Eurovision 2013 - Second Semi Final

Anyone order a kitchen sink to throw into their Eurovision performance?

Eurovision overload! Remember the days when it was just on for the one night? They didn't even have Facebook back then! I know... scary! How did we live?? (Quite fine, merci). Now it's a full week festival of sequins, wind machines, a whole gaggle of topless male dancers, some rather hideous frocks (even on the women!) and more kitchen sinks that you can poke a stainless steel tap at. With all this in mind, let's go and rummage through the delectable delights awaiting us come Thursday night's second semi final...

1. LATVIA - PeR - Here We Go

And go you shall, right back to Riga, immediately after you've had your three minutes of ... erm... this. How come PeR were allowed to enter two songs to the Eirodziesma comp? And how come the worse of the two made it through? Questions, questions!

2. SAN MARINO - Valentina Monetta - Crisalide (Vola)

Valentina obviously is one for a dare, or else how can she justify embarrassing herself last year with the dire Facebook Social Media Song written by Mr Eurovision himself, Ralph Siegel. To make amends for last year's pile of pong, Valentina is back with two songs for the price of one. A very dramatic piece (or pieces, as you may) that suits its Italian delivery, which has scored high with the fans. Many have this as a certain qualifier... but is it? Even though I do like this song, I have a premonition that all will fail on the night and yet again San Marino will not make it to the next round. Sorry guys, as much as it pains me to say it this time, this song is fanwank.

Esma, 70, showing more joie de vivre than her accountant, Lozano, 27. 

3. MACEDONIA - Esma & Lozano - Pred da se razdeni (Before Dawn Breaks)

Hmmm... Macedonia. What a journey we have been on with this song... and its predecessor. Let's just say that Macedonia is its own worst enemy when it comes to its sense of cultural pride. The country just doesn't seem to get it. Back in December it was announced that Macedonia will be sending one of its popular pop singers, Vlatko Lozanoski Lozano, who has a great voice but hardly an image of cool, teamed up with legendary and colourful Roma queen of song, Esma Redžepova-Teodosievska. A rather odd couple, but what Macedonians were being promised was a repeat of Esma's collaboration with the late Macedonian pop sensation and 2004 entrant Toše Proeski, when they scored Macedonia's 2002 hit of the year with their duet Magija. The song was entrusted to Esma's main composer and adopted son, Simeon Atanasov, and Dejan Momiroski, one of Macedonia's top turbofolk composers. Lyricist was Borče Nečovski, who mainly writes Turbofolk songs. Now, Turbofolk is a much maligned, though the popular, music genre in Macedonia, so it was a brave sign that the Macedonian authorities had overcome their otherwise antagonistic attitude to Turbofolk and its purveyors and entrusted these musicians to compose a song to represent the country. The result of their work came in the form of Imperija (Empire), which was presented with a fancy video clip which showcased the controversial renovation works of Macedonia's capital Skopje, featuring the statue of Alexander the Great  the Warrior on a Horse, and the huge Archaeology Museum. The lyrics also had cryptic references to Alexander, such as 'empire' and 'strongest force on the planet'. The reaction from the Eurovision fans was overwhelmingly positive, which is a major change from previous Macedonian entries. The reaction in Macedonia was the complete opposite. Social media went off with people complaining about the song citing, among other things, the poor lyrics (yes, because the rest of Europe will really be paying attention to them as they all know Macedonian ... not!). Others who are against the Skopje renovation programme complained that the song and clip were just ads for the government. The opposition, seeing an opportunity to score some political points, whipped up a frenzy against the song, claiming that the people behind the song being from the Turbofolk have created one of the 'worst songs ever' and that having such a song appear on the Eurovision stage would sully Macedonia's image in front of the rest of Europe (like Europe really cares). Of course, none of the Macedonian naysayers had paid attention to the largely positive reaction from Europe to this song. Still, internal negative reaction was apparently so strong that it was only within hours of Imperija's release that the video had been taken off Youtube and a new replacement song commissioned, only this time with 'dignified' pop composers. And with little time, the new composers brought out the new song that will be seen on Thursday, which now has Lozano as the main performer while Esma has been relegated to a feature role, playing up the gypsy stereotype that shows how dated this concept of a song is. This, folks, is supposedly what constitutes as 'dignified' to a European audience. So how was the reaction to this new song from Europe - mostly negative. So well done, Macedonia! Replacing a good song that only needed some tweaking (i.e. Esma to soup it up) with something that is rather dire and just a cheap, poor quality copy of Magija, just proves that Macedonia continues to focus its Eurovision entries solely at capturing votes from ex-Yugo countries only. So you can imagine how they have shot themselves in the foot when allocated into a semi final with no other ex-Yugo countries in it! There have been talk of a hurried switch to singing in English, but this too-little-too-late change risks an unaffordable fine. The only thing that will save this song is Esma being herself, but even that may not be enough, so I'm predicting that the pair will be back watching the final in Skopje. I can already imagine the word on the Macedonian streets pointing the blame on this failure to qualify solely on Esma (because she's gypsy), though the whole process so far has shown that Macedonia, and the Balkans in general, needs to accept and be proud of their true selves and not apply unrealistic and outdated cultural norms of what is supposedly 'dignified' and 'western'. Rant over.

