they don't like it, why should the rest of Europe like it?

Marco Mengoni, style chameleon

ITALY - Marco Mengoni - L'essenziale
The fanboys are creaming themselves over this one. And also about the song. But I find it dull, boring and tedious. A rather long 3 minutes. So why is this song 'special'? Just one thing - it's in Italian. Had it been in English, it would have been even worse. I see this doing mid-table.

SWEDEN - Robert Stjernberg - You
Rather cheeking of the Swedes putting this song at 16th on the running order - the same place from where Loreen won from last year, and the area where many a Eurovision winner too has come from. Had Azerbaijan done this last year, the howls of corruption would have been heard beyond this blog. But when it comes to Sweden doing this, no one bats an eyelid. Hmmm... as I say to many, there is corruption in the West, only we hide it better. Anyway, there's supposed to be a song here? Oh yes, Robert. This is such a weak song, so despite placing it in a strong running order position, the song itself would suggest that Sweden does not want to make this two in a row.

This is the Bonnie we all love and remember. And she's Welsh!

UK - Bonnie Tyler - Believe In Me
Oh Bonnie! It's seems criminal that it has taken so long for you to make it to the Eurovision stage. If you check out many of her videos from the 1980s, they were such a gay man's delight.... hehe. After the Hump debacle last year, to get someone else who was topping the charts years ago but no more was as if the BBC didn't learn from their lesson. However, we have been reassured that Bonnie Tyler is still big in Europe, and I have to say that that is correct. Out of all of this year's acts, the Balkan media have devoted nearly unanimous-focused coverage on Bonnie Tyler, like as if no one else was competing. The song is not as raspy as her 80s rock numbers, but it's competent enough. Only problem is that it took me a few listens before I could see its charm, which is not good considering that she only has one chance to woo Europe with this soft C&W tune. In any case, I do not think the UK will be too embarrassed by this when it comes to the scoring. We'll patiently (erm... perhaps not so patiently... eagerly) wait and see.

So there you go! Who will win? I'm still saying that everything is being set up for a Danish win, though I still would like some other country take the win away. Hey, perhaps the Netherlands could do it, or even my favourite Norway, or even Russia. Happy Eurovision!

Eurovision 2013 - Second Semi Final

Anyone order a kitchen sink to throw into their Eurovision performance?

Eurovision overload! Remember the days when it was just on for the one night? They didn't even have Facebook back then! I know... scary! How did we live?? (Quite fine, merci). Now it's a full week festival of sequins, wind machines, a whole gaggle of topless male dancers, some rather hideous frocks (even on the women!) and more kitchen sinks that you can poke a stainless steel tap at. With all this in mind, let's go and rummage through the delectable delights awaiting us come Thursday night's second semi final...

1. LATVIA - PeR - Here We Go

And go you shall, right back to Riga, immediately after you've had your three minutes of ... erm... this. How come PeR were allowed to enter two songs to the Eirodziesma comp? And how come the worse of the two made it through? Questions, questions!

2. SAN MARINO - Valentina Monetta - Crisalide (Vola)

Valentina obviously is one for a dare, or else how can she justify embarrassing herself last year with the dire Facebook Social Media Song written by Mr Eurovision himself, Ralph Siegel. To make amends for last year's pile of pong, Valentina is back with two songs for the price of one. A very dramatic piece (or pieces, as you may) that suits its Italian delivery, which has scored high with the fans. Many have this as a certain qualifier... but is it? Even though I do like this song, I have a premonition that all will fail on the night and yet again San Marino will not make it to the next round. Sorry guys, as much as it pains me to say it this time, this song is fanwank.

Esma, 70, showing more joie de vivre than her accountant, Lozano, 27. 

