OK, so I haven't been around for over 2 months now. Well, I do have a life (well, sorta) which gets the better of me. Believe me, I've wanted to make many comments about the latest happenings. But before I launch myself back to picking to shreds the hypocrisy of our free world, there's something else that is currently taking up my interest - the upcoming 56th Eurovision Song Contest (otherwise known as 'Gay Christmas') to be held over three nights from 10th to 14th May in the rather dull German city of Düsseldorf. Interestingly, some people in the UK pronounce the first syllable of Düsseldorf as if it rhymes with 'fuss', but what's an umlaut anyway except two dots above a vowel? OK...
For the past few months, along with the hubby, I've listened to the songs and have often covered my head and shouted 'No... good lord, nooooo!' when I discovered that the fair televoters and 'expert jury' (yeah... right) have found it in their wisdom to ditch some brilliant potential Eurovision songs for the bizarre and tasteless. Case in point is this three minute of joy by the lovely (and extremely bonkers) Jamala from Ukraine. Do what she says and .... Smiiiiiile
Unfortunately Jamala will not be gracing the stage in Düsseldorf (boo, hiss), but more about this year's Ukrainian entry later.
43 countries will be participating at this year's event, and I plan now to go through them all and give them my take. Before we proceed through this veritable buffet of bizarre and bombs, I would like to point out why I love this contest so much. As a child in Australia, I was fascinated with languages, flags and different cultures, plus the allure of Europe, where I had spent part of my early childhood, as a place of culture and fashion. So when a local, multicultural TV station started showing the Eurovision in Australia, I took to it like a wind machine and an awkward male-female compare combo typical of Eurovisions past. To hear all these languages being sung, often with a little local flare added in, was like all my Christmases arriving at one. And like Christmas, it came annually. Australia had a fashion lag back then (2 years on average) so we would watch Eurovision to see what Europe is wearing and what the colour de jeur is. When it was purple one year, I knew that would never take on in blokey Oz.
For the past few months, along with the hubby, I've listened to the songs and have often covered my head and shouted 'No... good lord, nooooo!' when I discovered that the fair televoters and 'expert jury' (yeah... right) have found it in their wisdom to ditch some brilliant potential Eurovision songs for the bizarre and tasteless. Case in point is this three minute of joy by the lovely (and extremely bonkers) Jamala from Ukraine. Do what she says and .... Smiiiiiile
Unfortunately Jamala will not be gracing the stage in Düsseldorf (boo, hiss), but more about this year's Ukrainian entry later.
43 countries will be participating at this year's event, and I plan now to go through them all and give them my take. Before we proceed through this veritable buffet of bizarre and bombs, I would like to point out why I love this contest so much. As a child in Australia, I was fascinated with languages, flags and different cultures, plus the allure of Europe, where I had spent part of my early childhood, as a place of culture and fashion. So when a local, multicultural TV station started showing the Eurovision in Australia, I took to it like a wind machine and an awkward male-female compare combo typical of Eurovisions past. To hear all these languages being sung, often with a little local flare added in, was like all my Christmases arriving at one. And like Christmas, it came annually. Australia had a fashion lag back then (2 years on average) so we would watch Eurovision to see what Europe is wearing and what the colour de jeur is. When it was purple one year, I knew that would never take on in blokey Oz.
Over the years my Eurovision focus gradually changed... to a cynical bent, full of derision but also of celebration. It no longer was a rare source of world pop. With the advent of the Internet, music from around the world has become more accessible so nowadays listening to something like Turkish rock, Portuguese protest songs or Saami yelping is just a mouse-click away. With the greater competition, Eurovision songs have lost their former edge. However, for what it lacks in music, it surelay makes up with outrageous characters, stage performances and the madness and underlying political machinations of the voying. The contest now for me is a celebration and embarrassment of kitsch, over-the-top camp, mixed with intense but petty nationalism. It's hilarious that so many people in Europe and beyond hold the interests of their nation's pride at stake based on the fortunes of a 3 minute pop song sung in English and based on a music style that originates from Afro-American music styles... très European. Watching from afar, we can laugh at those supposed 'sophisticated' and 'cultured' Europeans and realise that they are human and that they love crap like anyone else. Still, like any pop medium barometer (like awards such as the Oscars), many grabbed by the excitement of Eurovision do see themselves to be more cultured that what they are really are, with this quest to convince themselves as being 'cultured' a subliminal determiner in their otherwise faddy music choices. Watching this happen is hilarious but essentially human.
