Eurovision 2012 in Baku... Is Gay Azerbaijan finally coming out?

Isn't Cher Armenian? What's she doing in Baku?

It has just been over a week now since Azerbaijan won at this year's Eurovision Song Contest in Düsseldorf, however so much has happened in that time in all aspects and ramifications of hosting next year's event in Baku. As I have explained previously, there are many questions to be answered regarding Azerbaijan hosting the event, ranging from timing logistics, Internet freedom and human rights to a possible politicisation of the event. Also, there are worrying trends that with Azerbaijan's first lady heading the Eurovision 2012 organising committee, despite having a very busy schedule, that the old hand of corruption could be played, especially as there have been calls for a new concert venue to be built.

What has been of greatest concern is the lack of rights, or of any visibility, of the LGBT community in Azerbaijan. Some Western media, as reported in the Guardian have even called for a boycott of next year's Eurovision in Baku in protest. This would be a serious blow to the contest (due to its huge gay fanbase) and would portray Azerbaijan in a very negative light. However, in the past week, two news items have had much coverage in Azeri media outlets that may go to change this image.

First of all, the official www.news.az website released pictures of a 'travesty show' staged in Baku by Russia's answer to Danny La Rue - Aladora Beranzhe. You can check them out here, with Miss Beranzhe performing imitations of gay icons such as Cher and Russia's larger-than-life megastar, Alla Pugachova. The Azeri crowd, though, in the pictures appear to be very respectable, educated, Russian-speaking and straight.

The respectable Baku crowd applaud La Pugachova, oops La Beranzhe.

The second breakthrough came yesterday when Azeri news sources boldly announced that Azerbaijan's first gay website has been launched www.gay.az. As the news.az website reports, this is the first domain of its kind in the Caucasus. Interestingly, the site is in Russian, not in Azeri (a bit about that later) and has been set up by Ruslan Balukhin. Well done!

These developments are quite amazing and fast, considering that it was only less than a week ago that there were public calls for a gay boycott. Could it be that this has emboldened Azerbaijan's LGBT community into assertive action? If so, the Eurovision Song Contest may have a very positive effect on the visibility and acceptance of the LGBT community in Azerbaijan.

However, I still think we should be cautious here. Some might find the timing of this new gay website a little suspicious. More surprising is that Azeri government media outlets have rather publicly announced this - something unlikely to have happened had there been no focus on Azerbaijan's LGBT rights situation, as is the case now. Seen in a cynical way, news of this site and of the pictures of Aladora's show in Baku could be the Azeri government's way of trying to build a picture that Azerbaijan is accommodating of LGBT people and that calls for a gay boycott of Eurovision are groundless. If this is not the case, then Azerbaijan has at least made a bold start, but it has a very, very long way to go before it is seen in a fraction of the same light as gay-friendly countries. We must remember that like many other countries, Azerbaijan has a traditional and socially conservative side, so we shouldn't expect that LGBT rights will advance so fast that come May 2012 there will have been a complete change in Azerbaijani attitudes. It took decades before that happened in many Western European countries, and even in these countries homophobia still exists.

Istanbul Pride - Turkey can do it, so can Azerbaijan

Problems lie in the nature of these two news articles. The language used in both articles show that Azerbaijan is not at the same level on LGBT awareness as cultural brothers Turkey. I mean, who uses the antiquated term 'travesty show' these days? That's a term that fell out of common use in English-speaking countries in the 1950s. And much can be interpreted about local attitudes to homosexuality when the article described the gay.az website as a project set up by 'people of non-traditional sexual orientation'. I suspect this is more to do with an unwise vocabulary choice in translation, however as it stands, by labeling homosexuality as 'non-traditional' implies that it is new, introduced from outside and not something natural. Not good!

As I already mentioned, what is also interesting about the gay.az website is that it is in Russian and not Azerbaijani. This is somewhat understandable when looking at a broader cultural aspect. Azerbaijan, having been under Russian rule for the most part of the past 200 years, and like most other non-Russian, former Soviet republics, has a very Russified elite. During Soviet times, all throughout the USSR the key to career success was having perfect knowledge of Russian. Despite the varying efforts by the Soviet authorities to encourage local languages, speaking Russian was seen as a sign of culture and education, and this attitude has somewhat remained to this day in many former Soviet republics. Meanwhile, despite the efforts by the newly-independent governments to promote the local national language, the old Soviet-era popular attitude that only poor and uneducated peasants spoke that language also persists to a degree. Even though it is a joint official language in Kazakhstan, Kyrgyzstan and Belarus only, the Soviet-era official notion of Russian as 'the language of inter-ethnic communication' still remains in practice in other ex-Soviet republics. The onslaught and ongoing popularity of slick Russian pop and media culture all throughout the ex-USSR (the Sovietsphere) also ensures that the Russian language is maintained by the general population and even picked up by children who weren't even born when the USSR collapsed. This scenario of Russian as the language of the educated, cultured elite and of inter-ethnic and external communication, while the local language is that of a lower class is reminiscent of the role English has in India and Pakistan or French in Morocco, Algeria and Tunisia. So with this in mind, the fact that the gay.az website is in Russian would indicate that they are targeting educated, urban-dwelling LGBT Azerbaijanis. This could be a disadvantage for a young gay Azeri person living in a very traditional rural area where Russian is not so prevalent. It is these rural Azeri gay people who most desperately need the communication. I hope that this is something that will soon be rectified by the gay.az coordinators as they develop their site. One particular bonus, though, is that by using Russian will facilitate communication by Azeri LGBT people with LGBT communities in other ex-Soviet, Russian-speaking countries, with which they share many modern cultural bonds... and restraints. A gay person in Baku will be better understood communicating in Russian to a gay person in Moscow, Kiev or Tashkent or even a Russian-speaker in the West than with anyone else.

Belgrade Pride last year. Will it be Baku Pride next year?

While there are some suspicions regarding the Azerbaijani authorities' rationale and intentions for breaking previous practice and making light of these developments, it does appear that the LGBT community in Azerbaijan is seeing the opportunity that lies ahead of them to make a difference to their lives, their society and country. I also hope that the Azeri authorities are sincere in their moves to grant greater freedom and access to LGBT Azerbaijanis and that this is not the cynical attempt to mislead and portray their country for something it isn't, all for the interests of national image or to avert negative press. We have seen similar bold moves made by some governments before, especially Eastern European countries in the pre-EU accession process when they were under extreme scrutiny for their treatment of human rights, and in particular LGBT rights. Many of these countries did what they thought would please the EU before accession and passed appropriate anti-discrimination legislation and/or allowed gay pride parades. However, once they were in the elite European club and the focus was off them, not only did some countries not put all aspects of anti-discrimination legislation into practice, many went back to their old homophobic ways and even banned gay pride parades (Latvia and Poland... I mean you). I sincerely hope that these first steps in Azerbaijan will lead to long-term fruition. LGBT rights are not just for 'Gay Christmas' i.e. Eurovision, they're for life.