3. MACEDONIA - Esma & Lozano - Pred da se razdeni (Before Dawn Breaks)

Hmmm... Macedonia. What a journey we have been on with this song... and its predecessor. Let's just say that Macedonia is its own worst enemy when it comes to its sense of cultural pride. The country just doesn't seem to get it. Back in December it was announced that Macedonia will be sending one of its popular pop singers, Vlatko Lozanoski Lozano, who has a great voice but hardly an image of cool, teamed up with legendary and colourful Roma queen of song, Esma Redžepova-Teodosievska. A rather odd couple, but what Macedonians were being promised was a repeat of Esma's collaboration with the late Macedonian pop sensation and 2004 entrant Toše Proeski, when they scored Macedonia's 2002 hit of the year with their duet Magija. The song was entrusted to Esma's main composer and adopted son, Simeon Atanasov, and Dejan Momiroski, one of Macedonia's top turbofolk composers. Lyricist was Borče Nečovski, who mainly writes Turbofolk songs. Now, Turbofolk is a much maligned, though the popular, music genre in Macedonia, so it was a brave sign that the Macedonian authorities had overcome their otherwise antagonistic attitude to Turbofolk and its purveyors and entrusted these musicians to compose a song to represent the country. The result of their work came in the form of Imperija (Empire), which was presented with a fancy video clip which showcased the controversial renovation works of Macedonia's capital Skopje, featuring the statue of Alexander the Great  the Warrior on a Horse, and the huge Archaeology Museum. The lyrics also had cryptic references to Alexander, such as 'empire' and 'strongest force on the planet'. The reaction from the Eurovision fans was overwhelmingly positive, which is a major change from previous Macedonian entries. The reaction in Macedonia was the complete opposite. Social media went off with people complaining about the song citing, among other things, the poor lyrics (yes, because the rest of Europe will really be paying attention to them as they all know Macedonian ... not!). Others who are against the Skopje renovation programme complained that the song and clip were just ads for the government. The opposition, seeing an opportunity to score some political points, whipped up a frenzy against the song, claiming that the people behind the song being from the Turbofolk have created one of the 'worst songs ever' and that having such a song appear on the Eurovision stage would sully Macedonia's image in front of the rest of Europe (like Europe really cares). Of course, none of the Macedonian naysayers had paid attention to the largely positive reaction from Europe to this song. Still, internal negative reaction was apparently so strong that it was only within hours of Imperija's release that the video had been taken off Youtube and a new replacement song commissioned, only this time with 'dignified' pop composers. And with little time, the new composers brought out the new song that will be seen on Thursday, which now has Lozano as the main performer while Esma has been relegated to a feature role, playing up the gypsy stereotype that shows how dated this concept of a song is. This, folks, is supposedly what constitutes as 'dignified' to a European audience. So how was the reaction to this new song from Europe - mostly negative. So well done, Macedonia! Replacing a good song that only needed some tweaking (i.e. Esma to soup it up) with something that is rather dire and just a cheap, poor quality copy of Magija, just proves that Macedonia continues to focus its Eurovision entries solely at capturing votes from ex-Yugo countries only. So you can imagine how they have shot themselves in the foot when allocated into a semi final with no other ex-Yugo countries in it! There have been talk of a hurried switch to singing in English, but this too-little-too-late change risks an unaffordable fine. The only thing that will save this song is Esma being herself, but even that may not be enough, so I'm predicting that the pair will be back watching the final in Skopje. I can already imagine the word on the Macedonian streets pointing the blame on this failure to qualify solely on Esma (because she's gypsy), though the whole process so far has shown that Macedonia, and the Balkans in general, needs to accept and be proud of their true selves and not apply unrealistic and outdated cultural norms of what is supposedly 'dignified' and 'western'. Rant over.

No, that is not Farid there on the right.

4. AZERBAIJAN - Farid Mammadov - Hold Me

Oh my gawd! It's Cousin Jim from Acropolis Now singing for Azerbaijan! OK, so only Aussies of a certain age will know what I mean by this, but 24-year-old, capoeira-loving Farid does have the same monobrow as Greek-Aussie comedian Nick Giannopoulos. Farid and his well-oiled PR machine (oiled... appropriately termed in many ways) have been drip-feeding images of their performer exposing his well muscled torso (more topless males!), which has scored the guy a large gay following. What an irony, give Azerbaijan's gay rights record, but perhaps the Azeris learnt a thing of two last year about the Eurovision when the pink brigade appeared in Baku. So how about the song? Well, it's an inoffensive and dull song that the Azeri president's pop star son-in-law Emin would have rejected (for not being dull enough). Did you want some kitchen sinks to go in with this? Well, fear not! There are kitchen sinks a plenty in this performance... just you wait and see! This will clearly qualify, primarily for the stage performance. Fickle!

5. FINLAND - Krista Siegfriends - Marry Me

There was so much anti to this from the fans when this was first featured in the Finnish selection. God, those fanboys can be rather serious and humourless then. I'd wonder what they'd think then of Lady Gaga's Marry the Night? Obviously they couldn't see that this was a Katy Perry-esque tongue-in-cheek take on predatory future bridezillas (and some guys, like some of the fanboys - bit too close to the bone then?) who are beyond desperate to get married. We all know the type, and Krista is embodying it with much gusto and cheeky winks. This will be a real tour de force and should get the viewing public and auditorium into as much as a frenzy as her alter ego's frustrated attempts of tying the knot. Definite qualifier, and if the Swedes are kind to them with the running position come final night, a top 10 finish.

