Eurovision 2012 in Baku, Azerbaijan... what could go wrong?

Azerbaijan's first lady, Mehriban, prez Ilham and the family (behind) have gone all Eurovision with the sequins to welcome you to THEIR country

As you are most likely very well aware by now, Azerbaijan is the winner of this year's Eurovision Song Contest held last Saturday night. Of course, one of the 'prizes' is getting to host the competition the following year, which for a country desperate for (good) publicity such as Azerbaijan is the perfect event to be the centre of attention in Europe and worldwide with a huge TV audience of 125 million. Hosts in the past have successfully showcased their country as a tourist destination and a place of culture. This 3-hour ad has been the driving force for countries like Azerbaijan to invest heavily in their Eurovision entries in recent years, and for the authorities in Baku, they finally got their return. But are they really aware of what they are about to face?

Only a matter of hours after Azerbaijan won the contest, I was interviewed by the BBC World Service to discuss what implications Baku hosting the Eurovision will have. Unfortunately, due to nature of the questions posed to me and time constraints, I did not end up getting a chance to tackle the meatier and more divisive issues that I will go into detail later in this post. Actually, I was shocked that the world news journalist who interviewed asked me the rather naive, highly uninformed and somewhat colonialist question of whether Azerbaijan can actually afford to the host the event? I mean... honestly! Scarily enough, this question is not an isolated case. Many people in the West have a rather stereotypical view of any country past Vienna being some sort of cesspool of poverty that only survive because us Westerners give them money. OK, so some countries would find it hard to afford to host the Eurovision (as was almost case with Estonia in 2001, Latvia in 2002 and Ukraine 2005), however Azerbaijan is not one of them. And it's not automatic that the poorer nations would have difficulty paying to host the contest anyway - Serbia did a fine job in 2008 and not once did it plead to the EBU for cash. Azerbaijan's case, though, is that like Russia - it is flushed with oil money. Azerbaijan is a large oil producer and is also an important (i.e. the only non-Russian and non-Iranian) transit link for plentiful oil and gas supplies from Central Asia. The country is rich, but as is often the case in many resource-rich nations, this does not necessarily mean that this wealth trickles down to the masses. Most Azerbaijanis live at or below the poverty line and can only dream of experiencing the glitz and glamour that the now ruling (former Communist Party member-careerist) elite live.

Is the Azerbaijani capital ready for a gay old time?

Money is no problem for Azerbaijan hosting Eurovision. So what could go wrong then? Well, Azerbaijan really has no idea about Eurovision Song Contests and its core fan base. The Eurovision Song Contest in most Eastern European countries is considerably mainstream and has none of the associations it has in many Western European countries. In particular, most Eastern Europeans are completely unaware how much the contest has a huge and loyal gay fan base. So can you imagine the surprise Azerbaijan will face when they realise that the overwhelming number of Eurovision fans who will be turning up to Baku for the 2 weeks of Eurovision preparations, rehearsals and shows are not a whole bunch of men who have left their wives behind but gay men with their partners? They really don't know. Azerbaijan, like many Eastern European countries, is rather traditional and parochial, with a strong macho culture that has been fuelled by recent military conflict, officially-sanctioned nationalist tension and a re-emergence of traditional Islamic religious practice. Needless to say, Azerbaijan is not the place to be if you are proud and gay. This is a place where hotels will change bookings for gay couples for a room with one king-sized bed to two singles. The issue of gay rights, especially considering the Eurovision's large gay following, has been in the forefront at Eurovisions ever since Moscow held the event in 2009. Nikolai Alekseev, Russia's most prominent gay activist, with the help of counterparts from Western Europe, organised a gay pride parade to coincide with the Eurovision in Moscow. Unfortunately, the parade was violently dispersed, resulting in the arrest of its participants and rather unwelcoming images of Russia being shown around the world. Now, will the same happen in Azerbaijan next year?

Of course, this all depends on whether the fans can actually make it to Azerbaijan. As a majority of the foreigners who travel to Azerbaijan are usually involved with the oil industry, the few flights to Baku are extremely expensive. This is no different for other oil boom cities around the world (such as Astana in Kazakhstan, Luanda in Angola or Lagos in Nigeria). Likewise, the hotel and foreign expat infrastructure in Baku caters mainly for the oil industry, which means plenty of overpriced 5-star hotels, very little in the way of cheap accommodation, and expensive restaurants and bars (like 'Irish Pubs'). The foreigners Baku's taxi drivers and hospitality staff are used to are cashed-up oil workers on company expense accounts who don't care about being charged many times more than the local rate, and not Eurovision fanboys on meager wages (but try convincing them that when the Azeris still are paid far less). Essentially, the fans will be facing the same financial scenario as with Moscow 2009.

