Well, what a somewhat dull but quick semi final on Tuesday. It felt longer than the 2 hours it was, even though it was the quickest Eurovision semi-final on record. Production-wise, the show was rather wooden and amateuristic. Obviously the huge budget for this year’s production is either being saved for the finale, or too much was ploughed into that flashy Crystal Hall. Interesting use of the outside lights, but what a waste! In any case, this showed that despite all efforts to display Azerbaijan as some modern country that it isn’t, I’ve seen Pop Idol-type shows with better staging and tighter budgets. I’m also quite disappointed with last night’s results. While watching the show, I picked the 10 I thought would qualify. Much to my shock, I only predicted 5! I still can’t understand how the televoters and juries found the horrible songs and performances by Greece, Albania and Cyprus to be of a better standard than such non-qualifiers as Israel, Switzerland and Austria. Every year passes and the more I see why this contest is derided for its (lack of) music taste, thanks mainly by which songs do qualify (often dire) and which don’t (usually of better standard). I also have to say that the Russian babushki, who are absolute gems, seemed a little under par with their new choreography, but hey, they’re through. The only country that I reassessed from negative to positive following the performance was Moldova, with Pasha singing as perfectly as the consistency of his fake tan. Mind you, I was well into my second bottle of red by that time, so that could have clouded my judgment.
Anyway, on to the (tougher) second semi-final
My, what a big pole you have there, Azerbaijan!
2nd SEMI FINAL – THURSDAY 24 MAY 2012
1. SERBIA
Željko
Joksimović – Nije ljubav stvar
Željko (Mr
Eurovision) Joksimović is back with the same old song. Ugh! When RTS announced
that Željko Joksimović had been chosen
(again) to represent Serbia at the Eurovision, I hoped to dear mercy that he
actually goes with something that is more like the music he produces for the
ex-Yugo market – western-style ballads or (if we go back to the early
noughties) turbofolk. Alas, Željko has dished up this reheated version of Lane
moje or ... whatever that song that he wrote for Hari Varešanovic in 2006.
What has been saddest is the media coverage Željko has been receiving in
Serbia. A rather patronising, cheap and unoriginal video clip featuring a young
man signing the song was filmed for this song that, according to the Serbian
gutter press ‘has brought Europe to tears’. That is despite most of Europe not
having watched the video or even knowing it exists! The latest reports in the
Serbian media have Željko
as the ‘absolute favourite’ to win this year’s event. I can tell you – it
isn’t. But pour cold water over this hypernationalist blindness and you do so
at your own peril. Swedish TV presenter of Serbian origin, Jovan Radomir (he
has presented the Swedish votes at previous Eurovisions) in an interview was
brutally honest by saying that no one outside of the Balkans is listening to
this year’s Serbian entry. Radomir since then has been labelled a traitor and
‘Serb-hater’ (even though he is Serb) for saying such (truthful) comments.
I really can’t stand this song. Lane moje was
100 times better than this. It seems that Željko Joksimović just whipped up
this song in 5 minutes. Anyway, he can already rely on his superstar status to
sweep the Balkan vote, which is pretty heavy in this final. Juries, though, is
a harder task. This one is sailing into the final, but it doesn’t deserve to.
2. MACEDONIA
Kaliopi – Crno i belo
Well, I’m biased now about this song, and this all changed
when I actually met Kaliopi on a flight from Macedonia last month. My opinion
about Kaliopi and her song before and after this chance meeting has been very
much ‘crno i belo’ (black and white). Beforehand, I was not much of a fan of
Kaliopi. She has always been far too overdramatic for my liking, and had a very
odd look to her that never suited her and made her look much, much older. The
first time I heard this song, I felt that it was too outdated and not suited
for Eurovision. However, after having met Kaliopi, I was impressed at what a
genuine and friendly person she is (she seemed like a snob beforehand). And for
a 45 year old, she has the most amazing skin! She looks 20 years younger now.
The song has grown on me (as most Macedonian entries do), however that is a
luxury that most televoters and juries don’t experience. Going by my first
impression, this song is not direct enough to appeal to first-time viewers, nor
is the complexity and genius of the song fully apparent on first go. Along with
the poor draw for this song early in the night, I am erring for this song not
to qualify. However, there are 4 other ex-Yugo countries in this final, plus
Bulgaria and Turkey. Kaliopi is a well-known and respected musician through the
Yugosphere who should scoop up many televotes, plus is well respected among
music experts in ex-Yugoslavia as a serious music artist (more so than the
other ex-Yugo performers in this semi-final, including Mr Joksimović), so I
expect her to scoop the ex-Yugo juries. Hopefully she can appeal to a wider
audience and deservedly book her spot in Saturday’s final. Go Kaliopi!!!
3. NETHERLANDS
Nice song. Nice performer, but bloody get rid of that
Amerindian head dress. Less feathers would mean a ticket to the final.