6. MALTA - Gianluca - Tomorrow

A rather cute and quirky-ish (for Eurovision) song by Gianluca. Must say that I did not take to this song the first time I heard/saw it at the Maltese selection final - seemed like half of Malta was in the audience of that hall that night. Oh, and I just love the way how the Maltese say Vo-da-fone! Getting back to the song, Gianluca performs this well, the lyrics are great, but my worry is that it if it took me a few listens to get into this song, then how will the viewing public react when most of them will only get to see it once? I still say it's qualifying, so good luck and fresh pastizzis to Gianluca.

Bulgaria's Elitsa Todorova: She has back-up singers for a reason!

7. BULGARIA - Elitsa Todorova and Stoyan Yankulov - Samo shampioni (Only Champions)

OK, let's just get one thing straight here - Elitsa cannot sing well live! There, I said it.
Bulgaria has not had a great record at Eurovision, only having once qualified for the final in 2007, though making it to a respectable fifth place in the end. So, it's rather desperate that BNT decided that it would employ their only successful Eurovision act again this year to try to make it into the final. In Bulgaria, Elitsa and Stoyan are considered to be rather artistic that they mixed traditional Bulgarian singing and music with other world and modern music elements... oh, and a helluva lot of drumming. This is opposed to Bulgaria's most popular music genre, Popfolk (like Macedonia's Turbofolk mentioned before) - which, despite its popularity, is widely disparaged as kitschy and lacking in substance. Well, I can't see how Elitsa and Stoyan's compositions are any different - actually, they are kitschier and cheaper than popfolk. And I repeat, Elitsa is a hopeless singer live. Of course, people outside the Balkans wouldn't have the foggiest if Elitsa is any good at all at her singing, but many Balkanites can (painfully) hear how lacking in technique she is. Let's just say that she's no Yanka Rupkina or Nedya Keranova (heard of them? Nah, I didn't think so). However, it also says a lot about European audiences that the only Bulgarian musical product that seems acceptable to them is this type of  traditional Bulgarian music, as none of Bulgaria's pop efforts have wowed them. Still, this repeat of 2007 will make it into the final because it's ethnic and it's intellectual (you know, in that 'wearing glasses' type of way) to like ethnicky stuff, so there's the votes. However, I think it's time that Bulgaria, like Macedonia, gets over itself and sends some popfolk - at least Bulgaria does that music well!

8. ICELAND - Eyðor Ingi - Ég á líf (I Am Alive)

An anthemic number from Thor with long hair. Not really turning me on, but it has the elements to turn Europe on. Wow, some 23 years old look beyond their years. Qualifying.

9. GREECE - Koza Mostra feat. Agathonas Iakovidis - Alcohol Is Free

Yet another misnomer of a song, especially when sung in Sweden where alcohol is a tad on the 'only for very special occasions' side. OK, so at least Greece have taken a break from the usual laika moderna stuff it normally sends, though I must admit that with the Greek final this year I was very much going for Angeliki Iliadi and her laika moderna 1001 Nights. I'm still quite shocked that the Greek public didn't pick it, as Iliadi was the only big name among the artists trying out for the Eurovision berth. So it was not to be. Instead we have a ska band in kilts featuring an old rembetika musician - Greece just can't let that bouzouki go, but at least they recognise that they do the bouzouki well. As for the guys in kilts, well, this may be a bit 'way-out' in Greece but it's hardly ground breaking or shocking in western Europe (more passé than anything else). Still, this is Greece and anything they seem to throw at the European crowd (reminiscing of holidays in Rhodes or Crete) guarantees them a place in the final, so if Bulgaria does not make it, then this will. Well, if crap like last year's and the year before's Greek songs can make the final and even score high, then surely we can expect the same for this. *Sigh*

Moran Mazor: Where's Gok Wan when you need him?