Desperate Central Asian Housewives - Episode 3 - Mehriban is the big Eurovision 2012 supremista

Mehriban Aliyeva (smiling, right) - airing ideas with friend about going low profile next year

being the beautiful female Eurovision hostess with her hubby, the prez, being the ugly male Eurovision host with the crooked teeth

Well I never! Isn't it funny how things diverge like they do. Last episode, Azerbaijan's first lady and glamour queen, the ever-smiling Mehriban Aliyeva was accused of having it off with Belarusian comb-over specialist, President Aleksandr Lukashenko. Since then, the Italian paper that made the accusation published a grovelling apology to the Aliyevs and Azerbaijan. That's a big 'phew' because Azerbaijan was threatening to pull the plug on Italy from future lucrative (but stalled) gas pipeline plans such as Nabucco. Imagine how much gas companies and the transit fees the Italian government would have lost had Italy been excluded. Well, that's settled then. Moving on...

Aliyevy Azerbaijan has since been thrown into the limelight ever since winning the Eurovision Song Contest last week. The country's leaders are in a tizz and already organisation of next year's extravaganza is in full swing. Just now, the list of members for the organising committee have been announced, and low and behold, how nice and what a surprise (well, not really) that our ever-smiling desperate Central Asian housewife, Mehriban Aliyeva, will be chairing the committee. How does she juggle all the work she does - heading the 'Heydar Aliyev Foundation', being a UNESCO goodwill ambassador, appearing in video clips about 'peace', caring a lot, being a member of parliament, photo shoots with her sisters, oops, I mean her daughters for Russian Vogue, and all that shopping for the fancy frocks she wears. Amazing, really, and all with the same expression on her face.

La Aliyeva (left) always displays unbridled joy when meeting foreign guests

A big question is being asked as to where the Eurovision song jamboree will be held as the largest venue at present in Baku holds about 7500 people. Considering the Esprit Arena in Düsseldorf held about 36,000, Azerbaijan will need something bigger than what they have. Already the Azeri authorities have indicated that they will build a new venue in time for the fanboys to cheer on the 3-minute songs. Now that La Aliyeva is head of the committee, who do you think they'll get to build such a place? Well, perhaps a company with plenty of experience in this area - Pasha Construction. This company has been responsible for the construction of many wanky, ego-stroking projects in and around Baku, such as shopping malls, business centres, 5-star hotels, luxury apartments and even a beach resort for the Marriott group. You know, these are the types of places an overwhelming majority of Azeris have no hope in hell in enjoying. Check out their website for more details and some lovely pics of these architectural delights (or blights). Now, isn't it a coincidence that Pasha Construction, part of the Pasha Holding Group, is controlled by the Pashayev family i.e. Mehriban Aliyeva née Pashayeva's family... Of course, La Aliyeva née Pashayeva is only doing this because she selflessly cares. Nothing official has been announced yet, but don't be surprised... just wear the same expression La Aliyeva wears.

However, the US State Department, in a cable published by WikiLeaks, would have other ideas as to the true objectives of La Aliyeva and her family, judging by this cable. Check out the details about the Pashayev's plan of spending huge money on museums in an effort to attract a Guggenheim to Baku (hey, it worked for Abu Dhabi - hardly the pin-up for freedom and democracy), and of Baku's new Museum of Modern Art featuring Mehriban's private collection. The museum was designed by Altay Sadikhzade, a local artist/designer married to Nargiz Pashayeva - Mehriban's sister. No expense was spared in the construction of the museum, which highlights Soviet-era Azerbaijani artists, including Altay (whose portraits of Mehriban, Nargiz and Arif Pashayev - daddy to Mehriban and Nargiz and head of Azerbaijan's National Aviation Academy, are at the centre of the galleries). Must add too that Mehriban's uncle Hafiz was Azeri ambassador to the US for 13 years and is now the deputy foreign minister. So the Pashayevs are pretty high up... much like the case in other places where the desperate dictator housewives rule (or used to rule... hey Leila Ben Ali and Suzanne Mubarak).

It might be a stab in the dark here but it won't be Azerbaijan and its hard-working and proud people but the ruling Pashayev and Aliyev families who will be benefiting most from Eurovision next year. Am I wrong?

Eurovision 2012 in Baku, Azerbaijan... what could go wrong?

Azerbaijan's first lady, Mehriban, prez Ilham and the family (behind) have gone all Eurovision with the sequins to welcome you to THEIR country

As you are most likely very well aware by now, Azerbaijan is the winner of this year's Eurovision Song Contest held last Saturday night. Of course, one of the 'prizes' is getting to host the competition the following year, which for a country desperate for (good) publicity such as Azerbaijan is the perfect event to be the centre of attention in Europe and worldwide with a huge TV audience of 125 million. Hosts in the past have successfully showcased their country as a tourist destination and a place of culture. This 3-hour ad has been the driving force for countries like Azerbaijan to invest heavily in their Eurovision entries in recent years, and for the authorities in Baku, they finally got their return. But are they really aware of what they are about to face?

Only a matter of hours after Azerbaijan won the contest, I was interviewed by the BBC World Service to discuss what implications Baku hosting the Eurovision will have. Unfortunately, due to nature of the questions posed to me and time constraints, I did not end up getting a chance to tackle the meatier and more divisive issues that I will go into detail later in this post. Actually, I was shocked that the world news journalist who interviewed asked me the rather naive, highly uninformed and somewhat colonialist question of whether Azerbaijan can actually afford to the host the event? I mean... honestly! Scarily enough, this question is not an isolated case. Many people in the West have a rather stereotypical view of any country past Vienna being some sort of cesspool of poverty that only survive because us Westerners give them money. OK, so some countries would find it hard to afford to host the Eurovision (as was almost case with Estonia in 2001, Latvia in 2002 and Ukraine 2005), however Azerbaijan is not one of them. And it's not automatic that the poorer nations would have difficulty paying to host the contest anyway - Serbia did a fine job in 2008 and not once did it plead to the EBU for cash. Azerbaijan's case, though, is that like Russia - it is flushed with oil money. Azerbaijan is a large oil producer and is also an important (i.e. the only non-Russian and non-Iranian) transit link for plentiful oil and gas supplies from Central Asia. The country is rich, but as is often the case in many resource-rich nations, this does not necessarily mean that this wealth trickles down to the masses. Most Azerbaijanis live at or below the poverty line and can only dream of experiencing the glitz and glamour that the now ruling (former Communist Party member-careerist) elite live.

Is the Azerbaijani capital ready for a gay old time?

