It’s that time of year again. Europe goes into meltdown of a
non-financial sort, though the amount of hyperbole and inflamed national
passion is much the same, coupled with conspiracy and a helluva lot of sequins.
It’s Eurovision, and Aliyevstan, oops, Azerbaijan is this year’s welcoming
hosts after their victory last year with Nikki and Elli’s ‘Running Scared’.
With a brand new performance venue whipped up in less than 12 months, the head
of this year’s organising committee, ever-smiling and caring ‘first ledi’ of
Azerbaijan Mehriban Aliyeva, has organised so that her family’s construction
company was awarded the lion’s share of the sub-contracting work to build the
Crystal Hall (or perhaps ‘White Elephant’ could have been a better title), her
daughters’ mobile phone company be the main sponsor, and her son-in-law Emin to
croon to our... erm... delight during the half-time. But more about that
another time. Time to give some well-needed different perspectives of this
year’s numbers.
Overall, the quality of this year’s entries is much, much,
much better than last year. Unlike last year, I actually have songs that I like
this year! So let’s go by semi-final order, followed by the six automatic
finalists in performance order.
Mehriban Aliyeva, yet again can't hide her excitement in welcoming you to her country, and she means 'her' country.
1st SEMI FINAL - Tuesday 22nd May 2012
1. MONTENEGRO
Euro Neuro - Rambo Amadeus
Gotta say, I had trouble having to put my bottom jaw back
into my mouth when RTCG announced that Mr Amadeus was to represent Montenegro
at this year’s Eurovision. Why, you may ask (you probably didn’t)? Well, Rambo
Amadeus a few years back rather publicly denounced Eurovision and anyone who
watches it in not nice terms... only for him to be part of it now.
Rambo Amadeus is (in)famous throughout ex-Yugoslavia for his
deadpan delivery (much in the form of a stereotypical but wise Balkan drunk) of
songs commenting on political, social and cultural phenomena. Of his most
notorious actions (and one for your Eurovision fans of old), in 1992 during the
height of Slobodan Milosevic’s rule in Serbia, Rambo Amadeus interrupted a
performance by Yugoslavia’s 1991 Eurovision entrant, Bebi Doll, accusing her of
pandering to the hypernationalism of the time. He also coined the term
‘turbofolk’, though it first was to describe the music he was creating, which
was a satirical form of the pop-folk music hugely popular throughout Yugoslavia
at the time. Not noticing that the joke was on the derided music genre itself,
the fans then co-opted the term and voilà, there you have it. Mind you, this
Eurovision foray for Rambo is not the first time he has been somewhat
hypocritical in his actions. Despite Amadeus’s disdain for the newly
rechristened Turbofolk, in 1994 he composed the music for, and starred in, a
film called ‘Slatko od Snova’ (Beyond the Wildest Dreams), which also starred
Yugo-turbofolk’s biggest star of the time, Dragana Mirković, and was released by turbofolk’s then biggest
label – ZaM!
OK, enough about Rambo
Amadeus and on to the song. Well, you are practically getting your typical
Rambo Amadeus song. Ethnic motives, deadpan delivery that is practically spoken
not sung, subtle commentary about the backwardness and anti-intellectualism of
mainstream Balkan society – stuff that Europe will not get. He may have stood a
chance had he been in the Balkan-heavy second semi-final in making it into
Saturday night, and he could arouse some interest with being topical with the euro.
However, I just see Portugal’s entry from last year in this – so it’s back to
Belgrade (Rambo Amadeus does not live in Montenegro) for him.
2. ICELAND
Never Forget - Gréta Salome and Jónsi
One word – fanwank! This rather dreary and extremely
dated (even for Eurovision) song is setting the Eurovision fans on fire (pardon
the pun – refer to this year’s slogan). I ask myself... why? It seems that the
fanboys are thinking more with their dicks when they seen Jónsi (a regular
factor in determining what is a ‘good’ song), or that the very datedness of the
song is reminding them of their childhoods when Eurovision (according to them)
was in its golden age. In any case, I believe this song is overrated. Next.
3. GREECE
Eleftheria Eleftheriou – Aphrodisiac
Cheap, cheap, cheap! Much like Giorgos Alkaios in 2010
with his dreadful ‘Opa’, this is a Greece-by-numbers song that, if you even
listen to Greek music beyond Greece and Cyprus’s ESC yearly entries, is
two-a-penny in Greece. Practically, dozens of songs like this one are released
on the Greek market every year, usually as album fillers. As well, this song
not only showcases how financially bankrupt the country is, but also on ideas.
Greece obviously is incapable of producing any other type of song. However,
judging by the reaction this awful song has had at various pre-Eurovision
events, the fanboys love it – probably because it is serving the stereotype,
and if you don’t get to listen to over a hundred clones of this tune every
year, you too would think it’s original and fresh. Personally, I hope this
fails to make the final, but I hoped the same would have occurred in 2010 –
only for Alkaios to get 9th place in the final!
4. LATVIA
Anmary – Beautiful Song
Much derided by the Eurovision fanboys for its lyrics.
But, how many people watching Eurovision, a majority of whom will be hearing
this song for the first time, will actually be attentively listening and
understanding the lyrics? What matters is the chorus, which is beautiful and
quite catchy. Now that the bad performance from the Latvian selection has been
(gladly) ditched, I could see this making it through to the final.
5. ALBANIA
Rona Nishliu – Suus
The Albanians believe in the mantra of quantity over
quality. No one likes a show-off, and basically that is what Rona is doing
here... or else she has a bad case of toothache. The over-the-top note she
pulls off is just way too much. This for me is like France’s opera entry last
year – the fanboys are loving it because in their delusional self-belief they
recognise class and style, they actually think that overscreeching a note constitutes
an artistic song. Well, it doesn’t. I can’t see how the juries will warm to
this either. Rona obviously can sing, but this is not the best song to display
her talent.