10. ISRAEL - Moran Mazor - Rak Bishvilo (Only For Him)

Moran, Moran. Please sit down with me and let's kibitz! Now darling, we need to do something about your dress. Sorry, but if there was ever a case where a dress is wearing someone rather than someone wearing the dress, then this is sample number 1. This has Barbara Dex Award written all over it. Miss Mazor's (lack of) dress sense has been the talk of Eurovisionia lately, as a firm example of how something as simple as an inappropriate plunging neckline, visible panty lines and flary fishtail can immediately focus attention away to what is actually a well sung Mizrachi/Pop ballad. I just don't get it? How come Israel could get Shiri Maimon in 2005 into Eurovision's most stunning dress of the last decade then get Moran Mazor into something so hideous? Very Björk swan dress moment. I know, let's get Joan Rivers on the line to Moran to knock some sense into the girl in true Polish Jewish style - brutally! Honestly, what would Tim Gunn have to say about this frock, even if it has been bedazzled with Swarovski rocks? Come on, Adele is a perfect style icon to follow. See, all this talk about dresses and hardly about the song - that's the horror ending that Israel is facing at this Eurovision. Unfortunately, our primitive superficiality will scupper all chances of Israel in the final yet again. OK, I've said enough or else the Israeli hubby will crack, and we must not let that happen now, do we?

Now Moran, darling, this is how you should look on the night! This is Miss Mazor on a (rare) good day.

11. ARMENIA - The Dorians - Lonely Planet

The Eurovision fans aren't rating this song highly, but then again, we've been here before with rock songs of past, only for them to not only make the final but also finish top 10 (Georgia 2011 comes to mind). Apparently Tony Iommi from legendary heavy metal band Black Sabbath is the mastermind behind this rather nondescript rock dirge, that contrary to first impressions is not sponsored by the alike-named travel book company. I thought that after having sat out the Eurovision last year while arch nemesis Azerbaijan took the kudos (and controversy - bit of an own goal in Armenia's favour) for hosting, their past usual revengeful behaviour would have suggested that Armenia would be wanting to win this contest like Lance Armstrong on drugs. But no, it won't be happening with this song. Me thinks that the Armenians are playing it cool and waiting for a few years to pass until they go for the big prize, so as no comparisons of a Yerevan Eurovision can be made with the Baku bash of 2012. In any case, I do believe that song will not be lonely of points and will surprise the fans when the Dorians will appear on the grand stage come Saturday.

12. HUNGARY - ByeAlex - Kedvesem (My Darling)

ByeAlex, which I take is not the name his mamma gave him, doesn't really have a look for Eurovision - more hipster than anything else, without a trace of sequin or feather to him. So this does not pose well for Hungary's chances, you may say. But, we seem to have Hungary's answer to French pop genius and 2008 entrant Sébastien Tellier here. Let's just hope he gets more Eurovision recognition for his talent though. After having passed the possible presentation problems (hey, he has three minutes to woo Europe, and offering a bottle of vino and a block of fruit and nut chocolate just won't work here), the video clip showed that if the visual is directed elsewhere, we have here a charming and unique (to Eurovision) song that skillfully employs the otherwise impenetrable language of Hungarian - you gotta love vowel harmony! I have this song going through to Saturday's big wind machine, thanks mainly to the wisdom of the national juries. Fingers crossed!

Margaret Berger feeding her love. I'll take the low fat option, thanks.

13. NORWAY - Margaret Berger -  I Feed You My Love

Enter the Valkyrie into Eurovision Valhalla! Margaret, her song, stage presentation, the age-old juxtaposition of black vs white / good vs evil, fabulous and appropriate frock, the hint of Norse imagery and mythology ... ok, just about everything about this Norwegian entry is absolutely breathtaking! Also great to have some darkness to the proceedings in a way that only the Norwegians can provide. You might have guessed so far (oh, go on, have a stab in the dark here) that this is my favourite song in the contest this year. No need to say much more but it's in the final and top 5 to boot! Go Margaret!

14. ALBANIA - Adrian Lulgjuraj & Bledar Sejko - Identitet (Identity)

Now, who's in for some prog rock that sounds suspiciously similarly to some Serbian rock song from 25 years ago? You? Well, all your summer sales seasons have come at once because that's what these Albanian blokes have brought us. Back in December when Albanian TV traditionally went into overtime yet again while broadcasting the seemingly never-ending Festivali i Këngës, the Albanian powers that be chose this song, condensed it and voilá. Archenemy Serbia cried fowl claiming that Mr Lulgjuraj and Mr Bledar took the main chord from Serbian rock star Bajaga's 1988 hit 'Plavi safir' (Blue Sapphire). The Eurovision bosses dismissed the Serbian charges though, but it does come after the Albanians claimed that the ESC 2007 winning Serbian song, Molitva, by Marija Šerifović, had copied a couple of notes from Albanian singer Soni Malaj's Ndarja (yeah, you know the song... everyone does!). OK, back to this year and withstanding a guaranteed 12 points from neighbouring Macedonia, and high points from neighbouring Greece, I think this will just miss out on a spot in the final. I betya I'm wrong now.