Money is no problem for Azerbaijan hosting Eurovision. So what could go wrong then? Well, Azerbaijan really has no idea about Eurovision Song Contests and its core fan base. The Eurovision Song Contest in most Eastern European countries is considerably mainstream and has none of the associations it has in many Western European countries. In particular, most Eastern Europeans are completely unaware how much the contest has a huge and loyal gay fan base. So can you imagine the surprise Azerbaijan will face when they realise that the overwhelming number of Eurovision fans who will be turning up to Baku for the 2 weeks of Eurovision preparations, rehearsals and shows are not a whole bunch of men who have left their wives behind but gay men with their partners? They really don't know. Azerbaijan, like many Eastern European countries, is rather traditional and parochial, with a strong macho culture that has been fuelled by recent military conflict, officially-sanctioned nationalist tension and a re-emergence of traditional Islamic religious practice. Needless to say, Azerbaijan is not the place to be if you are proud and gay. This is a place where hotels will change bookings for gay couples for a room with one king-sized bed to two singles. The issue of gay rights, especially considering the Eurovision's large gay following, has been in the forefront at Eurovisions ever since Moscow held the event in 2009. Nikolai Alekseev, Russia's most prominent gay activist, with the help of counterparts from Western Europe, organised a gay pride parade to coincide with the Eurovision in Moscow. Unfortunately, the parade was violently dispersed, resulting in the arrest of its participants and rather unwelcoming images of Russia being shown around the world. Now, will the same happen in Azerbaijan next year?

Of course, this all depends on whether the fans can actually make it to Azerbaijan. As a majority of the foreigners who travel to Azerbaijan are usually involved with the oil industry, the few flights to Baku are extremely expensive. This is no different for other oil boom cities around the world (such as Astana in Kazakhstan, Luanda in Angola or Lagos in Nigeria). Likewise, the hotel and foreign expat infrastructure in Baku caters mainly for the oil industry, which means plenty of overpriced 5-star hotels, very little in the way of cheap accommodation, and expensive restaurants and bars (like 'Irish Pubs'). The foreigners Baku's taxi drivers and hospitality staff are used to are cashed-up oil workers on company expense accounts who don't care about being charged many times more than the local rate, and not Eurovision fanboys on meager wages (but try convincing them that when the Azeris still are paid far less). Essentially, the fans will be facing the same financial scenario as with Moscow 2009.

What will the Azeri grannies have to say about the fanboys?

OK, so what if the Eurovision fanboys have saved the money and made it to Baku and are not going to make a big thing about the gay issue. What else could they face? Well, Azerbaijan's political situation could get in the way. Like many ex-Soviet republics, Azerbaijan is still going through a period of democratisation, which means that the authorities are still not confident enough yet to be able to ignore the people who advocate change (as is the case in the West). Following independence from the USSR in 1991, Azerbaijan was ruled by former KGB boss Heydar Aliyev, who from his base in the exclave of Naxçivan was able to consolidate power by keeping much of the existing Soviet-era structure intact. He placed close family members in positions of power, with his son Ilham heading SOCAR, the powerful, government-owned oil company central to the country's economy. A cult of personality, which basically filled the void left after Lenin was dropped at independence, grew around the 'benevolent father of the nation'. The Eurovision fans will arrive at Baku's 'Heydar Aliyev Airport', for instance. It is no coincidence that at the press conference following their Eurovision win, Eldar and Nigar first of all thanked their benevolent president and head of the 'Heydar Aliyev Fund' - the president's wife, for their win! (Can you imagine if they didn't!?) So when Heydar died in 2003, his son llham unsurprisingly took over the presidency in elections that were deemed to be 'not fair' by foreign observers. The Aliyevs have been subject to various gossipy US cables published by Wikileaks. To get a taste of the level of gangsterism and corruption ruling Azerbaijan, have a read of this link about the scandalous dealings of some of Azerbaijan's well-connected families. Even more scandalous has been the behaviour and consequent US State Department gossip about Azerbaijan's first lady, the ever-smiling Mehriban Aliyeva. There's talk of her plastic surgery, her 'charity' work and provocative fashions - check it out here! She was also rumoured of having an affair with Belarusan president Lukashenko! Perhaps she can sing 'I Love Belarus'.

President Aliyev: We're gonna put the wind machine here

The Aliyevs have held a tight reign over Azerbaijan, with the small but fragmented opposition facing arrests and bureaucratic hassles. With the tacit support of the West, the Aliyevs have been able to get away without getting major negative press in the West. So long as the oil rushes through, everyone's happy. However, the Azeri authorities have been uneasy viewing the swift outcomes from recent popular revolutions against similarly-ruled autocracies such as their former close friend Egypt (Mehriban Aliyeva and Egypt's first lady Suzanne Mubarak even appeared in a naff video clip in a pop song about peace - check it out here, if you're brave). The similarities between Egypt and Azerbaijan have alerted the Aliyevs into action to prevent the same fate that has become of the Mubaraks. This means that bloggers have been arrested, tried and sentenced to jail sentences, and access to blog portals severely restricted. The social network tools that helped mobilised protesters in Tunisia and Egypt - Facebook and Twitter - have also been restricted in Azerbaijan, and there are also threats of Skype being curtailed too. This leaves to question - how will the media, especially the huge number of Eurovision bloggers who constantly update with details of rehearsals during the contest's two weeks of preparations be able to do their work? How will the Azeri authorities balance allowing the foreigners to have unrestricted access to essential Internet tools like Twitter or Blogger, while still keeping the lid on the local access? Any restriction placed on the media will be quickly reported to the rest of Europe, painting the negative picture of Azerbaijan that the authorities desperately want to avoid and had not wanted by hosting the event. The huge influx of journalists will also be a great opportunity for opposition politicians and activists to gain some much needed publicity. It will be interesting how the Azeri authorities will deal with this.

In jail - for blogging in Azerbaijan

There is another aspect that will come to the forefront - the ongoing and blood-thirsty animosity between Azerbaijan and its eastern neighbour Armenia over the region of Nagornyy Karabakh. The two countries went to war with each other in 1988 when they were still constituent Soviet republics over the then 'autonomous oblast', an Armenian-majority populated region wholly within Azerbaijan. Karabakh's Armenian population, with support from Armenia, wanted to separate from Azerbaijan and join Armenia. Azerbaijan did not want to see this happen as the region had a significant Azeri population and would have meant losing territory. However, the underlying tensions stems from the time when Armenians claim that the Ottoman Turks waged genocide on them during World War I. Of course, the Armenian interpretation of who is a Turk is quite broad, so they see the Turkic-speaking, Shiite Muslim, Persian-influenced Azeris (who were never part of the Ottoman Empire) no different from the Sunni Muslim Turks of the modern Republic of Turkey. This is despite the fact that a 'Turk' in the Ottoman Empire was anyone who was Muslim, regardless whether they spoke Turkish or not, and that the Republic of Turkey is not (politically) the successor state of the Ottoman Empire. The Armenian fear that another 'genocide' will occur (they point to Armenian pogroms in the Azerbaijani city of Sumqayit in 1988 as proof) has given themselves the justification to not only declare independence for Karabakh as a separate Armenian state (recognised by no-one except other unrecognised statelets within the ex-USSR) but also to occupy a large swathe of Azerbaijani territory between Armenia and Karabakh. By the time a fragile ceasefire was negotiated in 1992, 1 million Azeris had been ethnically cleansed from those parts of Azerbaijan occupied by Armenian forces.