What will the Azeri grannies have to say about the fanboys?

OK, so what if the Eurovision fanboys have saved the money and made it to Baku and are not going to make a big thing about the gay issue. What else could they face? Well, Azerbaijan's political situation could get in the way. Like many ex-Soviet republics, Azerbaijan is still going through a period of democratisation, which means that the authorities are still not confident enough yet to be able to ignore the people who advocate change (as is the case in the West). Following independence from the USSR in 1991, Azerbaijan was ruled by former KGB boss Heydar Aliyev, who from his base in the exclave of Naxçivan was able to consolidate power by keeping much of the existing Soviet-era structure intact. He placed close family members in positions of power, with his son Ilham heading SOCAR, the powerful, government-owned oil company central to the country's economy. A cult of personality, which basically filled the void left after Lenin was dropped at independence, grew around the 'benevolent father of the nation'. The Eurovision fans will arrive at Baku's 'Heydar Aliyev Airport', for instance. It is no coincidence that at the press conference following their Eurovision win, Eldar and Nigar first of all thanked their benevolent president and head of the 'Heydar Aliyev Fund' - the president's wife, for their win! (Can you imagine if they didn't!?) So when Heydar died in 2003, his son llham unsurprisingly took over the presidency in elections that were deemed to be 'not fair' by foreign observers. The Aliyevs have been subject to various gossipy US cables published by Wikileaks. To get a taste of the level of gangsterism and corruption ruling Azerbaijan, have a read of this link about the scandalous dealings of some of Azerbaijan's well-connected families. Even more scandalous has been the behaviour and consequent US State Department gossip about Azerbaijan's first lady, the ever-smiling Mehriban Aliyeva. There's talk of her plastic surgery, her 'charity' work and provocative fashions - check it out here! She was also rumoured of having an affair with Belarusan president Lukashenko! Perhaps she can sing 'I Love Belarus'.

President Aliyev: We're gonna put the wind machine here

The Aliyevs have held a tight reign over Azerbaijan, with the small but fragmented opposition facing arrests and bureaucratic hassles. With the tacit support of the West, the Aliyevs have been able to get away without getting major negative press in the West. So long as the oil rushes through, everyone's happy. However, the Azeri authorities have been uneasy viewing the swift outcomes from recent popular revolutions against similarly-ruled autocracies such as their former close friend Egypt (Mehriban Aliyeva and Egypt's first lady Suzanne Mubarak even appeared in a naff video clip in a pop song about peace - check it out here, if you're brave). The similarities between Egypt and Azerbaijan have alerted the Aliyevs into action to prevent the same fate that has become of the Mubaraks. This means that bloggers have been arrested, tried and sentenced to jail sentences, and access to blog portals severely restricted. The social network tools that helped mobilised protesters in Tunisia and Egypt - Facebook and Twitter - have also been restricted in Azerbaijan, and there are also threats of Skype being curtailed too. This leaves to question - how will the media, especially the huge number of Eurovision bloggers who constantly update with details of rehearsals during the contest's two weeks of preparations be able to do their work? How will the Azeri authorities balance allowing the foreigners to have unrestricted access to essential Internet tools like Twitter or Blogger, while still keeping the lid on the local access? Any restriction placed on the media will be quickly reported to the rest of Europe, painting the negative picture of Azerbaijan that the authorities desperately want to avoid and had not wanted by hosting the event. The huge influx of journalists will also be a great opportunity for opposition politicians and activists to gain some much needed publicity. It will be interesting how the Azeri authorities will deal with this.