6. ROMANIA
Mandinga – Zaleilah
Now this is Romania today! This manele/latin/pop style
pioneered by Romanian pop composer Costi Ionita has not only taken Romania by
storm but has been getting the Balkans, Turkey and beyond into a frenzy.
Complete with a simple dance routine, and already a hit in the Balkans, this
song should do very well. Unfortunately, many of the countries where Mandinga’s
previous hits have been big are in the second semi-final, but I can see this still
easily making the final... so long as the lead singer does not wear that
hideous frock she wore at Eurovision in Concert in Amsterdam last month.
Romania's Mandinga, in her lounge gear. Go on, join in and do the dance step.
Sinplus – Unbreakable
I had to be reminded of what this song sounded like –
not a good sign. It has a 90s soft rock sound to it, though that usually is not
a good sign for Eurovision (cue Estonia 2010). When the guys performed this
song in Amsterdam, they had a great stage presence and engaged the audience
well. If they can pull that off on TV, they may have a chance to make it
through.
8. BELGIUM
Iris – Would You
Um, no, I would not
9. FINLAND
Pernilla Karlsson – När jag blundar
When I heard this song for the first time, I thought
it was in Finnish. How wrong was I – it’s in Swedish. Well, I like it, but I
don’t think that Pernilla will be sticking around until Saturday.
10. ISRAEL
Izabo – Time/Zman
If we are talking about originality in crossovers,
this song does it the best this year. Izabo is the sound of Tel Aviv! 1960s
surf music eluding the beach and escapism, with Middle Eastern motives. Pity
the lead singer has a face for radio. Glad that they have ditched the circus
theme (clowns and the circus are actually scary, frightening places full of
evil) and gone for the Tel Aviv vibe. So far this is getting the cool kids
vote, and I hope that it grabs the same attention that Moldova’s entry last
year did.
11. SAN MARINO
Valentina Monetta – The Social Network Song
This is horrible, trashy, cheap pop. Poor Valentina, a
talented acid-jazz singer, has lowered herself to this horrible bucket of slop.
However, the pure trashiness of this song makes it quite direct, so it could
strike a chord with the viewing public. However, we are talking about San
Marino here.
12. CYPRUS
Ivi Adamou – Lala Love
See Greece
13. DENMARK
Soluna Samay – Should’ve Known Better
Nelly Furtado 2001 for me. Boring and dull. Going
through.
Udmurtia's finest - Buranovskie babushki doing their thing. But who's looking after the cow?
Buranovskie babushki – Party For Everybody
I LOVE these babushki! Hailing from Buranovo in the
republic of Udmurtia, these grandmothers are not a frivolous novelty act but a
group of dedicated folklorists who are helping to preserve and promote the
traditional culture and music of the Finnic-speaking Udmurts. The lovely women simply
radiate happiness and joy that it would take a complete cold-hearted scrooge
who kills kittens for fun to not find this endearing. I admit that this song
has brought me to tears of joy, though I was very emotional under the influence
of alcohol at the time. But this is how most of Eastern Europe will be watching
this performance, and that televoter (and possibly jury member) will identify
their own grandmother on stage. The song itself is not the babushki’s best
song, however by going for a low-denominator Eastern European wedding song,
they have sewn up the televote. But will the juries fall for it? Well, going by
the disdain on the faces of Russian jury members whenever the babushki have
performed at Russian selection concerts, I don’t see them winning the event.
Top 5 definite though. I love them!
15. HUNGARY
Compact Disco – Sound of Our Hearts
A big NO! Based on their performances in Amsterdam and
London, they show no rapport with the audience, barely hide their disgust of
having to perform to a mainly gay crowd (fanboys), and their nationalist
posturing is simply off-putting. I can’t see this troubling the scoreboard.
Lucas from Austria's Trackshittaz - oh la la!
Trackshittaz – Woki mit dem Popo
Summer hit written all over this one! These guys are
fun, and Lucas has a quirky look that would appeal to many female and some male
viewers. I quite like this song based on its presentation in the video clip,
though this has yet to be translated well into live performances. The naughty
name and lyrics, plus the usual bevy of hip hop babes, will get the teenage
boys on side.
17. MOLDOVA
Pasha Parfeny – Lăutar
Yet another fakelore number from Moldova. If I didn’t
know better, Turkish pop singer Rafet El Roman had a song like this 10 years
ago. I think it sounds too ragtime-ish to appeal to the usual crowd, so I
wouldn’t be surprised if this doesn’t qualify for the final.
18. IRELAND
Jedward – Waterline
Ireland obviously doesn’t have any other performers
left. Jedward, the Grimes twins, are like the Energiser Bunny – they keep going
on and on and on. They certainly know how to perform and work the crowd, though
they are truly annoying. Louis Walsh, their manager, hit gold by getting them
into Eurovision last year. The twins have now built up a wider, pan-European
fan base who made their presence felt at the Eurovision in Concert in Amsterdam
(so much so that they all left the venue as soon as Jedward left the stage –
rude!). This song will again be helped by the back-up singers, but hey, this is
not a ‘Voice’ audition as we get to see their whole visual presentation.
Sailing into the final.
I won't make any final predictions yet as to who will qualify. I find that my opinions about songs can changed immensely after seeing the live performances, though I would love Russia and Israel to make it through and Greece and Cyprus to fall flat on their faces. Happy Eurovision!
I doubt you've seen Ireland's Jedward from this angle before
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