Despite the ceasefire and the ongoing status-quo, there is no love lost between Azerbaijan and Armenia. In fact, the level of animosity and hatred between the two neighbours is to such an extent that there is still sporadic gunfire on the front line resulting in a constant number of casualties each year. Like in most conflicts, there is still a lot of bravado and macho chest-beating officially encouraged by the authorities in both countries with constant nationalistic calls to recapture lost lands and avenge for lost honour and pride. On a human level, the welfare of Azerbaijan's 1 million internally displaced persons is of great concern. After almost 20 years of being forced from their homes, many still are housed in primitive conditions with little access to social services, basic amenities or having much chance of enjoying the country's new-found oil wealth. Hopefully their plight will grab some attention come time for next year's Eurovision. However, I feel that they will only be used in much the same way they have been by the Azerbaijani authorities in using their suffering in prolonging the hatred towards the Armenians for causing this human catastrophe. This nationalist hatred is used by both sides to control their peoples and as a smokescreen to the true (and much shared) ills of Azerbaijani and Armenian modern society (corruption, croneyism, lack of opportunities etc.)

Of course, with this in mind, Armenia is livid that their nemesis Azerbaijan has won the Eurovision. Armenia too has been wanting desperately to win the competition, much for the same reasons as Azerbaijan - to draw attention to their side of the conflict and to piss off their perceived enemies. Well, Azerbaijan now will draw attention to their side of the conflict and piss off their perceived enemies. I expect that much will be said of 'Armenian aggression' and of Karabakh at the Eurovision, especially in the postcards. Watch out for them! You won't miss them.

Armenian soldier on the Karabakh frontline

With this level of hate, it's more than likely that Armenia will withdraw from next year's contest. The only way I can see Armenia being motivated on going to Baku would be with the firm belief that they are going to win it, because nothing else would be sweeter for them to see the Armenians winning on Azeri turf in front of an Azeri crowd. There's nothing like spite. We'll wait and see what happens.

There is also one other aspect that will factor when it comes to staging the contest next year - Azerbaijan's time zone. Eurovision rules state that the semi-finals and final have to start at 21:00 Central European Time. Azerbaijan is three hours ahead, which means that the concerts will be starting at midnight local time! Considering the final goes on for over three hours, people won't be getting out of the venue until around 4am! Imagine having to travel at that time. The taxi drivers will be rubbing their hands.

Despite all of the negative aspects of Azerbaijan hosting Eurovision, and the moral question about supporting a regime that restricts gay rights and the freedom of speech and expression, I believe that this is the type of event that Azerbaijan needs. While the Azeri authorities will be wanting to present to Europe its image of itself, the fact that a large number of foreigners, especially gay people, converging on Baku and getting a chance to meet Azeris and discovering this fascinating country will do wonders. Azeris and people from the rest of Europe making contacts will only strengthen understanding between peoples, break down stereotypes and open people to different points of view. Furthermore, Azerbaijan has so much to show the world. It is not the cultural backwater that Cold War and colonial perceptions would lead us to believe. For instance, Baku was the 5th largest city in the USSR, extremely cosmopolitan, and most of all, was the Soviet Union's foremost centre for jazz. This mixture of Turkic, Persian, Russian and indigenous Caucasian influences makes the country a crossroads with a multifaceted culture. It would be fabulous if world-famous Azerbaijani musicians such as jazz singer Aziza Mustafazade, traditional muqam performer Alim Qasimov or traditional musician Alihan Samedov can do the interval... though I fear that Ilham Aliyev's son-in-law, the dismal Emin will end up having a big role. Emin lavishly launched his English-language pop career in London earlier this year, complete with expensive promotions and a blitz ad campaign with his face on posters around the London Underground. Needless to say, it has amounted to not much.

World-famous Azerbaijani jazz singer, Aziza Mustafazade

Good luck Azerbaijan! I hope that the next 12 months preparing for the Eurovision will contribute to the transformation of the country into one that its citizens would be worthy of being proud of even more.

Eurovision 2011 - The Aftermath

The dust is beginning to settle on yet another Eurovision, with the contest heading off the furthest east it has ever gone to the Asian edge of Europe in Baku, Azerbaijan, scheduled for 26 May 2012. Before going into the geopolitical, social and logistical ramifications of this win and the 'logistics', let's review how the songs of this contest won or lost.

Finland - Boring presentation, really.
Bosnia-Herzegovina - Dino Merlin can thank his superstar status among the Balkan peoples for his 6th place, and the fact that the large number of Bosnian refugees live in countries whose own entries (plus those of countries of larger and/or better organised diasporas) had not made it through to the final i.e. 12 points from Norway.
Denmark - Professionally performed song which did well to get fourth place. Had it been later on in the draw, it could have won.
Lithuania - Dated song, not the best presentation, though well sung and I could immediately see this would appeal to Eastern European tastes, which it did. Did well to not come last as predicted.
Hungary - She was out of beat of this dated dance number. Dress was horrible. Like Iceland 2010, one for the gay fanbase only.
Ireland - Excellent visual presentation, definitely one for the kids. However, it was obvious that the twins hardly sang the song and relied heavily on the 'back-up' singers to carry it through.
Sweden - Convincing performance of a contemporary song that deserved its third place.
Estonia - She couldn't sing and looked like she gave up towards the end - hence the low score.
Greece - I can't believe this came seventh place!!! The UK bucked its trend of giving high points in recent years to Greece by giving nothing for this poor song. Graham Norton pointed out that the rapper, Stereo Mike is a professor of music at the University of Westminster and that come Monday Norton thought he could be out of a job - apt! I suspect that the 8 points from Russia was the result of an Armenian push to stop Azerbaijan, which could be the story for other points around Europe.
Russia - The Sovietsphere audience did not go for this, possibly tired of the former Alex Sparrow's cockiness and overexposure, which meant it died. Alex must be gutted. The song was presented very professionally though, but there's a limit to ego.

France's Amaury Vassili - someone needs some conditioner in that mop, and a new suit

France - The favourite?? I had not seen a live performance by Amaury Vassili before Saturday night's show and relied solely on what turned out to be the hype created by Eurovision fans who obviously are unfamiliar to opera. I can't say that I am a regular listener of opera but I have been exposed enough to it to see and hear immediately on Saturday night that Amaury was obviously uncomfortable on stage, not used to singing in such an environment and is too young to sing such a song (as an opera singer friend of mine said, 19 is too young). Honestly, his singing was terrible and he looked like a dishevelled extra from Les Miserables. My previous commentary that the push for this aria was more a delusional case of some Eurovision fans to prove to themselves that they have culture has been vindicated.
Italy - The best surprise of the night! The fans had left this for dead leading up to the finale. Obviously as much as they can't spot bad opera, they can't spot good jazz. Raphael clearly is a professional live musician and singer who is so comfortable with performing and enjoys what he does that it shone. The fact that this jazz number had unexpected but neatly-woven Neapolitan elements also made it more than just another jazz song. A thoroughly deserving song. And to think so many fanboys are at a loss as to why this song did so well - yet another sign of their actual lack of exposure to a wider range of music styles.
Switzerland - The reason why it's unlucky to perform after the ad break is that the break is so short for today's standards, with many people having yet returned from the loo. So many people missed this one. The ones who didn't had to face a girl wearing a red sparkly dress that didn't match the song, rendering the presentation as unconvincing.
UK - Backdrop was fantastic and the song was great. The suits that Blue were wearing just didn't go with the song (see Sweden for more convincing costuming) and Lee, who had to sing a large part of the song, obviously couldn't get those many high notes - he looked like he was in strain. 11th place is still good but this goes to show that Blue is not that big in Europe. Plus, the prevailing attitude that 'if Blue can't win it, who can' has only solidified Eurovision's career graveyard status for UK artists. This doesn't bode well.