In jail - for blogging in Azerbaijan

There is another aspect that will come to the forefront - the ongoing and blood-thirsty animosity between Azerbaijan and its eastern neighbour Armenia over the region of Nagornyy Karabakh. The two countries went to war with each other in 1988 when they were still constituent Soviet republics over the then 'autonomous oblast', an Armenian-majority populated region wholly within Azerbaijan. Karabakh's Armenian population, with support from Armenia, wanted to separate from Azerbaijan and join Armenia. Azerbaijan did not want to see this happen as the region had a significant Azeri population and would have meant losing territory. However, the underlying tensions stems from the time when Armenians claim that the Ottoman Turks waged genocide on them during World War I. Of course, the Armenian interpretation of who is a Turk is quite broad, so they see the Turkic-speaking, Shiite Muslim, Persian-influenced Azeris (who were never part of the Ottoman Empire) no different from the Sunni Muslim Turks of the modern Republic of Turkey. This is despite the fact that a 'Turk' in the Ottoman Empire was anyone who was Muslim, regardless whether they spoke Turkish or not, and that the Republic of Turkey is not (politically) the successor state of the Ottoman Empire. The Armenian fear that another 'genocide' will occur (they point to Armenian pogroms in the Azerbaijani city of Sumqayit in 1988 as proof) has given themselves the justification to not only declare independence for Karabakh as a separate Armenian state (recognised by no-one except other unrecognised statelets within the ex-USSR) but also to occupy a large swathe of Azerbaijani territory between Armenia and Karabakh. By the time a fragile ceasefire was negotiated in 1992, 1 million Azeris had been ethnically cleansed from those parts of Azerbaijan occupied by Armenian forces.

Despite the ceasefire and the ongoing status-quo, there is no love lost between Azerbaijan and Armenia. In fact, the level of animosity and hatred between the two neighbours is to such an extent that there is still sporadic gunfire on the front line resulting in a constant number of casualties each year. Like in most conflicts, there is still a lot of bravado and macho chest-beating officially encouraged by the authorities in both countries with constant nationalistic calls to recapture lost lands and avenge for lost honour and pride. On a human level, the welfare of Azerbaijan's 1 million internally displaced persons is of great concern. After almost 20 years of being forced from their homes, many still are housed in primitive conditions with little access to social services, basic amenities or having much chance of enjoying the country's new-found oil wealth. Hopefully their plight will grab some attention come time for next year's Eurovision. However, I feel that they will only be used in much the same way they have been by the Azerbaijani authorities in using their suffering in prolonging the hatred towards the Armenians for causing this human catastrophe. This nationalist hatred is used by both sides to control their peoples and as a smokescreen to the true (and much shared) ills of Azerbaijani and Armenian modern society (corruption, croneyism, lack of opportunities etc.)

Of course, with this in mind, Armenia is livid that their nemesis Azerbaijan has won the Eurovision. Armenia too has been wanting desperately to win the competition, much for the same reasons as Azerbaijan - to draw attention to their side of the conflict and to piss off their perceived enemies. Well, Azerbaijan now will draw attention to their side of the conflict and piss off their perceived enemies. I expect that much will be said of 'Armenian aggression' and of Karabakh at the Eurovision, especially in the postcards. Watch out for them! You won't miss them.

Armenian soldier on the Karabakh frontline

With this level of hate, it's more than likely that Armenia will withdraw from next year's contest. The only way I can see Armenia being motivated on going to Baku would be with the firm belief that they are going to win it, because nothing else would be sweeter for them to see the Armenians winning on Azeri turf in front of an Azeri crowd. There's nothing like spite. We'll wait and see what happens.

There is also one other aspect that will factor when it comes to staging the contest next year - Azerbaijan's time zone. Eurovision rules state that the semi-finals and final have to start at 21:00 Central European Time. Azerbaijan is three hours ahead, which means that the concerts will be starting at midnight local time! Considering the final goes on for over three hours, people won't be getting out of the venue until around 4am! Imagine having to travel at that time. The taxi drivers will be rubbing their hands.

Despite all of the negative aspects of Azerbaijan hosting Eurovision, and the moral question about supporting a regime that restricts gay rights and the freedom of speech and expression, I believe that this is the type of event that Azerbaijan needs. While the Azeri authorities will be wanting to present to Europe its image of itself, the fact that a large number of foreigners, especially gay people, converging on Baku and getting a chance to meet Azeris and discovering this fascinating country will do wonders. Azeris and people from the rest of Europe making contacts will only strengthen understanding between peoples, break down stereotypes and open people to different points of view. Furthermore, Azerbaijan has so much to show the world. It is not the cultural backwater that Cold War and colonial perceptions would lead us to believe. For instance, Baku was the 5th largest city in the USSR, extremely cosmopolitan, and most of all, was the Soviet Union's foremost centre for jazz. This mixture of Turkic, Persian, Russian and indigenous Caucasian influences makes the country a crossroads with a multifaceted culture. It would be fabulous if world-famous Azerbaijani musicians such as jazz singer Aziza Mustafazade, traditional muqam performer Alim Qasimov or traditional musician Alihan Samedov can do the interval... though I fear that Ilham Aliyev's son-in-law, the dismal Emin will end up having a big role. Emin lavishly launched his English-language pop career in London earlier this year, complete with expensive promotions and a blitz ad campaign with his face on posters around the London Underground. Needless to say, it has amounted to not much.