No, that is not Farid there on the right.

4. AZERBAIJAN - Farid Mammadov - Hold Me

Oh my gawd! It's Cousin Jim from Acropolis Now singing for Azerbaijan! OK, so only Aussies of a certain age will know what I mean by this, but 24-year-old, capoeira-loving Farid does have the same monobrow as Greek-Aussie comedian Nick Giannopoulos. Farid and his well-oiled PR machine (oiled... appropriately termed in many ways) have been drip-feeding images of their performer exposing his well muscled torso (more topless males!), which has scored the guy a large gay following. What an irony, give Azerbaijan's gay rights record, but perhaps the Azeris learnt a thing of two last year about the Eurovision when the pink brigade appeared in Baku. So how about the song? Well, it's an inoffensive and dull song that the Azeri president's pop star son-in-law Emin would have rejected (for not being dull enough). Did you want some kitchen sinks to go in with this? Well, fear not! There are kitchen sinks a plenty in this performance... just you wait and see! This will clearly qualify, primarily for the stage performance. Fickle!

5. FINLAND - Krista Siegfriends - Marry Me

There was so much anti to this from the fans when this was first featured in the Finnish selection. God, those fanboys can be rather serious and humourless then. I'd wonder what they'd think then of Lady Gaga's Marry the Night? Obviously they couldn't see that this was a Katy Perry-esque tongue-in-cheek take on predatory future bridezillas (and some guys, like some of the fanboys - bit too close to the bone then?) who are beyond desperate to get married. We all know the type, and Krista is embodying it with much gusto and cheeky winks. This will be a real tour de force and should get the viewing public and auditorium into as much as a frenzy as her alter ego's frustrated attempts of tying the knot. Definite qualifier, and if the Swedes are kind to them with the running position come final night, a top 10 finish.

6. MALTA - Gianluca - Tomorrow

A rather cute and quirky-ish (for Eurovision) song by Gianluca. Must say that I did not take to this song the first time I heard/saw it at the Maltese selection final - seemed like half of Malta was in the audience of that hall that night. Oh, and I just love the way how the Maltese say Vo-da-fone! Getting back to the song, Gianluca performs this well, the lyrics are great, but my worry is that it if it took me a few listens to get into this song, then how will the viewing public react when most of them will only get to see it once? I still say it's qualifying, so good luck and fresh pastizzis to Gianluca.

Bulgaria's Elitsa Todorova: She has back-up singers for a reason!

7. BULGARIA - Elitsa Todorova and Stoyan Yankulov - Samo shampioni (Only Champions)

OK, let's just get one thing straight here - Elitsa cannot sing well live! There, I said it.
Bulgaria has not had a great record at Eurovision, only having once qualified for the final in 2007, though making it to a respectable fifth place in the end. So, it's rather desperate that BNT decided that it would employ their only successful Eurovision act again this year to try to make it into the final. In Bulgaria, Elitsa and Stoyan are considered to be rather artistic that they mixed traditional Bulgarian singing and music with other world and modern music elements... oh, and a helluva lot of drumming. This is opposed to Bulgaria's most popular music genre, Popfolk (like Macedonia's Turbofolk mentioned before) - which, despite its popularity, is widely disparaged as kitschy and lacking in substance. Well, I can't see how Elitsa and Stoyan's compositions are any different - actually, they are kitschier and cheaper than popfolk. And I repeat, Elitsa is a hopeless singer live. Of course, people outside the Balkans wouldn't have the foggiest if Elitsa is any good at all at her singing, but many Balkanites can (painfully) hear how lacking in technique she is. Let's just say that she's no Yanka Rupkina or Nedya Keranova (heard of them? Nah, I didn't think so). However, it also says a lot about European audiences that the only Bulgarian musical product that seems acceptable to them is this type of  traditional Bulgarian music, as none of Bulgaria's pop efforts have wowed them. Still, this repeat of 2007 will make it into the final because it's ethnic and it's intellectual (you know, in that 'wearing glasses' type of way) to like ethnicky stuff, so there's the votes. However, I think it's time that Bulgaria, like Macedonia, gets over itself and sends some popfolk - at least Bulgaria does that music well!

8. ICELAND - Eyðor Ingi - Ég á líf (I Am Alive)

An anthemic number from Thor with long hair. Not really turning me on, but it has the elements to turn Europe on. Wow, some 23 years old look beyond their years. Qualifying.