4. MALTA
Kurt Calleja – This is the Night
More fanwank. Outdated song sung by a singer who is
not as good looking as he’s made out to be (many fanboys think he’s gorgeous –
again, clouding their taste). His styling and appearance at Amsterdam screamed
‘mummy boy’, with his white work shirt, which looked like it was bought from a
cheap department store, to the unflattering position of his low-rise jeans that
emphasised his unappealing skinnyfat. OK, I’m being mean here, as I’m sure he’s
a lovely person. However, to win at Eurovision, you need to have a (somewhat)
up-to-date song with sorta good styling. Kurt does not have this. The only gain
from this song will be that all those ‘Malta Out of Eurovision’ facebook groups
will be gaining their first new members in 11 months when this turkey of a tune
fails to make the final.
Malta's Kurt Calleja. Alleged sex symbol.
5. BELARUS
Litesound – We Are The Heroes
Again, another song that I have forgotten – not a good
sign. Just because they are from Belarus (I have nothing against Belarus but
Western and Central Europe has issue with them), I doubt they’ll make it to the
finale.
6. PORTUGAL
Filipa Sousa – Vida minha
I really like this song. Portugal is sticking to what
knows best – Fado. Pity that they haven’t had a good record at this
competition. Filipa is a wonderful, natural performer. Now this song has been
panned by Eurovision experts as not having universal appeal. However, I would
disagree, thanks to its composer, the Croatian Andrej Babić. Filipa should do
well with ex-Yugo audiences (of which there are 5 in this semi-final) on two
accounts: fado is popular in ex-Yugoslavia (fado superstar Mariza has had many
successful and high-profile concerts in the Balkans), and most of all, the
music for this song is actually using an intonation reminiscent of Yugoslav
folk music! Honestly, the music for ‘Vida minha’ sounds like something that
Babić probably first pitched to a Croatian pop star (like Jelena Rozga or Magazin).
So don’t be surprised to see this in the final on this Balkan crest.
7. UKRAINE
Gaytana – Be My Guest
When I saw the list of the 21 or finalists for the
Ukrainian selection, the only name I recognised was Gaytana, who is a very
popular star not only in Ukraine but all throughout ex-USSR (a big plus in this
contest). Gaytana is unique in the Sovietsphere pop scene by being half-Ukrainian
half-African. My first encounter with Gaytana was with her Ukrainian language
album she released about 6 years ago – awful stuff! It was obvious that despite
her Ukrainian background, Ukrainian was not her main tongue. However, her last
album, which had songs mostly in Russian, she was fantastic! She doesn’t fail
with this number – you’re getting the real Gaytana here! Essentially she’s the
Sovietsphere’s answer to Kelly Rowland, though with much better dance moves.
She will guarantee to fire up the stage. Be sure to get up and boogie to this
number.
8. BULGARIA
Sofi Marinova – Love Unlimited
First off, let me say that Sofi Marinova has been one
of most favourite singers in the world for the past 12 years! So I am biased.
This song is my upmost, number 1 favourite this year. Sofi has been desperate
to get into Eurovision ever since Bulgaria first entered in 2005. Due to a significant
dose of anti-Roma racism (Bulgarians feel ashamed that a Roma is representing
their country), she missed out twice. This year, to much surprise, Sofi finally
made it. Marinova has the most amazing voice. I have met her twice, once as an
interpreter for an interview with a British music journalist. She is one of the
most genuine stars you could ever meet. Sofi has been a big star in Bulgaria
since the late 90s, singing in various pop-folk styles but also very capable as
a jazz, pop, traditional folk and rock singer. She truly is the female Balkan Roma
superstar who is immensely respected by musicians throughout the Balkans.
Unfortunately, anti-Roma sentiment does stop Sofi from being a bigger star
(much like the ceiling Afro-American artists faced). Then there is Sofi’s
rather scandalous, soap-opera style love life. She was romantically linked to
the band leader of her supporting group, who is 20 years her senior. She had a
child with him – Lorenzo, named after US soap star Lorenzo Lamas. However, Sofi
then started seeing the eldest son of the father of her child! That
relationship is over now and is desperately looking for love, if you are to
believe the Bulgarian tabloids.
Moving along, this song is pure Romanian/Balkan disco
that is extremely popular throughout the world (except English-speaking
countries). Think Inna or Alexandra Stan but with a better voice. So this should
do well. Good choice that Sofi has left it in Bulgarian (she has recorded songs
in other Balkan languages, though not to much success). The only problem with
this entry is that Sofi will be by herself on stage, which is odd for a dance
number, as it is screaming for dancers. The other aspect is that anti-Roma
discrimination could cost her some votes. So as much as I would love Europe to
fall in love with Sofi and her amazing voice this coming Saturday, the chances
of that happening are quite slim. Please prove me wrong!!