World-famous Azerbaijani jazz singer, Aziza Mustafazade

Good luck Azerbaijan! I hope that the next 12 months preparing for the Eurovision will contribute to the transformation of the country into one that its citizens would be worthy of being proud of even more.

Eurovision 2011 - The Aftermath

The dust is beginning to settle on yet another Eurovision, with the contest heading off the furthest east it has ever gone to the Asian edge of Europe in Baku, Azerbaijan, scheduled for 26 May 2012. Before going into the geopolitical, social and logistical ramifications of this win and the 'logistics', let's review how the songs of this contest won or lost.

Finland - Boring presentation, really.
Bosnia-Herzegovina - Dino Merlin can thank his superstar status among the Balkan peoples for his 6th place, and the fact that the large number of Bosnian refugees live in countries whose own entries (plus those of countries of larger and/or better organised diasporas) had not made it through to the final i.e. 12 points from Norway.
Denmark - Professionally performed song which did well to get fourth place. Had it been later on in the draw, it could have won.
Lithuania - Dated song, not the best presentation, though well sung and I could immediately see this would appeal to Eastern European tastes, which it did. Did well to not come last as predicted.
Hungary - She was out of beat of this dated dance number. Dress was horrible. Like Iceland 2010, one for the gay fanbase only.
Ireland - Excellent visual presentation, definitely one for the kids. However, it was obvious that the twins hardly sang the song and relied heavily on the 'back-up' singers to carry it through.
Sweden - Convincing performance of a contemporary song that deserved its third place.
Estonia - She couldn't sing and looked like she gave up towards the end - hence the low score.
Greece - I can't believe this came seventh place!!! The UK bucked its trend of giving high points in recent years to Greece by giving nothing for this poor song. Graham Norton pointed out that the rapper, Stereo Mike is a professor of music at the University of Westminster and that come Monday Norton thought he could be out of a job - apt! I suspect that the 8 points from Russia was the result of an Armenian push to stop Azerbaijan, which could be the story for other points around Europe.
Russia - The Sovietsphere audience did not go for this, possibly tired of the former Alex Sparrow's cockiness and overexposure, which meant it died. Alex must be gutted. The song was presented very professionally though, but there's a limit to ego.

France's Amaury Vassili - someone needs some conditioner in that mop, and a new suit

France - The favourite?? I had not seen a live performance by Amaury Vassili before Saturday night's show and relied solely on what turned out to be the hype created by Eurovision fans who obviously are unfamiliar to opera. I can't say that I am a regular listener of opera but I have been exposed enough to it to see and hear immediately on Saturday night that Amaury was obviously uncomfortable on stage, not used to singing in such an environment and is too young to sing such a song (as an opera singer friend of mine said, 19 is too young). Honestly, his singing was terrible and he looked like a dishevelled extra from Les Miserables. My previous commentary that the push for this aria was more a delusional case of some Eurovision fans to prove to themselves that they have culture has been vindicated.
Italy - The best surprise of the night! The fans had left this for dead leading up to the finale. Obviously as much as they can't spot bad opera, they can't spot good jazz. Raphael clearly is a professional live musician and singer who is so comfortable with performing and enjoys what he does that it shone. The fact that this jazz number had unexpected but neatly-woven Neapolitan elements also made it more than just another jazz song. A thoroughly deserving song. And to think so many fanboys are at a loss as to why this song did so well - yet another sign of their actual lack of exposure to a wider range of music styles.
Switzerland - The reason why it's unlucky to perform after the ad break is that the break is so short for today's standards, with many people having yet returned from the loo. So many people missed this one. The ones who didn't had to face a girl wearing a red sparkly dress that didn't match the song, rendering the presentation as unconvincing.
UK - Backdrop was fantastic and the song was great. The suits that Blue were wearing just didn't go with the song (see Sweden for more convincing costuming) and Lee, who had to sing a large part of the song, obviously couldn't get those many high notes - he looked like he was in strain. 11th place is still good but this goes to show that Blue is not that big in Europe. Plus, the prevailing attitude that 'if Blue can't win it, who can' has only solidified Eurovision's career graveyard status for UK artists. This doesn't bode well.

UK's Blue should have stuck to wearing this!

