Bulgaria - Poli Genova - Na Inat (In Spite)
As was often the case with most countries, Bulgaria had a kaleidoscope of much better songs that it could have chose. Instead, they opted for this pissed-off chick who seems to have spent too much time P!nk clips on MTV. Poli is well-known to the Bulgarian audience because, unlike her competitors, she appears every night as the lead singer for a house band on a popular talk show. I have a big issue with this song... yet another translation problem (I focus on the big issues, as always). 'Na Inat' was at first translated as the rather polite 'In Defiance', which would suggest some sort of rationale and dignity to her stance. Then the powers that be decided it should be translated as 'No Matter What'. My response to this decision was 'What the Fuck'? Then I saw some people translate the song title as 'For Spite'. When in English do you do anything 'For Spite'? Perhaps it was a typo and they meant 'For Sprite' as part of some subliminal but strategic product placement campaign by Coca Cola. No, no, 'Na Inat' means 'In Spite' and not just any old spite. 'Inat' in Bulgarian and many Balkan languages means that annoying, obnoxious, stubborn spite where someone is doing something just for the sake of being opposite for no other reason but for fun and pissing people off. Now that best describes what this song is doing to me.
Romania - Hotel FM - Change
Who thought of the pathetic name for this band? Hotel FM? That's like the piped music you get at a Hilton or Sheraton? This song does very little for me. Only thing interesting about this combo is the Brit leader singer has a naughty video lurking about the interwebs.
Moldova - Zdob şi Zdub - So Lucky
These guys have come back to the Eurovision stage after they brought along a rocking chair grandmama the last time they represented Moldova at that country's debut in 2005. This time they promise to bring a woman playing a trumpet riding a unicycle while the bandmembers wear dunce hats. Honestly, who thinks of these things up???
Ukraine - Mika Newton - Angel
And this bet Jamala! Yeah, go figure. Mika Newton (no confirmed relation to 'let's get physical' Olivia) can thank her good looks and vocal abilities for her music career and her win at the Ukrainian selection contest... oh, and her multibillionaire husband who holds great sway. In true ex-Soviet nouveau-riche, 'fake tan and bright pink Armani tracksuit with all the diamonds on at lunchtime by the pool in Monte Carlo' style, Mika and the Ukrainians have decided quantity over quality for the stage show (no less than three kitchen sinks this time). Now I wish I could have the warped mind to think of this 'great' idea but Mika's performance will include the winner of 'Ukraine's Got Talent' who happens to be a woman whose forte in life is being a 'sand artist'. Yes, she'll be creating (with her very own sand box) on the stage, with the art being projected on to a screen behind Miss Newton. No sign of the acrobats though, but we still have time to throw them in.
Russia - Alexey Vorobyev (aka Alex Sparrow) - Get You
Russia wants to win again...
Cheese, cheese and more cheese. Alexey, a sprightly Muscovite, Russia's answer to Danny Zucco, who is quite full of himself and has accomplished quite a lot in his 23 years on this planet, is singing this number penned by none other than the Moroccan Swede known as 'RedOne' (I suspect his mama does not call him that) who just happened to have written the ditty 'Poker Face' by someone you may have heard - Lady Gaga. Petrol is up near record prices again (just like in 2008, when Russia won last time) so they are wanting it back again to go OTT from the last time they went OTT (see Ukraine). I get the feeling that RedOne has given the Russians a song some big name Western singer rejected, much like what Peter Waterman, the man behind Kylie Minogue's early success in the late 80s/early 90s, did last year for the UK's awful, bottom of the scoreboard number. Not to be outdone by those pesky Ukrainians, the Russians too believe in the mantra that when all else fails, throw more kitchen sinks for guaranteed success. Alexey is well known to viewers of Russian TV (which means the whole Sovietsphere - he's won a season of Russia's 'Dancing With The Stars' for heaven's sakes) and he is a good performer, even though he does come across as sleazy. If you're still interested, there are nudie pics of Alexey available on the Net which scream 'twink gay pornstar' more than anything else. Still, I expect this song to be top 5.
