Eurovision Song Contest 2011 - My predictions for the big night

Well, the two semi-finals for this year's Eurovision have passed us. What I can say is that I enjoyed it in lovely company and to the accompaniment of a lot of alcohol. However, the quality of this year's performances left a lot to be desired, resulting in an upsurge of alcohol consumption on my part to maintain the capacity to withstand the onslaught of horrible dresses, bad singing, stage props, petty nationalism and bad music. I found the first semi-final to be quite boring and was rather happy that there were some upsets in the voting. The second semi-final was delightfully entertaining, only for disappointment to set in and ruin the evening when a load of rather piss-weak and gimmicky acts made it to the final while true talent and entertainment was washed away. Oh well, what was I expecting??

Despite my cynicism, there are two songs that I will be supporting tomorrow night. The first is Blue from the UK.

My ultimate favourite is Azerbaijan


Most of the rest of tomorrow's nights offerings are as appealing to me as a cup of hot fat with a hair in it.

I have made my top 10 predictions though (definitely not my favs):

10. Ukraine - Just because of the sand artist. The singer Mika is just an annoying feature and should get out of the bloody way.
09. Georgia - Only because they're on last and the Georgian embassy staff have been handed the mobiles to go redial crazy (need to win that diplomatic war with Russia you know - they established relations with Tuvalu to stop their possible recognition of Abkhazia!). The lead singer had a 'krazzy' but dowdy frock on, but if she wants to be convincingly 'kool', she should ditch the late 80s 'nice girl' perm (that was cool on '21 Jump Street', not now) and go more punk or Lady Gaga. You're just not cutting it... erm... perhaps you should cut it.
08. Ireland - The Grimes twins have a fancy backdrop to distract the easily-hypnotised masses from their lack of musical talent (see Ukraine), plus it always helps to have the out-of-sight backup singers carry the song when you can't sing. The kids will love it, just like they did with those Latvian pirates a few years ago.
07. Sweden - The rather precious Eric Saade knows how to be all Justin Timberlake about it. I wonder if the Jerusalem Post have warned their right-wing Israeli leadership that he is part-Palestinian? He's had probs with his exploding box (don't we all!) but he has enough energy to dance it (if not sing it) through. Poor guy, though, has been bombarded with the type of gay speculation that Keanu Reeves used to face - if some gays fancy some good looking guy, then the object of this affection must obviously be gay too. Oh, the delusional.
06. Austria - Europeans love a good Disney-style ballad. This song reminds them of Mariah Carey who they hold up still as being the pinnacle of class and high music taste. Of course, when I think of Austria, I think of gospel-style singing. Must have been all of those dark foreigners that Austrians just adore who brought this music in.
05. Russia - The artist formerly known as Alex Sparrow loves his own shadow and is just sleazy to the max... perfect for the Eastern European audience! He's Russian, he's high profile in the Sovietsphere, he's gonna get votes, though he won't win. Only he is not convinced - too busy kissing his biceps. Just a tip for Alexei - less clothes, please!
04. Serbia - Well, because it's a 60s retro Motown rip-off, uptempo, familiar to the masses, colourful and a bit of a wake-up coming second to last in the running order after some slowish songs that double as cures for insomnia. Had this been in another position, I would have written it off. One for the Austin Powers fans out there or, as one Serbian turbofolk singer stated, lovers of jingles for washing detergent ads.
03. UK - Though much is said about how well-know Blue is throughout Europe, I have seen hardly anything written about them in the Eastern European press. That is the complete opposite to Israel's Dana International whose every move was being monitored, photographed and commented. Actually, just relying on these papers, other than the local rep, you would have thought that Dana International was the only singer at this year's kitschfest. Alas, the girl was robbed on Thursday night, despite owning the stage and the arena with her supermodel strut. OK, back to Blue - yes, well, they'll do well, but no gong for them. I can't see them getting enough high marks from Eastern and Southern European countries to make it past the line. Go ahead boys, prove me wrong!
02. Azerbaijan - Well, call me biased (because I love the song) but their performance on Tuesday night was stunning, simple and gave me goose bumps. It deserves to win. However, I can see some European voters being put off voting for a country they have never really heard of. Plus, with Armenia out of the pool, the Armenian brigade will be doing their best with their 100 mobiles each on redial voting for some other country all in the effort to make sure their nemesis does not win. Azerbaijan hosting the country will be used as a propaganda piece to showcase 'Azeri suffering from Armenian aggression' etc. So the Armenians have been told that they must vote for another three minute song sung in English in a music style originating from the US sung by young girl/young guy/group who have never been to the US so as to avenge for the death of their grandmother by those 'evil Turks'. While Turkish satellite TV stations have been bombarding their viewers throughout Europe urging them to vote for their 'Turkish brothers - Azerbaijan'. Ah, the lows of nationalism.
01. France - Why? Not only as a self-convincing and inherently pretentious ploy to fool everyone and themselves that the Eurovision (and therefore European) public has 'kulcha' (because it is, as one self-described 'opera fan' stated on a Eurovision forum, an 'operatic song' - obviously never heard of an 'aria' then), but because like last year's winner Germany, France is a creditor nation. Therefore, as a reward for being a bank for the rest of Europe, it's time for the vassal states to pay tribute to the great benefactor by giving it 10 and 12 points and the kudos of winning. Besides, it's one of the few countries that can afford the event, and Sarkozy is suffering in the polls and can do with a better distraction with the patriotic pump-up of a Eurovision win rather than being 'mister tough guy with the penis size issues' by bombing Libya.

Could this dweebish-looking guy with monobrow grab Europe by his crooked teeth with some op'ra?

Despite this, there are two countries that are the true winners of every Eurovision for the past decade or so - the USA and UK, and deservingly so. The showcase of dismal European pop culture that the Eurovision provides each year highlights how innovative, fun and resilient American (especially Afro-American) and urban UK music styles and culture are the pinnacle of cool worldwide. Eurovision acts merely are derivative versions of these. Even when they do mix a 'local' feel to things, there is still some American/British element to it, whether it be gospel or RnB intonations in the singing or using English. In this year's Eurovision final, the only countries that will not be singing (at least partially) in English and/or use a music style originating or influenced from the USA (especially Afro-American origin) or the UK are France (Italian opera) and Spain (Spanish/Latin American folk pop). So the USA and UK have won! Europe, your woeful pop culture is hardly getting the world to have fun...fun...fun...fun.

By the way, if you want to play a simple Eurovision drinking game but don't want to get too tiddly, how about this one: take a sip whenever you see a woman or an obviously straight man (if there is such a concept of looking 'obviously straight') in the Esprit Arena crowd. Guaranteed to keep you under the blood alcohol limit. Actually, better not, or else you'll end up having to put up with the noise and bad costumes (how come the bat-wing sleeve is back?)

OK, that's enough. For all you who enjoy Eurovision for other reasons, have a great night and may your country win (even though it will be France, unless that's your country). I'd like to be proven wrong this time...