Moldova - Definitely the fav song for the all the rock, non-Eurovision-fanboy viewers out there and deservingly so. I enjoyed it. Zdob si Zdub did what they do well and great to have some Moldovan elements. By the way, the hats they wore were an exaggerated, crazy adaptation on the woolly hats that Moldovan peasant men wear - cool!
Germany - Lena has transformed from teen to vamp. Great presentation though a bit too moody for the Eurovision audience. A song like this was not going to do well with Eurovision's rather pedestrian televoters. Still, very professional performance and song and only goes to show that Lena has a great career ahead of her. Just drop the fake accent!
Romania - Ugh! As what one blogger commented, this is something you would have seen on Seaside Special in 1978. Romania is a powerhouse for light dance numbers throughout the non-English speaking world and all they could dredge up was this...?
Austria - Yes, the girl can sing but the Disney ballad was trite.
Azerbaijan - The comment made by a casual Eurovision viewer friend of mine (i.e. not a fanboy) summed this song up - it's aaahhhhhhhh. The sweetness of the song and the simple yet appropriate stage presentation guaranteed that it would do well on the night, despite what some fanboys had to say about the singers' abilities (the same guys that were applauding France for his "opera", mind you). However, what is proving to be the most important factor these days for a win at Eurovision is that Azerbaijan's 'Running Scared' was one of the very few songs from this year's contest that has been getting airplay on mainstream radio stations in certain countries around Europe. Airplay was key to Lena's victory with 'Satellite' last year, and the lack of airplay for Blue's 'I Can' this year definitely contributed to their fall. The fact that this was one of the few songs that was immediate in its appeal also added to its winning factor. As for the Turkish diaspora helping this song win... that didn't happen. Germany gave few points, and the UK and Macedonia (for instance) gave none, despite being home to large Turkish communities.

Italy's Raphael Gualazzi - a pleasant surprise!

Slovenia - Maja Keuc was just too weak with what should be very strong vocals for such a song. Plus, the song itself was about 8 years old in style.
Iceland - Sentimentality can only stretch so far
Spain - Despite a last minute surge by fanboys as to its merits, it was too light to make an impact. Spain by numbers, really. Hey, if Spanish fanboys didn't like it, how is the rest of Europe supposed to?
Ukraine - Amazingly scooped up the Sovietsphere and Eastern Europe votes away from Russia. Obviously its position towards the end of the night and, most of all, the hypnotic allure of the sand art (the true star of that performance) helped this into fourth place. I did like it how the Guardian wrote on its live blog that it was expecting the sand artist to toss it all in and end up drawing a willy.
Serbia - It was cute and all but this song ended up only with high-ish points from ex-Yugoslav states and low scores from countries where the Serbian diaspora live.
Georgia - Graham Norton was almost correct in saying that if you like rock, then you'll vote for this one as there is no other rock song (not correct as Moldova was in there too). It was competent enough.

Winner of Ukraine's Got Talent and star of Ukraine's Eurovision performance - sand artist Kseniya Simonova

That's my analysis for this year. I would like to make a special thank you to all the Eurovision bloggers out there, especially Piglet, for their dedicated work in keeping Eurovision fans informed about the lead up to the world's most biggest television show.

Coming up... how will Azerbaijan cope with hosting Eurovision? Finances are not a problem but are they aware of what social impact it will have on the country and Europe as a whole? And how does the ongoing animosity with Armenia affect preparations? Stay tuned...

Azerbaijan wins Eurovision Song Contest 2011!!!

Needless to say, I am very, very, very happy!!! Well done to Eldar and Nigar for their excellent performance tonight, and very proud of Nigar for acknowledging Turkic solidarity by carrying the Turkish flag when going to the stage in Düsseldorf to collect their prize.

Also, a special congratulations to Raphael of Italy for coming an impressive (and unexpected) second place for his excellent, Italian-tinged jazz number. None of the Eurovision fanboys predicted this. Goes to show that there is room for jazz at the Eurovision.

I will be interviewed on the BBC World Service in a few hours from now, to give my perspective of the geopolitical and unexpected organisational ramifications of holding the Eurovision Song Contest next year in Azerbaijan. More on that later...

Eurovision Song Contest 2011 - My predictions for the big night

Well, the two semi-finals for this year's Eurovision have passed us. What I can say is that I enjoyed it in lovely company and to the accompaniment of a lot of alcohol. However, the quality of this year's performances left a lot to be desired, resulting in an upsurge of alcohol consumption on my part to maintain the capacity to withstand the onslaught of horrible dresses, bad singing, stage props, petty nationalism and bad music. I found the first semi-final to be quite boring and was rather happy that there were some upsets in the voting. The second semi-final was delightfully entertaining, only for disappointment to set in and ruin the evening when a load of rather piss-weak and gimmicky acts made it to the final while true talent and entertainment was washed away. Oh well, what was I expecting??