15. GEORGIA - Nodi Tatishvili and Sopho Gelovani - Waterfall

Nodi and Sopho on the hunt for kitchen sinks

What? Someone has ordered more kitchen sinks?? C'mon, this Malmö Arena is not big enough to fit them all in! But the Georgians aren't listening. They want to win Eurovision badly (cue Duran Duran's 'Hungry Like the Wolf' here) and when the Eurovision Win Wanting index is calculated traditionally but erroneously by the number of kitchen sinks chucked into a performance, then the Georgians are scoring off the charts. So what do we have here? Inoffensive but rousing ballad with a high note and written by Swedes - tick. Male-female duo lacking in chemistry but roped in to do the job and with heavy accents when singing that even sound editing can't remove - tick. A performance that promises to give the North Koreans a run for their money in the mass games stakes - tickety tick! An attempt to lure fans (now this is not considered bribery in Georgia) with copious amounts of lovely Georgian wine i.e. not the stuff they export(ed) to Russia - ti..erk. So will this get them the big gong? No way! Final berth is guaranteed, but I see the usual Georgian 9-12th position in the final wash.

16. SWITZERLAND - Takasa - You And Me

Hypocrisy a plenty! Before going on to the song, I'm finding it rather interesting how some fanboys cannot get past that the performers of this ditty are members of the homophobic Salvation Army (rather ironic of them being at Eurovision then), so they will not be voting for it. Now, dear readers, this is what happens when there is 'political voting'. You know, the same evil that many a pundit will accuse those poorer and treacherous eastern countries of doing each year. Well, if this was the case that the voting was so 'political', then you would not see any of the ex-Yugo countries giving any votes to each other. OK, point made. Wasn't I talking about a song here? Oh, yes, but a boring one. The Swiss have decided to send a 95 year old in the crew of six, which breaks a record, but other than that, it just plods along and that's it. No Saturday night shenanigans for this lot in Malmö then, so they can make back home in time for church and scones. When will the Swiss get it?

Cezar: 'The kitchen sink has what?!'

17.  ROMANIA - Cezar - It's My Life


You gotta hand it to Swedish Television for leaving the 'best' till last! After the snorefest that is the Swiss entry, by this time on the Thursday eve the alcohol would have kicked in and some viewers may have already found themselves in a calm slumber. Well, just wait until Cezar comes on the Malmö stage. Be sure to lock your dogs away or else they may go all loony as Cezar has a special vocal gift for going higher and higher and higher. The Romanians have also gone to the same kitchen sink wholesaler as many of their near neighbours to the north and across the Black Sea (I wonder if they got a discount for all these quickly diminishing kitchen sinks if they paid in cash?). Of course, the fans are in aghast about this one, but you'll see that if the Romanians thought that Cezar was brill', then don't be surprised when this makes its way though Friday into Saturday's final... only for it to come 17th. Hey, when people actually liked that Albanian chick last year...

I know I am so unoriginal when I get to this part, but hey, there you go! Kitchen sink, bad dress, kitchen sink, good dress, kitchen sink, and don't forget the kitchen sink. This is definitely the more exciting semi final, and I'm glad that as I will be there! My first ever live Eurovision (semi) final! Stayed tuned for my look into the six automatic qualifiers and post-mortem on the semis. Happy Eurovision!

Eurovision 2013 - First Semi Final

Apparently this photo has something to do with Eurovision

Cor blimey, is it that time of year again? It only seems like yesterday that Sweden's Loreen survived inhaling a fake snowflake to win last year's Eurovision in controversial Alievy Azerbaijan. Mehriban spent the whole time smiling, but then again, according to the US State Department, she's incapable of pulling any other facial expression. Other smile wearers were the EBU, heaving a huge sigh of relief that the proceedings would happen in a politically correct country like Sweden. And here we are. In the past 12 months, Loreen's Euphoria has been a worldwide success, with her crowning glory being the headliner at this year's Sydney Lesbian and Gay Mardi Gras party. Of course, there has been the usual spate of scandal and intrigue surrounding this year's selections to represent their respective countries at the grande concourse. Turkey surprisingly decided to give this year's contest the toss, citing prejudiced voting and unfair treatment. Others such as Portugal and Bosnia-Herzegovina pleaded poverty and have decided to stay at home with a cup of tea. Then we were all left waiting as to whether Greece and Cyprus would be there - and they are. Big change this year is that Sweden's broadcaster decided the line-up. Rather controversial, but the Swedes can get away with it as they are perceived to be über-transparent and unprejudiced. Supposedly this is to make the shows more entertaining, but it seems more like a way to make sure that the EBU doesn't face the PR nightmare of going to the likes of Azerbaijan again. We'll see, but expect some howls from here to Hilversum once the qualifiers are announced.

