Eurovision 2013 - The Big 5 + 1

Lorraine... erm Lorean ... Lolo and the Malmo Eurovision butterfly.

Hello Eurovision lovers! Did you enjoy the first semi final? I sure as hell did. Extremely entertaining, professionally produced, and those of you lucky enough to be in the UK and watch the BBC coverage, how cool to have had one of the coolest people in the world, the Scissor Sisters' Ana Matronic be a commentator with Scott Mills (plus cameo by the ever lovely Julia Zemiro from Australia). I've been following the post-Yugo meltdown in the Balkan forums. Many people in the Balkans, especially the Serbs, admit that their songs were crap, but some just can't get over national pride, so that's why we even had some like Serbia's Mirna claiming that the reason Moje 3 failed was not their horrible costumes, wooden acting or poor singing. Oh no, it was racism! Mirna claims that all the countries singing in their own languages failed to make it to the final last night. Well Mirna, clean those ears out because the Estonian and Moldovan girls were not singing in some weird English dialect but in their own languages and guess what they'll be doing this Saturday night? Not what you're doing. Best comment of the day was from a Serb who claimed that Eurovision was a 'Catholic Plot'! I'd say if this is true, then it's a bloody piss poor one as out of the 10 qualifiers, 4 are from Orthodox Christian countries, 3 are from Protestant countries and just Ireland, Belgium and Lithuania are Catholic qualifiers. Of course, so much for Catholic Croatia and Slovenia then, but hey, why get into facts.

Lucky for them Joan Rivers was not there. Serbia's Moje 3

So did I change my mind about certain songs? Yes! Russia for me was absolutely amazing. I thought that Moldova has a great song but ruined by having so many distracting kitchen sinks on that bloody stage. Darling, had you kept it simple, then people who notice you. Montenegro was cool, but too way out for Eurovision (even Ana Matronic was going for it). Croatia was worse than what I expected it to be, and so too with Serbia. Pity Slovenia as it was done OK, but I still think Ireland is lucky to have made it through to the final. I see it doing the same as previous year gay dance tunes by Iceland's Hera Björk and Hungary's Kati Wolf by qualifying to the final but then coming 19th. Ukraine's Zlata Ognevich could have gone for a more adventurous dress as the bland white one did not suit the song. Denmark looked like the winner of a X-Factor competition - so that seemed all set up to place the subliminal message to the masses that this IS the winner (so hope it doesn't win). Surprised that Belgium and Lithuania made it through, as they both did not seem confident on stage. Anouk was a bit self-indulgent, though I am glad she has made it through (the Dutch have broken a 9 year drought)!

Oh, special hurrah to the SVT for choosing to add Macedonia to the intro featuring last year's winning song Euphoria done in various national ways.

And, big kiss to our fabulous EBU spokesperson, Lynda Woodruff, who was hilarious as ever. I can't wait to see her other spots.

The EBU's spokesperson, the lovely Lynda Woodruff. Boom, crash, bang!

I have to finish this off I am off to Malmö tomorrow for my first ever Eurovision! I'll be seeing the second semi final and the grand final. So exciting!!!

Anyway, to finish off with the songs, here's a brief summary of my rattling about the big 5 + host Sweden.

FRANCE - Amadine Bourgeois - L'enfer et moi
Don't mess with this chick. She's looks like the type of psycho who drives off cliffs. Moody, dark number, which is cool in a way, but probably a bit too dark for Eurovision. Probably score towards the bottom of the field.

Oh what a feeling, Cascada!

GERMANY - Cascada - Glorious
No need to evacuate the dance floor, big name Cascada is (finally) at Eurovision with a real stomper of a hangbag Eurodance number that sounds a little too like last year's Euphoria. However, unlike some of the other Eurodance numbers in this year's contest, Cascada actually appeals to a more hetero market (think Playa del Ingles in the Canaries), so this, in my mind, if it doesn't win it then definitely top 5. Anyway, Germany believes that it's already paying for the contest anyway, so they'd only think it's proper that they host it again. Besides, last time in 2011 it wasn't Germany who was really hosting it - it was North Rhine Westphalia, so some other 'Land' in Germany would have the honour. It'd be like hosting it for the first time, in federal German eyes.

SPAIN - ESDM - Contigo hasta el final (With You To The End)
Endurance, huh? Well, rather optimistic of them as this song has bottom 5 all over it. Celtic elements to it would suggest that they are from Galicia, but hark no, the lead singer is from the Canary Island, so that makes no sense. Anyway, according to the best barometer of Eurovision opinion in Spain - the Spanish gays - they don't rate the song at all. So if they don't like it, why should the rest of Europe like it?

Marco Mengoni, style chameleon

ITALY - Marco Mengoni - L'essenziale
The fanboys are creaming themselves over this one. And also about the song. But I find it dull, boring and tedious. A rather long 3 minutes. So why is this song 'special'? Just one thing - it's in Italian. Had it been in English, it would have been even worse. I see this doing mid-table.

SWEDEN - Robert Stjernberg - You
Rather cheeking of the Swedes putting this song at 16th on the running order - the same place from where Loreen won from last year, and the area where many a Eurovision winner too has come from. Had Azerbaijan done this last year, the howls of corruption would have been heard beyond this blog. But when it comes to Sweden doing this, no one bats an eyelid. Hmmm... as I say to many, there is corruption in the West, only we hide it better. Anyway, there's supposed to be a song here? Oh yes, Robert. This is such a weak song, so despite placing it in a strong running order position, the song itself would suggest that Sweden does not want to make this two in a row.

This is the Bonnie we all love and remember. And she's Welsh!

UK - Bonnie Tyler - Believe In Me
Oh Bonnie! It's seems criminal that it has taken so long for you to make it to the Eurovision stage. If you check out many of her videos from the 1980s, they were such a gay man's delight.... hehe. After the Hump debacle last year, to get someone else who was topping the charts years ago but no more was as if the BBC didn't learn from their lesson. However, we have been reassured that Bonnie Tyler is still big in Europe, and I have to say that that is correct. Out of all of this year's acts, the Balkan media have devoted nearly unanimous-focused coverage on Bonnie Tyler, like as if no one else was competing. The song is not as raspy as her 80s rock numbers, but it's competent enough. Only problem is that it took me a few listens before I could see its charm, which is not good considering that she only has one chance to woo Europe with this soft C&W tune. In any case, I do not think the UK will be too embarrassed by this when it comes to the scoring. We'll patiently (erm... perhaps not so patiently... eagerly) wait and see.

So there you go! Who will win? I'm still saying that everything is being set up for a Danish win, though I still would like some other country take the win away. Hey, perhaps the Netherlands could do it, or even my favourite Norway, or even Russia. Happy Eurovision!