Despite my cynicism, there are two songs that I will be supporting tomorrow night. The first is Blue from the UK.

My ultimate favourite is Azerbaijan


Most of the rest of tomorrow's nights offerings are as appealing to me as a cup of hot fat with a hair in it.

I have made my top 10 predictions though (definitely not my favs):

10. Ukraine - Just because of the sand artist. The singer Mika is just an annoying feature and should get out of the bloody way.
09. Georgia - Only because they're on last and the Georgian embassy staff have been handed the mobiles to go redial crazy (need to win that diplomatic war with Russia you know - they established relations with Tuvalu to stop their possible recognition of Abkhazia!). The lead singer had a 'krazzy' but dowdy frock on, but if she wants to be convincingly 'kool', she should ditch the late 80s 'nice girl' perm (that was cool on '21 Jump Street', not now) and go more punk or Lady Gaga. You're just not cutting it... erm... perhaps you should cut it.
08. Ireland - The Grimes twins have a fancy backdrop to distract the easily-hypnotised masses from their lack of musical talent (see Ukraine), plus it always helps to have the out-of-sight backup singers carry the song when you can't sing. The kids will love it, just like they did with those Latvian pirates a few years ago.
07. Sweden - The rather precious Eric Saade knows how to be all Justin Timberlake about it. I wonder if the Jerusalem Post have warned their right-wing Israeli leadership that he is part-Palestinian? He's had probs with his exploding box (don't we all!) but he has enough energy to dance it (if not sing it) through. Poor guy, though, has been bombarded with the type of gay speculation that Keanu Reeves used to face - if some gays fancy some good looking guy, then the object of this affection must obviously be gay too. Oh, the delusional.
06. Austria - Europeans love a good Disney-style ballad. This song reminds them of Mariah Carey who they hold up still as being the pinnacle of class and high music taste. Of course, when I think of Austria, I think of gospel-style singing. Must have been all of those dark foreigners that Austrians just adore who brought this music in.
05. Russia - The artist formerly known as Alex Sparrow loves his own shadow and is just sleazy to the max... perfect for the Eastern European audience! He's Russian, he's high profile in the Sovietsphere, he's gonna get votes, though he won't win. Only he is not convinced - too busy kissing his biceps. Just a tip for Alexei - less clothes, please!
04. Serbia - Well, because it's a 60s retro Motown rip-off, uptempo, familiar to the masses, colourful and a bit of a wake-up coming second to last in the running order after some slowish songs that double as cures for insomnia. Had this been in another position, I would have written it off. One for the Austin Powers fans out there or, as one Serbian turbofolk singer stated, lovers of jingles for washing detergent ads.
03. UK - Though much is said about how well-know Blue is throughout Europe, I have seen hardly anything written about them in the Eastern European press. That is the complete opposite to Israel's Dana International whose every move was being monitored, photographed and commented. Actually, just relying on these papers, other than the local rep, you would have thought that Dana International was the only singer at this year's kitschfest. Alas, the girl was robbed on Thursday night, despite owning the stage and the arena with her supermodel strut. OK, back to Blue - yes, well, they'll do well, but no gong for them. I can't see them getting enough high marks from Eastern and Southern European countries to make it past the line. Go ahead boys, prove me wrong!
02. Azerbaijan - Well, call me biased (because I love the song) but their performance on Tuesday night was stunning, simple and gave me goose bumps. It deserves to win. However, I can see some European voters being put off voting for a country they have never really heard of. Plus, with Armenia out of the pool, the Armenian brigade will be doing their best with their 100 mobiles each on redial voting for some other country all in the effort to make sure their nemesis does not win. Azerbaijan hosting the country will be used as a propaganda piece to showcase 'Azeri suffering from Armenian aggression' etc. So the Armenians have been told that they must vote for another three minute song sung in English in a music style originating from the US sung by young girl/young guy/group who have never been to the US so as to avenge for the death of their grandmother by those 'evil Turks'. While Turkish satellite TV stations have been bombarding their viewers throughout Europe urging them to vote for their 'Turkish brothers - Azerbaijan'. Ah, the lows of nationalism.
01. France - Why? Not only as a self-convincing and inherently pretentious ploy to fool everyone and themselves that the Eurovision (and therefore European) public has 'kulcha' (because it is, as one self-described 'opera fan' stated on a Eurovision forum, an 'operatic song' - obviously never heard of an 'aria' then), but because like last year's winner Germany, France is a creditor nation. Therefore, as a reward for being a bank for the rest of Europe, it's time for the vassal states to pay tribute to the great benefactor by giving it 10 and 12 points and the kudos of winning. Besides, it's one of the few countries that can afford the event, and Sarkozy is suffering in the polls and can do with a better distraction with the patriotic pump-up of a Eurovision win rather than being 'mister tough guy with the penis size issues' by bombing Libya.