I must also add that I have not watched a Eurovision since 1999 without being under the influence of alcohol or (as was the case in 2008) chemo drugs. I did, however, watch the first part of the 2003 contest sober and I can safely say that it was a truly horrifying experience (and, as mentioned earlier in this very sentence, I've been under chemo, so I don't say this lightly). Anyway, Mr. Music, please press the play button and let the tunes fly...
Making my way geographically, here are this year's songs
Azerbaijan - Eldar & Nigar - Running Scared
I thought I would start with my favourite song this year, but don't get too excited. Eldar is a nice Azeri boy plucked from obscurity after a long-winded selection process (which most likely involved a fair amount of 'favours' passing hands) to sing with the obviously much older, London-resident mother of two, Nigar.
What I like is that this song is 2011, sweet and ready for a radio playlist, which is not something you can usually say for Eurovision songs. Unfortunately, the obvious age difference between the otherwise on-screen lovers is quite apparent, so this could be one for the cougar vote - an ever lucrative and growing market out there. The Azeris, especially the ever smiling first lady Mehriban Aliyeva, have been itching to win the event so as to showcase how fantastic oily, Alievy Azerbaijan is and to have one up on the Armenians. Will they win it this year? I don't think so, but top 5 is on the cards... otherwise heads will roll and it will be back to the Azeri 'Win Eurovision' drawing board.
Since I mentioned Armenia, let's move on their number
Armenia - Emmy - Boom Boom
Yes, the lyrics are imaginative. Here's Emmy performing to the Armenian audience in frock with horrible sleves that her mother must have run up on a Singer sewing machine
My verdict - yuk is too kind. Just to let you in that the Eurovision staging for this song has a boxing theme, so to team with the theme dear Emmy will be seated in a huge boxing glove. Umm... yes, I am off the chemo and saying that with a sound mind... sorry.
Next up, the former Soviet republic of Georgia and Elrine with One More Day
Some Eurovision fans have called this the worst Eurovision song eva! Now that's a bit harsh. I just think that they are bunch of tryhard wannabes. Sorry guys, you're just not as cool as you make yourselves out to be.
Turkey - Yüksek Sadakat - Live It Up
I loved YS when they first burst onto the Turkish pop/rock scene about 5 years ago. There was something so un-Turkish about them then. So when I heard they were chosen to be Turkey's reps this year, I was thrilled. Well, the thrills quickly disappeared upon hearing this 'dull as dishwater' drabble of pub rock. Really guys, is this the best you could do? No soup for you!
Cyprus - Christos Mylordos - San aggelos s' agapisa (I Loved You Like An Angel)
Honestly, there are literally hundreds of songs that are released that sound like this in Cyprus and Greece every year, so musically it's unoriginal and boring for listeners of contemporary Greek music. As for the rest of Europe who only get to hear this type of dead horse flogging at Eurovision once a year, this will be just ace and remind them of their sunny times on holiday being ripped off on a Greek island where the bartenders overpour the spirits in that non-EU way. Still, that won't be enough to get it past the first hurdle, no matter what silly staging they have (trust me, they do have some gimmicks). Plus, Mr Mylordos (is that really his name??) is not pleasant on the eye, so that's points deducted. So it's a no from me.
Israel - Dana International - Ding Dong
Yes, the one and only Dana, the Diva herself, 1998 Eurovision winner and the only (known) transexual to have taken the gong is back with her self-penned Ding Dong
Not her best work (a recurring theme here), but compared to some of the other female-led dance numbers in this year's batch this is the best one. The Eurovision version has been souped up for 2011 with a hint of Lady Gaga to it, and I'm not talking about the rumour of appendages. I would like to see this in the top 10, and unlike most others participating this year, Dana has the advantage of being familiar to televoters. However, the fanboys, not ones for reality, want time to stand still and have their 'Diva' like she was in 1998, feathers and all. Needless to say, they are already being spolit kids in a supermaket aisle about it kicking the boxes of cereals. But watch out for the fancy frock Jean-Paul Gautier has ready for her this year - it definitely won't be bought from Zara.
Greece - Stereo Mike and Loucas Yiorkas - Watch My Dance
Ummm...