UK's Blue should have stuck to wearing this!

Moldova - Definitely the fav song for the all the rock, non-Eurovision-fanboy viewers out there and deservingly so. I enjoyed it. Zdob si Zdub did what they do well and great to have some Moldovan elements. By the way, the hats they wore were an exaggerated, crazy adaptation on the woolly hats that Moldovan peasant men wear - cool!
Germany - Lena has transformed from teen to vamp. Great presentation though a bit too moody for the Eurovision audience. A song like this was not going to do well with Eurovision's rather pedestrian televoters. Still, very professional performance and song and only goes to show that Lena has a great career ahead of her. Just drop the fake accent!
Romania - Ugh! As what one blogger commented, this is something you would have seen on Seaside Special in 1978. Romania is a powerhouse for light dance numbers throughout the non-English speaking world and all they could dredge up was this...?
Austria - Yes, the girl can sing but the Disney ballad was trite.
Azerbaijan - The comment made by a casual Eurovision viewer friend of mine (i.e. not a fanboy) summed this song up - it's aaahhhhhhhh. The sweetness of the song and the simple yet appropriate stage presentation guaranteed that it would do well on the night, despite what some fanboys had to say about the singers' abilities (the same guys that were applauding France for his "opera", mind you). However, what is proving to be the most important factor these days for a win at Eurovision is that Azerbaijan's 'Running Scared' was one of the very few songs from this year's contest that has been getting airplay on mainstream radio stations in certain countries around Europe. Airplay was key to Lena's victory with 'Satellite' last year, and the lack of airplay for Blue's 'I Can' this year definitely contributed to their fall. The fact that this was one of the few songs that was immediate in its appeal also added to its winning factor. As for the Turkish diaspora helping this song win... that didn't happen. Germany gave few points, and the UK and Macedonia (for instance) gave none, despite being home to large Turkish communities.

Italy's Raphael Gualazzi - a pleasant surprise!

Slovenia - Maja Keuc was just too weak with what should be very strong vocals for such a song. Plus, the song itself was about 8 years old in style.
Iceland - Sentimentality can only stretch so far
Spain - Despite a last minute surge by fanboys as to its merits, it was too light to make an impact. Spain by numbers, really. Hey, if Spanish fanboys didn't like it, how is the rest of Europe supposed to?
Ukraine - Amazingly scooped up the Sovietsphere and Eastern Europe votes away from Russia. Obviously its position towards the end of the night and, most of all, the hypnotic allure of the sand art (the true star of that performance) helped this into fourth place. I did like it how the Guardian wrote on its live blog that it was expecting the sand artist to toss it all in and end up drawing a willy.
Serbia - It was cute and all but this song ended up only with high-ish points from ex-Yugoslav states and low scores from countries where the Serbian diaspora live.
Georgia - Graham Norton was almost correct in saying that if you like rock, then you'll vote for this one as there is no other rock song (not correct as Moldova was in there too). It was competent enough.

Winner of Ukraine's Got Talent and star of Ukraine's Eurovision performance - sand artist Kseniya Simonova

That's my analysis for this year. I would like to make a special thank you to all the Eurovision bloggers out there, especially Piglet, for their dedicated work in keeping Eurovision fans informed about the lead up to the world's most biggest television show.

Coming up... how will Azerbaijan cope with hosting Eurovision? Finances are not a problem but are they aware of what social impact it will have on the country and Europe as a whole? And how does the ongoing animosity with Armenia affect preparations? Stay tuned...

Azerbaijan wins Eurovision Song Contest 2011!!!

Needless to say, I am very, very, very happy!!! Well done to Eldar and Nigar for their excellent performance tonight, and very proud of Nigar for acknowledging Turkic solidarity by carrying the Turkish flag when going to the stage in Düsseldorf to collect their prize.

Also, a special congratulations to Raphael of Italy for coming an impressive (and unexpected) second place for his excellent, Italian-tinged jazz number. None of the Eurovision fanboys predicted this. Goes to show that there is room for jazz at the Eurovision.

I will be interviewed on the BBC World Service in a few hours from now, to give my perspective of the geopolitical and unexpected organisational ramifications of holding the Eurovision Song Contest next year in Azerbaijan. More on that later...

Eurovision Song Contest 2011 - My predictions for the big night

Well, the two semi-finals for this year's Eurovision have passed us. What I can say is that I enjoyed it in lovely company and to the accompaniment of a lot of alcohol. However, the quality of this year's performances left a lot to be desired, resulting in an upsurge of alcohol consumption on my part to maintain the capacity to withstand the onslaught of horrible dresses, bad singing, stage props, petty nationalism and bad music. I found the first semi-final to be quite boring and was rather happy that there were some upsets in the voting. The second semi-final was delightfully entertaining, only for disappointment to set in and ruin the evening when a load of rather piss-weak and gimmicky acts made it to the final while true talent and entertainment was washed away. Oh well, what was I expecting??

Despite my cynicism, there are two songs that I will be supporting tomorrow night. The first is Blue from the UK.

My ultimate favourite is Azerbaijan


Most of the rest of tomorrow's nights offerings are as appealing to me as a cup of hot fat with a hair in it.

I have made my top 10 predictions though (definitely not my favs):