Belarus - Anastasiya Vinnikova - I Love Belarus
A stroke of genius by the Lukashenko propaganda machine
This piece of stereotypical Belarussian estrada will take the Sovietsphere by storm. Some background: during Soviet times, Belarussian bands such as 'VIA Pesnyari' were extremely popular, mixing of traditional Belarussian folk melodies with mainstream pop and inoffensive rock - a music style ex-Soviets immediately associate with Belarus. So, this song will stir a nostalgic ring to those in the Sovietsphere with its Belarussian 'fakelore'. It wasn't straightforward for Belarus to come to a chest-beating ode of patriotic ego-stroking. The first song chosen was called 'Born in Byelorussia'... which contained lyrics evoking nostalgia for the USSR - not PC for the Eurovision. That was changed to 'I am Belorussian', but that was then replaced with the current number when it was discovered that it breached early publication rules. No matter what happens, this song is a win-win for Lukashenko. If it does well, Lukashenko will be able to bloat that ordinary Europeans, unlike their governments, obviously love Belarus. If it fails, then Batka can blame those pesky Europeans for applying their double-standard politics in their efforts to destroy Belarus. Genius! I personally like the song as I have a weak spot for Eastern European estrada pop with a bit of synthesized cimbalom. Why? Don't you?
Lithuania - Evelina Sasenko - C'est Ma Vie
Ugh! Nuff said
Latvia - Musiqq - Angel in Disguise
Yes, yet another song about an angel (must be a Eurovision rule to have a few in each contest)
This one has totally missed me, so... next
Estonia - Getter Jaani - Rockefeller Street
Naturally, when I think of Estonia, I think of addresses in Manhattan, New York. Well, that is what this song would suggest. Yet again, it's a poor, derivative European take of another American music style, and this time they didn't even bother leaving the subject content out of the US either. This is another fav to win. I don't think it stands a chance. What's with the beebop in the middle? By the way, Getter will do some magic trick to wow the audience in her song. If they're stooping to this, the Estonians must then think not much of the song itself.
Finland - Paradise Oskar - Da Da Dam
A copy of Belgium's Eurovision song of last year, this is one that the mummies and grannies will adore. I can see Mr Oskar having a group of cougar groupies following him for months after his performance. Be afraid, Paradise.
Sweden - Eric Saade - Popular
Hubby loves this one...
I'm not that miffed. Prop alert for the stage show - it's shattering, to say the least.
Norway - Stella Mwangi - Haba Haba
Miss Mwangi, Shakira is on the phone. She wants her song back.
Honestly, below-par African pop. Any Congolese zoukous singer can run rings around this sad number. However, last year's winner was below-par Lily Allen/Kate Nash pop sung by a German pop brat with a fake Cockney accent. That shows how clued up the Eurovision audience can be when it comes to music, so this song has more of a chance than what it really deserves.
Denmark - A New Tomorrow - A Friend in London
As was often the case with most countries, Bulgaria had a kaleidoscope of much better songs that it could have chose. Instead, they opted for this pissed-off chick who seems to have spent too much time P!nk clips on MTV. Poli is well-known to the Bulgarian audience because, unlike her competitors, she appears every night as the lead singer for a house band on a popular talk show. I have a big issue with this song... yet another translation problem (I focus on the big issues, as always). 'Na Inat' was at first translated as the rather polite 'In Defiance', which would suggest some sort of rationale and dignity to her stance. Then the powers that be decided it should be translated as 'No Matter What'. My response to this decision was 'What the Fuck'? Then I saw some people translate the song title as 'For Spite'. When in English do you do anything 'For Spite'? Perhaps it was a typo and they meant 'For Sprite' as part of some subliminal but strategic product placement campaign by Coca Cola. No, no, 'Na Inat' means 'In Spite' and not just any old spite. 'Inat' in Bulgarian and many Balkan languages means that annoying, obnoxious, stubborn spite where someone is doing something just for the sake of being opposite for no other reason but for fun and pissing people off. Now that best describes what this song is doing to me.
Romania - Hotel FM - Change
Who thought of the pathetic name for this band? Hotel FM? That's like the piped music you get at a Hilton or Sheraton? This song does very little for me. Only thing interesting about this combo is the Brit leader singer has a naughty video lurking about the interwebs.
Moldova - Zdob şi Zdub - So Lucky
These guys have come back to the Eurovision stage after they brought along a rocking chair grandmama the last time they represented Moldova at that country's debut in 2005. This time they promise to bring a woman playing a trumpet riding a unicycle while the bandmembers wear dunce hats. Honestly, who thinks of these things up???