Could this dweebish-looking guy with monobrow grab Europe by his crooked teeth with some op'ra?

Despite this, there are two countries that are the true winners of every Eurovision for the past decade or so - the USA and UK, and deservingly so. The showcase of dismal European pop culture that the Eurovision provides each year highlights how innovative, fun and resilient American (especially Afro-American) and urban UK music styles and culture are the pinnacle of cool worldwide. Eurovision acts merely are derivative versions of these. Even when they do mix a 'local' feel to things, there is still some American/British element to it, whether it be gospel or RnB intonations in the singing or using English. In this year's Eurovision final, the only countries that will not be singing (at least partially) in English and/or use a music style originating or influenced from the USA (especially Afro-American origin) or the UK are France (Italian opera) and Spain (Spanish/Latin American folk pop). So the USA and UK have won! Europe, your woeful pop culture is hardly getting the world to have fun...fun...fun...fun.

By the way, if you want to play a simple Eurovision drinking game but don't want to get too tiddly, how about this one: take a sip whenever you see a woman or an obviously straight man (if there is such a concept of looking 'obviously straight') in the Esprit Arena crowd. Guaranteed to keep you under the blood alcohol limit. Actually, better not, or else you'll end up having to put up with the noise and bad costumes (how come the bat-wing sleeve is back?)

OK, that's enough. For all you who enjoy Eurovision for other reasons, have a great night and may your country win (even though it will be France, unless that's your country). I'd like to be proven wrong this time...

Oh No, It's Eurovision 2011 part 3

Portugal - Homens da Luta - A luta é alegria

First impression - WTF? I know that Portugal is in economic dire straits and wouldn't be able to afford to host their first ever Eurovision (after trying for almost 50 years), but they couldn't find a better act to make sure, 100%, that they will not win. However... just like with Russia's outwardly err but brilliantly subtle masterpiece last year at Eurovision satirising the gysy romantic fascination of the Russian intelligensia, after I found out more about the talented Portuguese performers and song about 'the joy of the struggle' I realised this is not a novelty act but a deep yet endearing satire of the joy and nature of Portuguese protest movements.The performers display the same exuberance and immense capacity for song that many demonstrations and their demostrators in Portugal possess. Now this is a sentiment that should be understood by people in other southern European countries, but like Russia last year, without some knoweldge to the depth of this well-tuned act, the message and satire is lost. But still, I hope that their joie de vivre is infectuous enough to get Europe voting.
I should also add that it's fitting that Portugal is sending such a song to Eurovision considering that the cue for the start of Portugal's Carnation Revolution (the protest music and imagery from that historic event being the source for the Homens da Luta) was when the country's entry at the 1974 Eurovision Song Contest appeared on TV!
Back to 2011, I say 'alegria é luta'!

Spain - Lucia Pérez - Que me quiten lo bailao

So reminds of Portugal's entry from 2009. I was in Spain after this song was selected and the gays were pissed off. Not a good sign... or...? It's too light for my liking and I don't see it making a splash. Lucia, you'll just have to keep on dancing.

France - Amaury Vassili - Sognu

The hot favourite, would you believe. It's the pretenious number of the year. You know the type. The people who think this is great are not opera listeners (true opera listeners detest 'popra') and more often than not are loving this song more out of attempt to make themselves believe that they have 'kulcha'. Well, you don't. If this song succeeds as it is predicted to do, then it will be a triumph of the type of self-seeking cultural justification that saw Justin Bieber lose the 'Best New Artist' grammy to an obscure jazz singer or the 2005 'Best Film' to the wanky 'Crash' over a classic that is 'Brokeback Mountain'. The people who love this song are caught in a self-defeating and shallow existence needing to deny the fact they actually prefer the crass elements Eurovision is famous for. Instead, they are trying ever so hard to fawn appreciation for a song in a type of supposedly 'sofistikatud' music their detractors are perceived to prefer. In other words, people who are ashamed of their true selves are liking this song not because they actually like it but because they think the cultural snobs will appreciate them more for them liking it, or at least convince themselves that that is the case. Well, get over it guys! Just embrace that you love non-pretentious crap over pretentious dribble. Opera never does well in the end at Eurovision anyway. But then again, I thought that a German, silver-spoon pop brat singing a rip-off Lilly Allen/Kate Nash track in faux Cockney wouldn't amount to much, only for her to go on and win the bloody event (and convincingly). So what do I know? Funny too that the French conveniently picked Corsican, which is a dialect of Italian, for this 'popra' number.