Well, I knew this song was going to be picked by the Greek public. Why? Because in true Greek mainstream (i.e. nationalist) narrowmindedness, they will only go for a Greek-style song. This song is horrid and then even ore horrible on top of that. The 9/8 beat of the 'Greek-style' part sung by Loucas Yiorkas is known as 'zeibekiko', which is based on a Turkish folk dance (so it's not even Greek) - a beat that European audiences won't get. Neither will they get the supposed rapping by the London-based Stereo Mike. I mean someone (like me, or better still, Simon Cowell) should sit Mr Mike down with a cup of tea, hold his hand and tell him in that 'nice' voice: Mikey, sweetie, you are not from the ghetto and you can't rap. To think, he has a successful rap career in Greece. No wonder the country is bankrupt. This death march of a song surely will bomb like a Mafia victim with concrete boots.
Albania - Aurelia Gaçe - Feel The Passion
All those fans of Albapop will rejoice over this number
But yeah, so how many albapop fans are there out there? Besides Albanians, well... no one. I do love Albanian pop and I love the 36 year old Aurelia. Yes, she claims she's 36! That's a helluva lot of makeup you're wearing there Aurelia. Me thinks you remember Hoxha's Cultural Revolution of the late 60s. Moving along, I like it but it's too Albanian for European tastes. Perhaps a wardrobe malfunction could help then.
Macedonia - Vlatko Ilievski - Rusinka (Russian Girl)
I have to brag here - I was the first person in the World to tweet that Vlatko Ilievski won the 'honour' to represent Macedonia at this year's Eurovision. Strangely enough, the Macedonian selection concert was not an event that was setting the Twittersphere on fire, so I can't really compare myself in terms of groundbreaking scope as the guy who twittered Osama Bin Laden's death, but hey, it comes close.
Word in Macedonia had it for months before the selection contest in February that Vlatko was going to represent Macedonia at the Eurovision. Macedonians were wondering then why bother getting another 19 performers to compete at some badly-organised event in Skopje then? Besides, wasn't MKTV bankrupt anyway> Still, everyone went through the motions and, low and behold, what a coincidence, Vlatko won (overwhelmingly). Of course it has nothing to do with his links to the ruling nationalist party - that's just stuff and nonsense. Naturally, this song at first was a total disaster for me (I think my exact words were 'please, make him stop!'). However, after a few listens I warmed to it. Unfortunately the rest of Europe won't get multiple chances to hear this weak song for them to change their initial impressions which I expect will be no different from mine. At least Vlatko's early return will save Macedonian TV some money on hotel costs.
Serbia - Nina - Čaroban
Nina was nobody before being plucked from obscurity and winning the chance to represent Serbia. Lots of colour
I'm not one for retro 60s motown numbers like this. Extremely unoriginal, but seeing things with the cup half full, another example of how resilient and universal (Afro-)American pop culture is. Well done USA and sucked in Europe! However, I have an issue with the translation - Čaroban should be 'charming' and not 'magical', but why consult a professional translator (like myself)when there is Google Translate.... hmmm.
Bosnia-Herzegovina - Dino Merlin - Love In Rewind
Really Dino....?
Much like with Turkey, when I heard that one of my most favourite (ex-Yugo) singers was going to represent Bosnia-Herzegovina, I was so excited and expectations were running high. Dino Merlin has written and sung many great songs throughout his career. Alas, this is not one of them. Sounds like he whipped this lame piece of noise in 5 minutes while answering the phone and cutting his toenails. I want this to fail miserably as punishment for Dino so he never does this sloppy work ever again. Don't let him get away with it! However, for some reason unbeknownst to me, this is a favourite to walk away with the bad piece of modernist art posing as the Eurovision 2011 prize. Yes! Please explain!?!?
Croatia - Daria - Celebrate
Just think, they had a Pop-Idol type contest to select this
'Salivate', oops... I think the German-born Daria means 'Celebrate', is as exciting as a stale old piece of toast. To think this song in English was originally called 'Break A Leg'. If only she could have! That's mean of me, but that's life. A big NO for me. Please, bring back Doris Dragović from 1999 with Marija Magdalena! Now I'm sounding like a sooky fanboy.