So, as customary, here's my take of the songs for semi final one.

1. AUSTRIA - Natalia Kelly - Shine
And shine it won't! Run of the mill R&B that is instantly forgettable. Not qualifying, which may cause Austria to go back into sniffle mode and quit Eurovision claiming that it's everyone else's fault and not their own.

Same guys as before, supposedly doing something Eurovision-ish?

2. ESTONA - Birgit - Et uus saaks alguse (So There Can Be A New Beginning)
The first of MANY ballads. Formulaic, boring, so un-Estonian. The Estonian final usually brings out a whole selection of songs that either are or presented in a post-modernist kooky way that those quirky Estonians only can do. Alas, this is not one of them. By the time it comes to voting, I doubt people will remember who she is. Not qualifying.



3. SLOVENIA - Hannah Mancini - Straight Into Love
Bit of a misnomer this one when looking at the gay eye candy in the video clip. Hannah Mancini is hardly a Slovenian name - well, that's because she isn't. She's a perky American gal whose path somehow has landed her in this once-prosperous-now-inexplicably-bankrupt country. So there won't be any problems with the speakings and sayings of the English. I like the song, especially for its dub-step elements (quite big this year in Eurovision - hey, it's only, what, 5-6 years behind now) but it's gay-targeted songs like these that make it into the final and only come 18th at best. That's the best Miss Mancini can hope for. I have this song qualifying, but just, and that's mainly thanks to the votes from the other three ex-Yugo countries in this final.

4. CROATIA - Klapa s mora - Mižerja (Misery)

Croatia's Klapa s mora. Thankfully with their clothes on!

Sung in the Čakavian dialect of Croatia (I betya you didn't know that!), this song will showcase Croatia's supposedly 'traditional' a capella music from the Dalmatian coast called klapa. I say 'supposedly traditional' as klapa is not as old as you (or many Croatians) may think. It actually only really developed in the 1960s from more traditional church choral and other Dalmatian music, just with a more Italian/western twist to things (you know, more cultural that the original peasanty stuff). So this is more fakelore than folklore, but hey, it is something identifiably Croatian. The Croats have had their heads in their palms now for the past few years wondering why they haven't been making the final. Last year they even sent one of the Yugosphere's biggest pop stars to no avail. This year, HRT decided it would assemble six waiters... oops, I mean six of the best klapa singers to form a 'super klapa' group (whooah!). Much like the problem that coaches face with national football teams, assembling six singers from six different klapa groups and then get them to gel in such a short time is no easy task. Anyway, the Croatians have done it and they kept the Croatian nation in suspense releasing morsel after paused morsel about the final product. Well, it's basically a soundtrack for a Croatian tourism ad... oh, what a surprise, check out the video clip to this song and you'd be none the wiser. It's also a great way for Croatia to show off that it really is worthy of joining the EU in July, as they are western and stuff with this music, unlike their former Yugo country-persons. Anyway, the title of the song played well into the general Croatian public reaction to this 'super klapa' - misery. Seriously, for all the time and effort invested into this song, it ended up sounding no better than most of the pop klapa songs to be heard in numerous song festivals throughout Croatia every year. This song is not the type of stuff that would get a Eurovision crowd or viewer excited, unless they're over 70, so I think it'll be back to the old drawing board by the sea for the Croatians next year. The only way this song will make the final is if Serbia, Montenegro and Slovenia award this high points, but I don't see this qualifying.

5. DENMARK - Emilie de Forrest - Only Teardrops
The bookies and fan favourite. And if you were to believe the Danes, it's already the winner! This rather poor version of a 1990s Corrs song is setting Eurovisionia on fire. Personally, I think it's rather twee and lacks real substance. Emilie has been making a splash claiming that she is related to Queen Victoria - something that one professional genealogist skillfully, and with amazing research and wit, was able to disprove. However, given that the Swedes can skew the running order and the banality of the song, it not only should easily qualify for the final but also win. I smell a conspiracy here - it's that or the EBU facing another Azeri-style bomb again. And with so few (politically correct) countries wanting to actually win the event, it might just come down to this.