9. GREECE - Koza Mostra feat. Agathonas Iakovidis - Alcohol Is Free

Yet another misnomer of a song, especially when sung in Sweden where alcohol is a tad on the 'only for very special occasions' side. OK, so at least Greece have taken a break from the usual laika moderna stuff it normally sends, though I must admit that with the Greek final this year I was very much going for Angeliki Iliadi and her laika moderna 1001 Nights. I'm still quite shocked that the Greek public didn't pick it, as Iliadi was the only big name among the artists trying out for the Eurovision berth. So it was not to be. Instead we have a ska band in kilts featuring an old rembetika musician - Greece just can't let that bouzouki go, but at least they recognise that they do the bouzouki well. As for the guys in kilts, well, this may be a bit 'way-out' in Greece but it's hardly ground breaking or shocking in western Europe (more passé than anything else). Still, this is Greece and anything they seem to throw at the European crowd (reminiscing of holidays in Rhodes or Crete) guarantees them a place in the final, so if Bulgaria does not make it, then this will. Well, if crap like last year's and the year before's Greek songs can make the final and even score high, then surely we can expect the same for this. *Sigh*

Moran Mazor: Where's Gok Wan when you need him?

10. ISRAEL - Moran Mazor - Rak Bishvilo (Only For Him)

Moran, Moran. Please sit down with me and let's kibitz! Now darling, we need to do something about your dress. Sorry, but if there was ever a case where a dress is wearing someone rather than someone wearing the dress, then this is sample number 1. This has Barbara Dex Award written all over it. Miss Mazor's (lack of) dress sense has been the talk of Eurovisionia lately, as a firm example of how something as simple as an inappropriate plunging neckline, visible panty lines and flary fishtail can immediately focus attention away to what is actually a well sung Mizrachi/Pop ballad. I just don't get it? How come Israel could get Shiri Maimon in 2005 into Eurovision's most stunning dress of the last decade then get Moran Mazor into something so hideous? Very Björk swan dress moment. I know, let's get Joan Rivers on the line to Moran to knock some sense into the girl in true Polish Jewish style - brutally! Honestly, what would Tim Gunn have to say about this frock, even if it has been bedazzled with Swarovski rocks? Come on, Adele is a perfect style icon to follow. See, all this talk about dresses and hardly about the song - that's the horror ending that Israel is facing at this Eurovision. Unfortunately, our primitive superficiality will scupper all chances of Israel in the final yet again. OK, I've said enough or else the Israeli hubby will crack, and we must not let that happen now, do we?

Now Moran, darling, this is how you should look on the night! This is Miss Mazor on a (rare) good day.

11. ARMENIA - The Dorians - Lonely Planet

The Eurovision fans aren't rating this song highly, but then again, we've been here before with rock songs of past, only for them to not only make the final but also finish top 10 (Georgia 2011 comes to mind). Apparently Tony Iommi from legendary heavy metal band Black Sabbath is the mastermind behind this rather nondescript rock dirge, that contrary to first impressions is not sponsored by the alike-named travel book company. I thought that after having sat out the Eurovision last year while arch nemesis Azerbaijan took the kudos (and controversy - bit of an own goal in Armenia's favour) for hosting, their past usual revengeful behaviour would have suggested that Armenia would be wanting to win this contest like Lance Armstrong on drugs. But no, it won't be happening with this song. Me thinks that the Armenians are playing it cool and waiting for a few years to pass until they go for the big prize, so as no comparisons of a Yerevan Eurovision can be made with the Baku bash of 2012. In any case, I do believe that song will not be lonely of points and will surprise the fans when the Dorians will appear on the grand stage come Saturday.

12. HUNGARY - ByeAlex - Kedvesem (My Darling)

ByeAlex, which I take is not the name his mamma gave him, doesn't really have a look for Eurovision - more hipster than anything else, without a trace of sequin or feather to him. So this does not pose well for Hungary's chances, you may say. But, we seem to have Hungary's answer to French pop genius and 2008 entrant Sébastien Tellier here. Let's just hope he gets more Eurovision recognition for his talent though. After having passed the possible presentation problems (hey, he has three minutes to woo Europe, and offering a bottle of vino and a block of fruit and nut chocolate just won't work here), the video clip showed that if the visual is directed elsewhere, we have here a charming and unique (to Eurovision) song that skillfully employs the otherwise impenetrable language of Hungarian - you gotta love vowel harmony! I have this song going through to Saturday's big wind machine, thanks mainly to the wisdom of the national juries. Fingers crossed!

Margaret Berger feeding her love. I'll take the low fat option, thanks.