Slovenia - Maja Keuc - No One
Not bad, a bit dated but then again when has that been a problem at Eurovision. This song has that interesting notation in the chorus to make what other would be a boring ballad interesting. Unfortunately for Slovenia, it somehow starts with minus 50 points so if Maja gets to sing her song on Saturday, this will be some achievement. Crazier things have happened, like Maja's country making the Football World Cup in 2010!
Making my way geographically, here are this year's songs
Azerbaijan - Eldar & Nigar - Running Scared
I thought I would start with my favourite song this year, but don't get too excited. Eldar is a nice Azeri boy plucked from obscurity after a long-winded selection process (which most likely involved a fair amount of 'favours' passing hands) to sing with the obviously much older, London-resident mother of two, Nigar.
What I like is that this song is 2011, sweet and ready for a radio playlist, which is not something you can usually say for Eurovision songs. Unfortunately, the obvious age difference between the otherwise on-screen lovers is quite apparent, so this could be one for the cougar vote - an ever lucrative and growing market out there. The Azeris, especially the ever smiling first lady Mehriban Aliyeva, have been itching to win the event so as to showcase how fantastic oily, Alievy Azerbaijan is and to have one up on the Armenians. Will they win it this year? I don't think so, but top 5 is on the cards... otherwise heads will roll and it will be back to the Azeri 'Win Eurovision' drawing board.
Since I mentioned Armenia, let's move on their number
Armenia - Emmy - Boom Boom
Yes, the lyrics are imaginative. Here's Emmy performing to the Armenian audience in frock with horrible sleves that her mother must have run up on a Singer sewing machine
My verdict - yuk is too kind. Just to let you in that the Eurovision staging for this song has a boxing theme, so to team with the theme dear Emmy will be seated in a huge boxing glove. Umm... yes, I am off the chemo and saying that with a sound mind... sorry.
Next up, the former Soviet republic of Georgia and Elrine with One More Day
Some Eurovision fans have called this the worst Eurovision song eva! Now that's a bit harsh. I just think that they are bunch of tryhard wannabes. Sorry guys, you're just not as cool as you make yourselves out to be.
Turkey - Yüksek Sadakat - Live It Up
I loved YS when they first burst onto the Turkish pop/rock scene about 5 years ago. There was something so un-Turkish about them then. So when I heard they were chosen to be Turkey's reps this year, I was thrilled. Well, the thrills quickly disappeared upon hearing this 'dull as dishwater' drabble of pub rock. Really guys, is this the best you could do? No soup for you!
Cyprus - Christos Mylordos - San aggelos s' agapisa (I Loved You Like An Angel)
Honestly, there are literally hundreds of songs that are released that sound like this in Cyprus and Greece every year, so musically it's unoriginal and boring for listeners of contemporary Greek music. As for the rest of Europe who only get to hear this type of dead horse flogging at Eurovision once a year, this will be just ace and remind them of their sunny times on holiday being ripped off on a Greek island where the bartenders overpour the spirits in that non-EU way. Still, that won't be enough to get it past the first hurdle, no matter what silly staging they have (trust me, they do have some gimmicks). Plus, Mr Mylordos (is that really his name??) is not pleasant on the eye, so that's points deducted. So it's a no from me.
Israel - Dana International - Ding Dong
Yes, the one and only Dana, the Diva herself, 1998 Eurovision winner and the only (known) transexual to have taken the gong is back with her self-penned Ding Dong
Not her best work (a recurring theme here), but compared to some of the other female-led dance numbers in this year's batch this is the best one. The Eurovision version has been souped up for 2011 with a hint of Lady Gaga to it, and I'm not talking about the rumour of appendages. I would like to see this in the top 10, and unlike most others participating this year, Dana has the advantage of being familiar to televoters. However, the fanboys, not ones for reality, want time to stand still and have their 'Diva' like she was in 1998, feathers and all. Needless to say, they are already being spolit kids in a supermaket aisle about it kicking the boxes of cereals. But watch out for the fancy frock Jean-Paul Gautier has ready for her this year - it definitely won't be bought from Zara.
Greece - Stereo Mike and Loucas Yiorkas - Watch My Dance
Ummm...