Russia's Dina Garipova 

6. RUSSIA - Dina Garipova - What if...
Russia has a thing for sending Tartars to Eurovision. Russia's tied second-best placing came with the help of the fabulous Alsou with her hit Solo (and two big girl's blouses as campy dancers). Then we also had the Udmurt babushki last year also coming second. Well, could Russia do it again? Dina is, after all, fresh from having won The Voice Russia, which was seen all throughout the ex-USSR, so she is well known in countries that count such as Ukraine, Belarus and Moldova. She does seem a little frumpy, but she can surely sing. The song is syrupy sweet dealing with beauty contest-level world peace and such, with the video clip much in the same vein. I personally don't go for this stuff, but the European audience usually does, so this is sailing into the final and most likely a top 10 finish.

7. UKRAINE - Zlata Ognevich - Gravity
No, she won't be singing the song from Wicked, but you'd be mistaken for thinking that it was straight out of some musical (Lion King is being the one most bantered about). Zlata has been trying her darndest to make the Eurovision stage, and surprising for Ukrainian standards, she got there this time without any controversy. Ever the believers of the maxim that quantity is better than quality, the Ukrainians are throwing quite a few kitchen sinks at this one - did someone order a giant? This is a shame as Gravity is very much representative of Zlata's usual song style, and she is already a capable singer. She really has no need for gimmicks, but we are talking about the country that had a sand artist on stage two years ago, for heaven's sake! Though I'm not usually one for the saccharine sentimentality of these types of songs, Zlata takes this song beyond two-dimensional and it's undeniably uplifting - goosebumps alert! It's a definite for the final but unlike her name (Zlata means 'gold'), it's not a winner... but close.

Finally, a real star! Anouk

8. NETHERLANDS - Anouk - Birds
Poor Netherlands! They have not been in a Eurovision final now since 2004! But by jingy, a gold star on the forehead for them for not giving up (yeah, Austria). Anyway, all hopes lie in one of their top international stars - Anouk. She had some hits in the nineties, but she's back with a rather quirky (for Eurovision) number. It's a great song, which means that it may be too good for Eurovision. I sincerely hope that this makes it into the final or else it may be the end for the Dutch at Eurovision.

9. MONTENEGRO - Who See - Igranka (Dance Party)
Rap has never really done well at the Eurovision, but could it turn around now, especially with some dub-step added in? Gotta say that when RTCG announced that Who See are to represent Montenegro, I like many others in the Yugosphere just said 'Who?' After some initial trepidation, I can say that they are good, especially going by their video clip. How this will transfer on stage is the big question. All reports on their performance promise something out of this world, so that should entertain. Eurovision needs some variety anyway, and with all these elements plus the ex-Yugo and ex-USSR countries voting for them, they are sure to get through to shock the masses come Saturday. Vodi me na igranku! (Take me to the party!)

10. LITHUANIA - Andrius Pojavis - Something
Musically, I love these types of songs. However, he is just not right for this. Early return to Vilnius for Andrius, I'm afraid

The Belarusan clothes budget didn't stretch that far

11. BELARUS - Alyona Lanskaya - Solayoh
Warmed-over Agadoo for me. Again, kitchen sinks a plenty thrown into this, and I'm not even talking about the stage performance. This song is dated even for Eurovision standards, but it's entertaining. Of course, with the on-stage totty (see left), the fanboys and pink beyond will love this. Still, that's no guarantee for success (see Anggun for France last year - dead last despite three topless male gymnasts). I don't see anything special about this kitsch fest. Nevertheless, I always claim that Belarus will qualify, only for them not too, so why break the habit - I say this Club Med anthem is getting a second showing on Saturday. There you go, the kiss of death.

12. MOLDOVA - Aliona Moon - O mie (A Million)
Not only are we getting two Alyonas at this year's Eurovision, they come right after each other. Can you imagine the banter behind stage: Privet Alyona! Privet Aliona! Riveting stuff!
So happy with this song that it is in Moldovan, which is practically Romanian only with a slight Russian accent and loads of Russian technical words in it, but also sounding very similar to music-friendly Italian. It's this musicality that makes this song that much better. Plus it helps that Aliona can actually sing (never a given in this contest). There's a great hook in the chorus that will beguile viewers and jurors alike. However, reports have it that a few more Eastern European kitchen sinks have been tossed into this one, which again is a shame as the song by itself is strong enough. Still, these fringe benefits, or liabilities, seem to be more related to some Sovietsphere competition to outdo each other and wow that market, who are the true bread and butter for these ex-Soviet singers. Nevertheless, I see Aliona into the final. See you there on Saturday!

Ireland's Ryan Dolan. Hype or real deal?