Ukraine - Mika Newton - Angel
And this bet Jamala! Yeah, go figure. Mika Newton (no confirmed relation to 'let's get physical' Olivia) can thank her good looks and vocal abilities for her music career and her win at the Ukrainian selection contest... oh, and her multibillionaire husband who holds great sway. In true ex-Soviet nouveau-riche, 'fake tan and bright pink Armani tracksuit with all the diamonds on at lunchtime by the pool in Monte Carlo' style, Mika and the Ukrainians have decided quantity over quality for the stage show (no less than three kitchen sinks this time). Now I wish I could have the warped mind to think of this 'great' idea but Mika's performance will include the winner of 'Ukraine's Got Talent' who happens to be a woman whose forte in life is being a 'sand artist'. Yes, she'll be creating (with her very own sand box) on the stage, with the art being projected on to a screen behind Miss Newton. No sign of the acrobats though, but we still have time to throw them in.
Russia - Alexey Vorobyev (aka Alex Sparrow) - Get You
Russia wants to win again...
Cheese, cheese and more cheese. Alexey, a sprightly Muscovite, Russia's answer to Danny Zucco, who is quite full of himself and has accomplished quite a lot in his 23 years on this planet, is singing this number penned by none other than the Moroccan Swede known as 'RedOne' (I suspect his mama does not call him that) who just happened to have written the ditty 'Poker Face' by someone you may have heard - Lady Gaga. Petrol is up near record prices again (just like in 2008, when Russia won last time) so they are wanting it back again to go OTT from the last time they went OTT (see Ukraine). I get the feeling that RedOne has given the Russians a song some big name Western singer rejected, much like what Peter Waterman, the man behind Kylie Minogue's early success in the late 80s/early 90s, did last year for the UK's awful, bottom of the scoreboard number. Not to be outdone by those pesky Ukrainians, the Russians too believe in the mantra that when all else fails, throw more kitchen sinks for guaranteed success. Alexey is well known to viewers of Russian TV (which means the whole Sovietsphere - he's won a season of Russia's 'Dancing With The Stars' for heaven's sakes) and he is a good performer, even though he does come across as sleazy. If you're still interested, there are nudie pics of Alexey available on the Net which scream 'twink gay pornstar' more than anything else. Still, I expect this song to be top 5.
Belarus - Anastasiya Vinnikova - I Love Belarus
A stroke of genius by the Lukashenko propaganda machine
This piece of stereotypical Belarussian estrada will take the Sovietsphere by storm. Some background: during Soviet times, Belarussian bands such as 'VIA Pesnyari' were extremely popular, mixing of traditional Belarussian folk melodies with mainstream pop and inoffensive rock - a music style ex-Soviets immediately associate with Belarus. So, this song will stir a nostalgic ring to those in the Sovietsphere with its Belarussian 'fakelore'. It wasn't straightforward for Belarus to come to a chest-beating ode of patriotic ego-stroking. The first song chosen was called 'Born in Byelorussia'... which contained lyrics evoking nostalgia for the USSR - not PC for the Eurovision. That was changed to 'I am Belorussian', but that was then replaced with the current number when it was discovered that it breached early publication rules. No matter what happens, this song is a win-win for Lukashenko. If it does well, Lukashenko will be able to bloat that ordinary Europeans, unlike their governments, obviously love Belarus. If it fails, then Batka can blame those pesky Europeans for applying their double-standard politics in their efforts to destroy Belarus. Genius! I personally like the song as I have a weak spot for Eastern European estrada pop with a bit of synthesized cimbalom. Why? Don't you?
Lithuania - Evelina Sasenko - C'est Ma Vie
Ugh! Nuff said
Latvia - Musiqq - Angel in Disguise
Yes, yet another song about an angel (must be a Eurovision rule to have a few in each contest)
This one has totally missed me, so... next
Estonia - Getter Jaani - Rockefeller Street
Naturally, when I think of Estonia, I think of addresses in Manhattan, New York. Well, that is what this song would suggest. Yet again, it's a poor, derivative European take of another American music style, and this time they didn't even bother leaving the subject content out of the US either. This is another fav to win. I don't think it stands a chance. What's with the beebop in the middle? By the way, Getter will do some magic trick to wow the audience in her song. If they're stooping to this, the Estonians must then think not much of the song itself.
Finland - Paradise Oskar - Da Da Dam
A copy of Belgium's Eurovision song of last year, this is one that the mummies and grannies will adore. I can see Mr Oskar having a group of cougar groupies following him for months after his performance. Be afraid, Paradise.
Sweden - Eric Saade - Popular
Hubby loves this one...
I'm not that miffed. Prop alert for the stage show - it's shattering, to say the least.
Norway - Stella Mwangi - Haba Haba
Miss Mwangi, Shakira is on the phone. She wants her song back.