Well, I knew this song was going to be picked by the Greek public. Why? Because in true Greek mainstream (i.e. nationalist) narrowmindedness, they will only go for a Greek-style song. This song is horrid and then even ore horrible on top of that. The 9/8 beat of the 'Greek-style' part sung by Loucas Yiorkas is known as 'zeibekiko', which is based on a Turkish folk dance (so it's not even Greek) - a beat that European audiences won't get. Neither will they get the supposed rapping by the London-based Stereo Mike. I mean someone (like me, or better still, Simon Cowell) should sit Mr Mike down with a cup of tea, hold his hand and tell him in that 'nice' voice: Mikey, sweetie, you are not from the ghetto and you can't rap. To think, he has a successful rap career in Greece. No wonder the country is bankrupt. This death march of a song surely will bomb like a Mafia victim with concrete boots.
Albania - Aurelia Gaçe - Feel The Passion
All those fans of Albapop will rejoice over this number
But yeah, so how many albapop fans are there out there? Besides Albanians, well... no one. I do love Albanian pop and I love the 36 year old Aurelia. Yes, she claims she's 36! That's a helluva lot of makeup you're wearing there Aurelia. Me thinks you remember Hoxha's Cultural Revolution of the late 60s. Moving along, I like it but it's too Albanian for European tastes. Perhaps a wardrobe malfunction could help then.
Macedonia - Vlatko Ilievski - Rusinka (Russian Girl)
I have to brag here - I was the first person in the World to tweet that Vlatko Ilievski won the 'honour' to represent Macedonia at this year's Eurovision. Strangely enough, the Macedonian selection concert was not an event that was setting the Twittersphere on fire, so I can't really compare myself in terms of groundbreaking scope as the guy who twittered Osama Bin Laden's death, but hey, it comes close.
Word in Macedonia had it for months before the selection contest in February that Vlatko was going to represent Macedonia at the Eurovision. Macedonians were wondering then why bother getting another 19 performers to compete at some badly-organised event in Skopje then? Besides, wasn't MKTV bankrupt anyway> Still, everyone went through the motions and, low and behold, what a coincidence, Vlatko won (overwhelmingly). Of course it has nothing to do with his links to the ruling nationalist party - that's just stuff and nonsense. Naturally, this song at first was a total disaster for me (I think my exact words were 'please, make him stop!'). However, after a few listens I warmed to it. Unfortunately the rest of Europe won't get multiple chances to hear this weak song for them to change their initial impressions which I expect will be no different from mine. At least Vlatko's early return will save Macedonian TV some money on hotel costs.
Serbia - Nina - Čaroban
Nina was nobody before being plucked from obscurity and winning the chance to represent Serbia. Lots of colour
I'm not one for retro 60s motown numbers like this. Extremely unoriginal, but seeing things with the cup half full, another example of how resilient and universal (Afro-)American pop culture is. Well done USA and sucked in Europe! However, I have an issue with the translation - Čaroban should be 'charming' and not 'magical', but why consult a professional translator (like myself)when there is Google Translate.... hmmm.
Bosnia-Herzegovina - Dino Merlin - Love In Rewind
Really Dino....?
Much like with Turkey, when I heard that one of my most favourite (ex-Yugo) singers was going to represent Bosnia-Herzegovina, I was so excited and expectations were running high. Dino Merlin has written and sung many great songs throughout his career. Alas, this is not one of them. Sounds like he whipped this lame piece of noise in 5 minutes while answering the phone and cutting his toenails. I want this to fail miserably as punishment for Dino so he never does this sloppy work ever again. Don't let him get away with it! However, for some reason unbeknownst to me, this is a favourite to walk away with the bad piece of modernist art posing as the Eurovision 2011 prize. Yes! Please explain!?!?
Croatia - Daria - Celebrate
Just think, they had a Pop-Idol type contest to select this
'Salivate', oops... I think the German-born Daria means 'Celebrate', is as exciting as a stale old piece of toast. To think this song in English was originally called 'Break A Leg'. If only she could have! That's mean of me, but that's life. A big NO for me. Please, bring back Doris Dragović from 1999 with Marija Magdalena! Now I'm sounding like a sooky fanboy.
Slovenia - Maja Keuc - No One
Not bad, a bit dated but then again when has that been a problem at Eurovision. This song has that interesting notation in the chorus to make what other would be a boring ballad interesting. Unfortunately for Slovenia, it somehow starts with minus 50 points so if Maja gets to sing her song on Saturday, this will be some achievement. Crazier things have happened, like Maja's country making the Football World Cup in 2010!
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