13. IRELAND - Ryan Dolan - Only Love Survives.
So much promise, so much disappointment. If you are to go by the official video clip, Ryan seems like a bit of alright singing a 10-15 year old Eurodance track complete with the hand heart symbol that seems to have been all the rage at major events worldwide now for the past couple of years. Well... if you watched Ryan perform at Ireland's Eurovision selection segment on the Late, Late Show (such a disinterested audience!), then you would have seen yet another victim of the Irish potato diet (ouch! that's rude) badly belting out a tired dance number. It was a complete uncool mess that just screamed Irish. Now for Eurovision, Ireland is the new Ukraine when it comes to kitchen sinks in stage performances. Many of the gay fanboys have been mesmerised by Ryan's accompanying half-naked male dancers to rate this song as the bees knees and a sure finalist. My question is will the Sovietsphere or Yugosphere vote for this? I seriously doubt it. From what I've seen so far, I cannot see this making it past the semi... sorry Ryan. That video was too deceptive. Go on Ryan, please prove me wrong!

14. CYPRUS - Despina Olympiou - An me thymasai (If You Remember Me)
Oh, Miss Olympiou is Cypriot? Well blow me down. The not-so-famous Despina of the Greek music scene, she's been about for a few years, but she's not really a household name. The song is a rather dull ballad, though sung well. The bad economic situation has produced one positive at least - Despina will be on her lonesome on stage minus the fluorescent and pyro-vomiting kitchen sinks employed by some of the other contenders in this semi final. This could work in her favour, but she will be singing in Greek and the smaller nations like Cyprus find that they need to put more than three times the effort than other larger and more prominent countries. CyBC would like her to come home early, and I think their wish will be granted.

15. BELGIUM - Roberto Bellarossa - Love Kills
Only two songs ago we found out that only love survives. Apparently, the Belgian reason for this is that love kills (how sneaky of it!). It seemed like that we were still using Windows 95 when this song was chosen performed by an affable-enough bloke who, like Russia's Miss Garipova, is also a Voice winner. When first presenting the song live, there wasn't much to say about it, but the video since then (not a good barometer as to how it goes on the night - see Ireland) shows promise, and he's had the whole performance on televised stage experience, so I believe Roberto will pull it off and be award a golden ticket to see another day on stage in the final.

Serbia's Moje 3. Who thought these costumes were a good idea?

16. SERBIA - Moje 3 - Ljubav je svuda (Love Is Everywhere)
What, just 16 songs? Wow, that'll make for a quick night. I might not even make it through a bottle of the vino blanco by that time. Rounding off the proceedings come Tuesday will be those Serbian sluts Mirna, Nevena and Sara. As there seems no better use for them, Serbia too decided to send off not only the winner of the second Serbian series of the Voice, but actually provide a proposed future career path as a girl band for the two runners-up as well (despite all talk that this will be their only time as a group - yeah right, like Serbia needs more singers!). It wouldn't be Serbia if there weren't some controversy with Serbia's Eurovision national selection, which this year took the façade, oops, I mean the form of a 15-song final called Beosong. From the get go social media in Serbia pretty much buzzed with the word that everything had been set up so that these girls will be heading off to Malmö. After a not-so-transparent selection process that whittled 171 entries into 15 finalists, 5 songs made it into a superfinal, which saw the past winner of a rival Serbian TV talent show (on a rival TV station to RTS) come second to the girls. No coincidence at all that the Voice Serbia is also shown on RTS, Serbia's state broadcaster in charge of the country's Eurovision entry.
Anyway, the song is pretty dire. The stage performance at Beosong featured Moje 3 acting the song's theme of a tussle between optimism and cynicism about love wearing costumes that some on Serbian forums described as 'straight from a cheap Bulgarian sex shop'. Kla$$y! Marina Tucaković wrote the lyrics to this song... she also did the 2010 Serbian entry 'Ovo je Balkan' by Milan Stanković, so that should give you an indication of standard we are talking about.
This song, unfortunately, will probably make it to the grand final on Samedi, as much as I don't want it to, but it is Serbia, the music powerhouse of the Balkans, so expect top marks from the usual ex-Yugo suspects plus some generous mid-rangers from ex-USSR. Ho hum...

There you have it! Gotta say that these songs pretty much show that the usual pizzazz and ??? of Eurovision has not been lost, and c'mon, isn't that why we watch it? Stay tuned as I go through my ticking thoughts, in the face of a wind machine and topless male dancers, about the second semi final and the automatic qualifiers (the rich kids on the block, and Spain). Happy Eurovision!