13. NORWAY - Margaret Berger -  I Feed You My Love

Enter the Valkyrie into Eurovision Valhalla! Margaret, her song, stage presentation, the age-old juxtaposition of black vs white / good vs evil, fabulous and appropriate frock, the hint of Norse imagery and mythology ... ok, just about everything about this Norwegian entry is absolutely breathtaking! Also great to have some darkness to the proceedings in a way that only the Norwegians can provide. You might have guessed so far (oh, go on, have a stab in the dark here) that this is my favourite song in the contest this year. No need to say much more but it's in the final and top 5 to boot! Go Margaret!

14. ALBANIA - Adrian Lulgjuraj & Bledar Sejko - Identitet (Identity)

Now, who's in for some prog rock that sounds suspiciously similarly to some Serbian rock song from 25 years ago? You? Well, all your summer sales seasons have come at once because that's what these Albanian blokes have brought us. Back in December when Albanian TV traditionally went into overtime yet again while broadcasting the seemingly never-ending Festivali i Këngës, the Albanian powers that be chose this song, condensed it and voilá. Archenemy Serbia cried fowl claiming that Mr Lulgjuraj and Mr Bledar took the main chord from Serbian rock star Bajaga's 1988 hit 'Plavi safir' (Blue Sapphire). The Eurovision bosses dismissed the Serbian charges though, but it does come after the Albanians claimed that the ESC 2007 winning Serbian song, Molitva, by Marija Šerifović, had copied a couple of notes from Albanian singer Soni Malaj's Ndarja (yeah, you know the song... everyone does!). OK, back to this year and withstanding a guaranteed 12 points from neighbouring Macedonia, and high points from neighbouring Greece, I think this will just miss out on a spot in the final. I betya I'm wrong now.

15. GEORGIA - Nodi Tatishvili and Sopho Gelovani - Waterfall

Nodi and Sopho on the hunt for kitchen sinks

What? Someone has ordered more kitchen sinks?? C'mon, this Malmö Arena is not big enough to fit them all in! But the Georgians aren't listening. They want to win Eurovision badly (cue Duran Duran's 'Hungry Like the Wolf' here) and when the Eurovision Win Wanting index is calculated traditionally but erroneously by the number of kitchen sinks chucked into a performance, then the Georgians are scoring off the charts. So what do we have here? Inoffensive but rousing ballad with a high note and written by Swedes - tick. Male-female duo lacking in chemistry but roped in to do the job and with heavy accents when singing that even sound editing can't remove - tick. A performance that promises to give the North Koreans a run for their money in the mass games stakes - tickety tick! An attempt to lure fans (now this is not considered bribery in Georgia) with copious amounts of lovely Georgian wine i.e. not the stuff they export(ed) to Russia - ti..erk. So will this get them the big gong? No way! Final berth is guaranteed, but I see the usual Georgian 9-12th position in the final wash.

16. SWITZERLAND - Takasa - You And Me

Hypocrisy a plenty! Before going on to the song, I'm finding it rather interesting how some fanboys cannot get past that the performers of this ditty are members of the homophobic Salvation Army (rather ironic of them being at Eurovision then), so they will not be voting for it. Now, dear readers, this is what happens when there is 'political voting'. You know, the same evil that many a pundit will accuse those poorer and treacherous eastern countries of doing each year. Well, if this was the case that the voting was so 'political', then you would not see any of the ex-Yugo countries giving any votes to each other. OK, point made. Wasn't I talking about a song here? Oh, yes, but a boring one. The Swiss have decided to send a 95 year old in the crew of six, which breaks a record, but other than that, it just plods along and that's it. No Saturday night shenanigans for this lot in Malmö then, so they can make back home in time for church and scones. When will the Swiss get it?

Cezar: 'The kitchen sink has what?!'

17.  ROMANIA - Cezar - It's My Life


You gotta hand it to Swedish Television for leaving the 'best' till last! After the snorefest that is the Swiss entry, by this time on the Thursday eve the alcohol would have kicked in and some viewers may have already found themselves in a calm slumber. Well, just wait until Cezar comes on the Malmö stage. Be sure to lock your dogs away or else they may go all loony as Cezar has a special vocal gift for going higher and higher and higher. The Romanians have also gone to the same kitchen sink wholesaler as many of their near neighbours to the north and across the Black Sea (I wonder if they got a discount for all these quickly diminishing kitchen sinks if they paid in cash?). Of course, the fans are in aghast about this one, but you'll see that if the Romanians thought that Cezar was brill', then don't be surprised when this makes its way though Friday into Saturday's final... only for it to come 17th. Hey, when people actually liked that Albanian chick last year...

I know I am so unoriginal when I get to this part, but hey, there you go! Kitchen sink, bad dress, kitchen sink, good dress, kitchen sink, and don't forget the kitchen sink. This is definitely the more exciting semi final, and I'm glad that as I will be there! My first ever live Eurovision (semi) final! Stayed tuned for my look into the six automatic qualifiers and post-mortem on the semis. Happy Eurovision!