10. Ukraine - Just because of the sand artist. The singer Mika is just an annoying feature and should get out of the bloody way.
09. Georgia - Only because they're on last and the Georgian embassy staff have been handed the mobiles to go redial crazy (need to win that diplomatic war with Russia you know - they established relations with Tuvalu to stop their possible recognition of Abkhazia!). The lead singer had a 'krazzy' but dowdy frock on, but if she wants to be convincingly 'kool', she should ditch the late 80s 'nice girl' perm (that was cool on '21 Jump Street', not now) and go more punk or Lady Gaga. You're just not cutting it... erm... perhaps you should cut it.
08. Ireland - The Grimes twins have a fancy backdrop to distract the easily-hypnotised masses from their lack of musical talent (see Ukraine), plus it always helps to have the out-of-sight backup singers carry the song when you can't sing. The kids will love it, just like they did with those Latvian pirates a few years ago.
07. Sweden - The rather precious Eric Saade knows how to be all Justin Timberlake about it. I wonder if the Jerusalem Post have warned their right-wing Israeli leadership that he is part-Palestinian? He's had probs with his exploding box (don't we all!) but he has enough energy to dance it (if not sing it) through. Poor guy, though, has been bombarded with the type of gay speculation that Keanu Reeves used to face - if some gays fancy some good looking guy, then the object of this affection must obviously be gay too. Oh, the delusional.
06. Austria - Europeans love a good Disney-style ballad. This song reminds them of Mariah Carey who they hold up still as being the pinnacle of class and high music taste. Of course, when I think of Austria, I think of gospel-style singing. Must have been all of those dark foreigners that Austrians just adore who brought this music in.
05. Russia - The artist formerly known as Alex Sparrow loves his own shadow and is just sleazy to the max... perfect for the Eastern European audience! He's Russian, he's high profile in the Sovietsphere, he's gonna get votes, though he won't win. Only he is not convinced - too busy kissing his biceps. Just a tip for Alexei - less clothes, please!
04. Serbia - Well, because it's a 60s retro Motown rip-off, uptempo, familiar to the masses, colourful and a bit of a wake-up coming second to last in the running order after some slowish songs that double as cures for insomnia. Had this been in another position, I would have written it off. One for the Austin Powers fans out there or, as one Serbian turbofolk singer stated, lovers of jingles for washing detergent ads.
03. UK - Though much is said about how well-know Blue is throughout Europe, I have seen hardly anything written about them in the Eastern European press. That is the complete opposite to Israel's Dana International whose every move was being monitored, photographed and commented. Actually, just relying on these papers, other than the local rep, you would have thought that Dana International was the only singer at this year's kitschfest. Alas, the girl was robbed on Thursday night, despite owning the stage and the arena with her supermodel strut. OK, back to Blue - yes, well, they'll do well, but no gong for them. I can't see them getting enough high marks from Eastern and Southern European countries to make it past the line. Go ahead boys, prove me wrong!
02. Azerbaijan - Well, call me biased (because I love the song) but their performance on Tuesday night was stunning, simple and gave me goose bumps. It deserves to win. However, I can see some European voters being put off voting for a country they have never really heard of. Plus, with Armenia out of the pool, the Armenian brigade will be doing their best with their 100 mobiles each on redial voting for some other country all in the effort to make sure their nemesis does not win. Azerbaijan hosting the country will be used as a propaganda piece to showcase 'Azeri suffering from Armenian aggression' etc. So the Armenians have been told that they must vote for another three minute song sung in English in a music style originating from the US sung by young girl/young guy/group who have never been to the US so as to avenge for the death of their grandmother by those 'evil Turks'. While Turkish satellite TV stations have been bombarding their viewers throughout Europe urging them to vote for their 'Turkish brothers - Azerbaijan'. Ah, the lows of nationalism.
01. France - Why? Not only as a self-convincing and inherently pretentious ploy to fool everyone and themselves that the Eurovision (and therefore European) public has 'kulcha' (because it is, as one self-described 'opera fan' stated on a Eurovision forum, an 'operatic song' - obviously never heard of an 'aria' then), but because like last year's winner Germany, France is a creditor nation. Therefore, as a reward for being a bank for the rest of Europe, it's time for the vassal states to pay tribute to the great benefactor by giving it 10 and 12 points and the kudos of winning. Besides, it's one of the few countries that can afford the event, and Sarkozy is suffering in the polls and can do with a better distraction with the patriotic pump-up of a Eurovision win rather than being 'mister tough guy with the penis size issues' by bombing Libya.

Could this dweebish-looking guy with monobrow grab Europe by his crooked teeth with some op'ra?

Despite this, there are two countries that are the true winners of every Eurovision for the past decade or so - the USA and UK, and deservingly so. The showcase of dismal European pop culture that the Eurovision provides each year highlights how innovative, fun and resilient American (especially Afro-American) and urban UK music styles and culture are the pinnacle of cool worldwide. Eurovision acts merely are derivative versions of these. Even when they do mix a 'local' feel to things, there is still some American/British element to it, whether it be gospel or RnB intonations in the singing or using English. In this year's Eurovision final, the only countries that will not be singing (at least partially) in English and/or use a music style originating or influenced from the USA (especially Afro-American origin) or the UK are France (Italian opera) and Spain (Spanish/Latin American folk pop). So the USA and UK have won! Europe, your woeful pop culture is hardly getting the world to have fun...fun...fun...fun.

By the way, if you want to play a simple Eurovision drinking game but don't want to get too tiddly, how about this one: take a sip whenever you see a woman or an obviously straight man (if there is such a concept of looking 'obviously straight') in the Esprit Arena crowd. Guaranteed to keep you under the blood alcohol limit. Actually, better not, or else you'll end up having to put up with the noise and bad costumes (how come the bat-wing sleeve is back?)

OK, that's enough. For all you who enjoy Eurovision for other reasons, have a great night and may your country win (even though it will be France, unless that's your country). I'd like to be proven wrong this time...

Oh No, It's Eurovision Part 1

OK, so I haven't been around for over 2 months now. Well, I do have a life (well, sorta) which gets the better of me. Believe me, I've wanted to make many comments about the latest happenings. But before I launch myself back to picking to shreds the hypocrisy of our free world, there's something else that is currently taking up my interest - the upcoming 56th Eurovision Song Contest (otherwise known as 'Gay Christmas') to be held over three nights from 10th to 14th May in the rather dull German city of Düsseldorf. Interestingly, some people in the UK pronounce the first syllable of Düsseldorf as if it rhymes with 'fuss', but what's an umlaut anyway except two dots above a vowel? OK...

For the past few months, along with the hubby, I've listened to the songs and have often covered my head and shouted 'No... good lord, nooooo!' when I discovered that the fair televoters and 'expert jury' (yeah... right) have found it in their wisdom to ditch some brilliant potential Eurovision songs for the bizarre and tasteless. Case in point is this three minute of joy by the lovely (and extremely bonkers) Jamala from Ukraine. Do what she says and .... Smiiiiiile


Unfortunately Jamala will not be gracing the stage in Düsseldorf (boo, hiss), but more about this year's Ukrainian entry later.

43 countries will be participating at this year's event, and I plan now to go through them all and give them my take. Before we proceed through this veritable buffet of bizarre and bombs, I would like to point out why I love this contest so much. As a child in Australia, I was fascinated with languages, flags and different cultures, plus the allure of Europe, where I had spent part of my early childhood, as a place of culture and fashion. So when a local, multicultural TV station started showing the Eurovision in Australia, I took to it like a wind machine and an awkward male-female compare combo typical of Eurovisions past. To hear all these languages being sung, often with a little local flare added in, was like all my Christmases arriving at one. And like Christmas, it came annually. Australia had a fashion lag back then (2 years on average) so we would watch Eurovision to see what Europe is wearing and what the colour de jeur is. When it was purple one year, I knew that would never take on in blokey Oz.