Honestly, below-par African pop. Any Congolese zoukous singer can run rings around this sad number. However, last year's winner was below-par Lily Allen/Kate Nash pop sung by a German pop brat with a fake Cockney accent. That shows how clued up the Eurovision audience can be when it comes to music, so this song has more of a chance than what it really deserves.
Denmark - A New Tomorrow - A Friend in London
Oh please! If we can't copy Americans, then we'll copy Brits. Even the band's name mentions London. FFS! Null points for originality. There's a YouTube clip out there mixing numerous songs worldwide that already sounded like this song. Get a haircut and an original song, you hippies! Still, the public love familiarity so this should do well.
Germany - Lena - Taking By A Stranger
Last year's winner is back to promote her new album, oops, I mean, defend her title. How could I think such a thing at first. It's not like her agent is hosting the show and he has his people and big band on board too... erm.... moving on. I'd like this song if it went somewhere. As it is, it's just like as it says on the packet - it's like being taken by a stranger and having no idea where you're going, or for that matter the stranger. I can't emphasise how much I can't stand Lena's faux Cockney accent - Lily Allen fakes it better than you because at least she comes from London. Not a winner but could shake things.
Poland - Magdalena Tul - Jestem
What an unfortunate surname you have there, Maggie - Tul (pronounced 'Tool'). There had to be at least one Katy Perry rip-off this year and this is it. Not even a guest appearance by Mr Katy Perry himself Russell Brand could save this one.
Slovakia - TWiiNS - I'm Still Alive
It's the year of the identical twins this Eurovision. Slovakia is providing the girl pair. I'm sure that some guys watching this show will have their ears prick up (amongst other things) once they hear that gorgeous Slovak twin girl barbies will appear. Their excitement will dissipate just as quickly when they realise that they won't be engaging in 'hot, girl-on-girl action'. Mind you, that is the only thing that will save this sugary number. To think, the only reason Slovakia is here this year is because a no-show would have cost Slovak TV more in cancellation fines. Surely shows how enthusiastic they are to be there. I say that they'll be checking out of their hotel before Saturday's final.
Hungary - Kati Wolf - What About My Dreams
As what one blogger said, so what about your dreams? Hubby LOVES this song, to the point that any criticism of it and out comes the virtual knives. As he'll be reading this, I'll say that it does the job... ok, I'm willing to face the gauntlet (the sacrifices I make). This song is a Eurovision fan favourite, which can be a curse. I see this song not doing that well. I mean, Hungary has no friends so no hope in hell in winning. Go ahead, prove me wrong Miss Wolf.
Austria - Nadine Beiler - The Secret Is Love
After a boycott of 4 years, Austria has finally mounted off its moral high horse and has deemed the Eurovision fair again. Are we overjoyed that they are back like a prodigal child? Nah. Austria could have sent an act called 'Trackshittaz' to the party in Düsseldorf, but no, the Austrian public opted for a former Pop-Idol winner singing a Disney-esque, sickly-sweet ballad that little and big girls Europe-wide think is 'nice'. My big problem is what is with her haircut?? Did she try cutting her hair herself or does she get the Council to do it? Maybe this is one of those European fashions that will be hitting Australia in 2 years time. Whatever, it's hideous. Nadine, don't come back until you've had your locks done by someone other than your baby sister.
Switzerland - Anna Rossinelli - In Love For A While
Such a standout that I totally forgot about it. Speeding past now...
Italy - Raphael Gualazzi - Follia d'amore
Yet another country who has returned to the fold. Italy turned its back to Eurovision after their 1997 entry was accused of slavishly copying a Roxette song. So pissed were the Italians that they took the attitude they took to fighting wars and ran away claiming that they never have been interested in the event anyway. Well, the Italians are back, and what do they serve us? Jazz by an ugly guy on a piano. You'd think 14 years in the wilderness and time to contemplate past successes and mistakes would have brewed up some interesting creative juices. Alas, no. Jazz never does well at Eurovision, so when this song gets a hopelessly bad score, we might bid farewell to the Italians for yet another 14 years.
San Marino - Senit - Stand By
Pretty please, could I have those three minutes back?
Malta - Glen Vella - One Life
Why Malta?? Why this? Again, they had some better options, but no, a younger, dimmer Maltese version of Mr Humphries from 'Are You Being Served' will camp us out. I'm afraid this song does not even have the 'one life' it propagates. Maltese hearts will be disappointed again, but Facebook fans will rejoice as it will generate another surge of new 'Malta Out of Eurovision' groups to join.
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