Belgium - Witloof Bay - With Love Baby

What a motley bunch. Did they meet at the bus stop on their commute to their desk jobs? Or was it at their Bible Study class? And what's with the beatboxing? That alone deserves null points. OK, I'm sure their a lovely bunch of people, but surely they should know that a capella just does not work at Eurovision. Hang your head in shame, Belgium.

Netherlands - 3JS - Never Alone

Bo-ring!

Iceland - Sjonni's Friends - Coming Home

Being 'nice' does work. But nice boys and girls never come first. In case you don't know (and I'm sure most don't) this song's composer, Sjonni, tragically died just days before he was going to appear with it at the Iceland selection final. Those Icelanders did the 'nice' thing and felt sympathy for his 6 mates who decided to perform this song in Sjonni's honour (hence the group's name). Well, the Eurovision audience will have 38 seconds or so to be explained all this. Will the sympathy last? Probably not. It's a cruel world.

Ireland - Jedward - Lipstick
Yes, it's the Grime twins (I did say it was Eurovision's year of the twins)

For those in the UK and Ireland who thought that these guys who just disappear under an Irish rock after their infamous introduction to the world through X-Factor 2 years ago, well, sorry to disappoint. Louie Walsh's darlings are unleashing themselves to an unsuspecting European audience in their quest for world domination. 'Am I heading for a car crash', sing the terrible twin brats. Some would say yes, especially if their back-up singers play the ultimate cruel trick and decide to let the boys carry the tune instead. Now the noise they would create would prompt the neighbours to call the police and even get the war crimes tribunal in the Hague to issue some new indictments. No matter what the ney-sayers have to say, this song is good and catchy. Jedward themselves will appeal to the (televoting) kids of Europe like flies to shit, they are fun fun fun and really couldn't give a rat's arse of what some blogger in tracky-dacks that earns a fraction of a fraction of they earn has to say. Jedward for the final, and definite top 10!

But I have saved the winner until last
UK - Blue - I Can

Finally, the BBC got their shit together and have sent an act that Europe knows. Blue were huge in the early naughties, thought not my cup of Earl Grey. Considering that their nemesis Westlife have reformed and the success of Take That (take 2), it was only a matter of time that the Blue boys would do the same so that when individual members piss at ATMs or want us to think about the dead elephants that these world-shattering events at least will actually make it into the London tabloids. The song just says 'winner'.

OK, so the cynic in me was the first to ring a bell when I heard that Blue was representing the UK i.e. the UK wants to win. Under the current Conservative/Liberal Democrat government, due to the supposed bareness of the government's coffers, the UK has no money. Still, miraculously, the UK has the dosh for a royal wedding and for lobbing expensive missles at Libya, but the new facilities for all those schools in Labour-voting areas will just have to miss out due to the huge cuts being made to social services for all those 'lazy people out there'. As the cuts begin the bite, anger amongst the classes most directly affected will grow. So what can a government do to placate them? It could stop the cuts to essential services and get big business to pay the tax they are supposed to be paying, or, better still, let's get the bread and fireworks out. The UK government has gone for option 2. Kate and Wills just got hitched and the UK taxpayer, who surprisingly did not receive an invite to Westminster Abbey, ended up with the 34 million pound bill. Nevertheless, the wedding was heavily promoted in the media to get at least part of the UK populace in a patriotic/celebrity frenzy. Now, don't you go putting those Union Jacks away as yet as next year there is the diamond jubilee (60 years of the reign of Queen Elizabeth II) followed closely by the Olympics. Just to stretch the flag waving and to distract the masses from the cuts to services such as public health and education, I feel that the government would love to add a Eurovision win this year. Picture it... UK 2012... Eurovision, Jubilee, Olympics. Meanwhile, hospitals are closed down and privatised at bargain prices for big business while health costs skyrocket. But who cares - we have Eurovision to host! So proud!

OK, enough of the cynicism. I think this song has it all to win it. And the guys know who butter their bread by doing a nude spread for a gay mag. Here's a clip:


Despite some of my misgivings as to the rationale behind the current UK push to win the contest, I stil hope the UK does win it. I would be very happy if Azerbaijan wins it as their desperation to host the contest is really annoying the living hell out of everyone, and that is never a good look. In any case, I am preparing myself to be totally shocked by the event. Happy Eurovision everyone!