Over the years my Eurovision focus gradually changed... to a cynical bent, full of derision but also of celebration. It no longer was a rare source of world pop. With the advent of the Internet, music from around the world has become more accessible so nowadays listening to something like Turkish rock, Portuguese protest songs or Saami yelping is just a mouse-click away. With the greater competition, Eurovision songs have lost their former edge. However, for what it lacks in music, it surelay makes up with outrageous characters, stage performances and the madness and underlying political machinations of the voying. The contest now for me is a celebration and embarrassment of kitsch, over-the-top camp, mixed with intense but petty nationalism. It's hilarious that so many people in Europe and beyond hold the interests of their nation's pride at stake based on the fortunes of a 3 minute pop song sung in English and based on a music style that originates from Afro-American music styles... très European. Watching from afar, we can laugh at those supposed 'sophisticated' and 'cultured' Europeans and realise that they are human and that they love crap like anyone else. Still, like any pop medium barometer (like awards such as the Oscars), many grabbed by the excitement of Eurovision do see themselves to be more cultured that what they are really are, with this quest to convince themselves as being 'cultured' a subliminal determiner in their otherwise faddy music choices. Watching this happen is hilarious but essentially human.

I must also add that I have not watched a Eurovision since 1999 without being under the influence of alcohol or (as was the case in 2008) chemo drugs. I did, however, watch the first part of the 2003 contest sober and I can safely say that it was a truly horrifying experience (and, as mentioned earlier in this very sentence, I've been under chemo, so I don't say this lightly). Anyway, Mr. Music, please press the play button and let the tunes fly...

Making my way geographically, here are this year's songs

Azerbaijan - Eldar & Nigar - Running Scared
I thought I would start with my favourite song this year, but don't get too excited. Eldar is a nice Azeri boy plucked from obscurity after a long-winded selection process (which most likely involved a fair amount of 'favours' passing hands) to sing with the obviously much older, London-resident mother of two, Nigar.

What I like is that this song is 2011, sweet and ready for a radio playlist, which is not something you can usually say for Eurovision songs. Unfortunately, the obvious age difference between the otherwise on-screen lovers is quite apparent, so this could be one for the cougar vote - an ever lucrative and growing market out there. The Azeris, especially the ever smiling first lady Mehriban Aliyeva, have been itching to win the event so as to showcase how fantastic oily, Alievy Azerbaijan is and to have one up on the Armenians. Will they win it this year? I don't think so, but top 5 is on the cards... otherwise heads will roll and it will be back to the Azeri 'Win Eurovision' drawing board.

Since I mentioned Armenia, let's move on their number
Armenia - Emmy - Boom Boom
Yes, the lyrics are imaginative. Here's Emmy performing to the Armenian audience in frock with horrible sleves that her mother must have run up on a Singer sewing machine

My verdict - yuk is too kind. Just to let you in that the Eurovision staging for this song has a boxing theme, so to team with the theme dear Emmy will be seated in a huge boxing glove. Umm... yes, I am off the chemo and saying that with a sound mind... sorry.

Next up, the former Soviet republic of Georgia and Elrine with One More Day

Some Eurovision fans have called this the worst Eurovision song eva! Now that's a bit harsh. I just think that they are bunch of tryhard wannabes. Sorry guys, you're just not as cool as you make yourselves out to be.

Turkey - Yüksek Sadakat - Live It Up

I loved YS when they first burst onto the Turkish pop/rock scene about 5 years ago. There was something so un-Turkish about them then. So when I heard they were chosen to be Turkey's reps this year, I was thrilled. Well, the thrills quickly disappeared upon hearing this 'dull as dishwater' drabble of pub rock. Really guys, is this the best you could do? No soup for you!

Cyprus - Christos Mylordos - San aggelos s' agapisa (I Loved You Like An Angel)

Honestly, there are literally hundreds of songs that are released that sound like this in Cyprus and Greece every year, so musically it's unoriginal and boring for listeners of contemporary Greek music. As for the rest of Europe who only get to hear this type of dead horse flogging at Eurovision once a year, this will be just ace and remind them of their sunny times on holiday being ripped off on a Greek island where the bartenders overpour the spirits in that non-EU way. Still, that won't be enough to get it past the first hurdle, no matter what silly staging they have (trust me, they do have some gimmicks). Plus, Mr Mylordos (is that really his name??) is not pleasant on the eye, so that's points deducted. So it's a no from me.

Israel - Dana International - Ding Dong
Yes, the one and only Dana, the Diva herself, 1998 Eurovision winner and the only (known) transexual to have taken the gong is back with her self-penned Ding Dong

Not her best work (a recurring theme here), but compared to some of the other female-led dance numbers in this year's batch this is the best one. The Eurovision version has been souped up for 2011 with a hint of Lady Gaga to it, and I'm not talking about the rumour of appendages. I would like to see this in the top 10, and unlike most others participating this year, Dana has the advantage of being familiar to televoters. However, the fanboys, not ones for reality, want time to stand still and have their 'Diva' like she was in 1998, feathers and all. Needless to say, they are already being spolit kids in a supermaket aisle about it kicking the boxes of cereals. But watch out for the fancy frock Jean-Paul Gautier has ready for her this year - it definitely won't be bought from Zara.

Greece - Stereo Mike and Loucas Yiorkas - Watch My Dance
Ummm...

Well, I knew this song was going to be picked by the Greek public. Why? Because in true Greek mainstream (i.e. nationalist) narrowmindedness, they will only go for a Greek-style song. This song is horrid and then even ore horrible on top of that. The 9/8 beat of the 'Greek-style' part sung by Loucas Yiorkas is known as 'zeibekiko', which is based on a Turkish folk dance (so it's not even Greek) - a beat that European audiences won't get. Neither will they get the supposed rapping by the London-based Stereo Mike. I mean someone (like me, or better still, Simon Cowell) should sit Mr Mike down with a cup of tea, hold his hand and tell him in that 'nice' voice: Mikey, sweetie, you are not from the ghetto and you can't rap. To think, he has a successful rap career in Greece. No wonder the country is bankrupt. This death march of a song surely will bomb like a Mafia victim with concrete boots.

Albania - Aurelia Gaçe - Feel The Passion
All those fans of Albapop will rejoice over this number

But yeah, so how many albapop fans are there out there? Besides Albanians, well... no one. I do love Albanian pop and I love the 36 year old Aurelia. Yes, she claims she's 36! That's a helluva lot of makeup you're wearing there Aurelia. Me thinks you remember Hoxha's Cultural Revolution of the late 60s. Moving along, I like it but it's too Albanian for European tastes. Perhaps a wardrobe malfunction could help then.

Macedonia - Vlatko Ilievski - Rusinka (Russian Girl)
I have to brag here - I was the first person in the World to tweet that Vlatko Ilievski won the 'honour' to represent Macedonia at this year's Eurovision. Strangely enough, the Macedonian selection concert was not an event that was setting the Twittersphere on fire, so I can't really compare myself in terms of groundbreaking scope as the guy who twittered Osama Bin Laden's death, but hey, it comes close.

Word in Macedonia had it for months before the selection contest in February that Vlatko was going to represent Macedonia at the Eurovision. Macedonians were wondering then why bother getting another 19 performers to compete at some badly-organised event in Skopje then? Besides, wasn't MKTV bankrupt anyway> Still, everyone went through the motions and, low and behold, what a coincidence, Vlatko won (overwhelmingly). Of course it has nothing to do with his links to the ruling nationalist party - that's just stuff and nonsense. Naturally, this song at first was a total disaster for me (I think my exact words were 'please, make him stop!'). However, after a few listens I warmed to it. Unfortunately the rest of Europe won't get multiple chances to hear this weak song for them to change their initial impressions which I expect will be no different from mine. At least Vlatko's early return will save Macedonian TV some money on hotel costs.