Bulgaria's Sofi Marinova belts it out
9. SLOVENIA
Eva Boto – Verjamem
Lovely girl with a nice song. The Eurovision fanboys
rate this song highly. However, they completely have no idea of the
geopolitical and cultural dynamics involved here. For Slovenia to stand a
chance in making the final, the song must appeal to ex-Yugoslavia, of which
there are 4 other participants in this final. Eva will be singing in Slovenian,
which outsiders assume would make her song understandable to other ex-Yugo
audiences. Well, Slovenian is quite incomprehensible to the rest of
ex-Yugoslavia, so that’s a zero. As well, in trying to capture the ex-Yugo
vote, she will be up against big names such as Željko Joksimović, Croatia’s
Nina Badrić and Macedonia’s Kaliopi, so poor Boto will not stand much chance on
the televote. Based on this alone, I really can’t see this song making it into
the final. Sorry guys.
10. Croatia
Nina Badrić – Nebo
Croatian superstar Nina Badrić has finally made it
into Eurovision. Again, I have been let down by this song. From her latest
album, this is just plain boring. I was expecting her to appear with the RnB
style songs she is most commonly associated with (‘Takve kao ti’ from
2004 is a great example). Alas no. Her superstar status in this Yugo-heavy
final should score her some extra points, but I can’t see this song appealing
beyond the Balkans.
11. SWEDEN
Loreen – Euphoria
Don’t believe the Serbian press – this is the absolute
favourite. 90s euphoric dance mixed with LKate Bush/Wuthering Heights dance
moves (i.e. most viewers under 30 would think that Loreen is ‘original’). It has the making of a great hit as it’s
familiar. I see this sailing into the final, and probably making top 5, but not
winning the event. I’ll probably regret those words.
12. GEORGIA
Anri Jokhadze – I’m a Joker
No, you’re not. I don’t find this funny, but since
Georgia has always qualified (deservingly in 2007 with Sopho’s amazing song,
not so deservingly ever since), this one will confound all the critics and make
it through too.
Aren't we all laughing? He's a joker. That's a joke that I have made there, you see?
Can Bonomo – Love Me Back
I’m a big fan of Turkish music, but I was surprised to
hear when TRT announced that new starlet and virtual unknown Can Bonomo was
going to represent Turkey. Considering Bonomo is Jewish, I saw his selection as
a cynical ploy by the Turkish government (through its broadcaster) to show that
Turkey is not anti-Semitic (Turkey and Israel still are behaving like former
best-friend-turn-enemy teenagers). The song is very much in Turkish Jewish
style (brass band elements, in particular) and is catchy. Now this too has been
panned by many Eurovision bloggers, though again, they have yet to account current
geopolitical and cultural elements into play. Despite Bonomo’s rather
self-indulgent goth dancing having the potential to put off audiences, Turkey
stands a strong chance of making the final solely for being Turkish. This time
it won’t be because of the power of the widespread Turkish diaspora in Western
Europe. Turkey, and especially Turkish pop culture, is flavour of the month in
Balkan countries and beyond. Considering there are 5 ex-Yugo countries and
Bulgaria in this final, plus the use of Balkan music elements, expect this song
to do well solely on this account.
14. ESTONIA
Ott Lepland – Kuula
A ballad in Estonian. A language similar to Finnish.
Hasn’t Finnish done so well at Eurovision... well... erm. I can’t see this
doing well, even though the fanboys rate it highly. Ott, it’s back to Tallinn
for you.
15. SLOVAKIA
Max Jason Mai – Don’t Close Your Eyes
80s heavy metal and hard rock of the likes of
Whitesnake and Motley Crue never died in Central and Eastern Europe. If this
was not Eurovision, this would do well with those audiences east of Vienna,
however this crowd doesn’t usually watch Eurovision. Also considering that
Slovakia doesn’t have many friends here either, I’m afraid to say that this
will be yet another fail for Slovakia.
16. NORWAY
Tooji – Stay
A cheap clone of Sweden’s Eric Saade and his exploding
box last year. Saade’s song was much better, which is saying much, but he did
get third last year. This appeals to Eurovision’s core fan base, and the
Oriental music elements have some cred on account that Tooji was born in Iran.
I find this song to be too cheap and unoriginal, but that means it should be a
shoe-in for the final then.
17. BOSNIA AND HERZEGOVINA
Maya Šar – Korake ti znam
A complete unknown in the Balkans competing against
four Balkan superstars in a Balkan-heavy final. BH have in the past been able
to get into the final thanks to its huge diaspora, but this time I can’t see
Maya making much trouble. Bosnia’s perfect qualification record may come to an
end here.
18. LITHUANIA
Donny Montell – Love Is Blind
Somehow, and this is a stab in the dark here, I don’t
think Mr Montell was born with this name. Now, you can imagine the artistic
directors at Lithuanian TV conjured up at their “ideas” workshop when they were
posed the question “what can we do for the presentation of this song”. Someone
obviously felt quite chuffed for coming up with the rather literal idea of
putting a blindfold on Donny for the first half of the song as ‘love is blind’.
Gettit? Wow guys, now that’s soooo original... um. Donny has a one-hand
cartwheel built into this song too, so with these two crass tricks, and being
the last for the night (so the alcohol would have truly kicked in), this too (undeservingly)
will have a ticket for Saturday night. Oh, by the way, it’s a crap song – two outdated
tunes glued (probably with Clag) together into one.
Lithuania's Donny Montell taking things a little too literally
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