Serbia - Nina - Čaroban
Nina was nobody before being plucked from obscurity and winning the chance to represent Serbia. Lots of colour

I'm not one for retro 60s motown numbers like this. Extremely unoriginal, but seeing things with the cup half full, another example of how resilient and universal (Afro-)American pop culture is. Well done USA and sucked in Europe! However, I have an issue with the translation - Čaroban should be 'charming' and not 'magical', but why consult a professional translator (like myself)when there is Google Translate.... hmmm.

Bosnia-Herzegovina - Dino Merlin - Love In Rewind
Really Dino....?

Much like with Turkey, when I heard that one of my most favourite (ex-Yugo) singers was going to represent Bosnia-Herzegovina, I was so excited and expectations were running high. Dino Merlin has written and sung many great songs throughout his career. Alas, this is not one of them. Sounds like he whipped this lame piece of noise in 5 minutes while answering the phone and cutting his toenails. I want this to fail miserably as punishment for Dino so he never does this sloppy work ever again. Don't let him get away with it! However, for some reason unbeknownst to me, this is a favourite to walk away with the bad piece of modernist art posing as the Eurovision 2011 prize. Yes! Please explain!?!?

Croatia - Daria - Celebrate
Just think, they had a Pop-Idol type contest to select this

'Salivate', oops... I think the German-born Daria means 'Celebrate', is as exciting as a stale old piece of toast. To think this song in English was originally called 'Break A Leg'. If only she could have! That's mean of me, but that's life. A big NO for me. Please, bring back Doris Dragović from 1999 with Marija Magdalena! Now I'm sounding like a sooky fanboy.

Slovenia - Maja Keuc - No One

Not bad, a bit dated but then again when has that been a problem at Eurovision. This song has that interesting notation in the chorus to make what other would be a boring ballad interesting. Unfortunately for Slovenia, it somehow starts with minus 50 points so if Maja gets to sing her song on Saturday, this will be some achievement. Crazier things have happened, like Maja's country making the Football World Cup in 2010!

Oh No, It's Eurovision 2011 part 2

Bulgaria - Poli Genova - Na Inat (In Spite)

As was often the case with most countries, Bulgaria had a kaleidoscope of much better songs that it could have chose. Instead, they opted for this pissed-off chick who seems to have spent too much time P!nk clips on MTV. Poli is well-known to the Bulgarian audience because, unlike her competitors, she appears every night as the lead singer for a house band on a popular talk show. I have a big issue with this song... yet another translation problem (I focus on the big issues, as always). 'Na Inat' was at first translated as the rather polite 'In Defiance', which would suggest some sort of rationale and dignity to her stance. Then the powers that be decided it should be translated as 'No Matter What'. My response to this decision was 'What the Fuck'? Then I saw some people translate the song title as 'For Spite'. When in English do you do anything 'For Spite'? Perhaps it was a typo and they meant 'For Sprite' as part of some subliminal but strategic product placement campaign by Coca Cola. No, no, 'Na Inat' means 'In Spite' and not just any old spite. 'Inat' in Bulgarian and many Balkan languages means that annoying, obnoxious, stubborn spite where someone is doing something just for the sake of being opposite for no other reason but for fun and pissing people off. Now that best describes what this song is doing to me.

Romania - Hotel FM - Change

Who thought of the pathetic name for this band? Hotel FM? That's like the piped music you get at a Hilton or Sheraton? This song does very little for me. Only thing interesting about this combo is the Brit leader singer has a naughty video lurking about the interwebs.

Moldova - Zdob şi Zdub - So Lucky

These guys have come back to the Eurovision stage after they brought along a rocking chair grandmama the last time they represented Moldova at that country's debut in 2005. This time they promise to bring a woman playing a trumpet riding a unicycle while the bandmembers wear dunce hats. Honestly, who thinks of these things up???

Ukraine - Mika Newton - Angel

And this bet Jamala! Yeah, go figure. Mika Newton (no confirmed relation to 'let's get physical' Olivia) can thank her good looks and vocal abilities for her music career and her win at the Ukrainian selection contest... oh, and her multibillionaire husband who holds great sway. In true ex-Soviet nouveau-riche, 'fake tan and bright pink Armani tracksuit with all the diamonds on at lunchtime by the pool in Monte Carlo' style, Mika and the Ukrainians have decided quantity over quality for the stage show (no less than three kitchen sinks this time). Now I wish I could have the warped mind to think of this 'great' idea but Mika's performance will include the winner of 'Ukraine's Got Talent' who happens to be a woman whose forte in life is being a 'sand artist'. Yes, she'll be creating (with her very own sand box) on the stage, with the art being projected on to a screen behind Miss Newton. No sign of the acrobats though, but we still have time to throw them in.

Russia - Alexey Vorobyev (aka Alex Sparrow) - Get You
Russia wants to win again...

Cheese, cheese and more cheese. Alexey, a sprightly Muscovite, Russia's answer to Danny Zucco, who is quite full of himself and has accomplished quite a lot in his 23 years on this planet, is singing this number penned by none other than the Moroccan Swede known as 'RedOne' (I suspect his mama does not call him that) who just happened to have written the ditty 'Poker Face' by someone you may have heard - Lady Gaga. Petrol is up near record prices again (just like in 2008, when Russia won last time) so they are wanting it back again to go OTT from the last time they went OTT (see Ukraine). I get the feeling that RedOne has given the Russians a song some big name Western singer rejected, much like what Peter Waterman, the man behind Kylie Minogue's early success in the late 80s/early 90s, did last year for the UK's awful, bottom of the scoreboard number. Not to be outdone by those pesky Ukrainians, the Russians too believe in the mantra that when all else fails, throw more kitchen sinks for guaranteed success. Alexey is well known to viewers of Russian TV (which means the whole Sovietsphere - he's won a season of Russia's 'Dancing With The Stars' for heaven's sakes) and he is a good performer, even though he does come across as sleazy. If you're still interested, there are nudie pics of Alexey available on the Net which scream 'twink gay pornstar' more than anything else. Still, I expect this song to be top 5.

Belarus - Anastasiya Vinnikova - I Love Belarus
A stroke of genius by the Lukashenko propaganda machine

This piece of stereotypical Belarussian estrada will take the Sovietsphere by storm. Some background: during Soviet times, Belarussian bands such as 'VIA Pesnyari' were extremely popular, mixing of traditional Belarussian folk melodies with mainstream pop and inoffensive rock - a music style ex-Soviets immediately associate with Belarus. So, this song will stir a nostalgic ring to those in the Sovietsphere with its Belarussian 'fakelore'. It wasn't straightforward for Belarus to come to a chest-beating ode of patriotic ego-stroking. The first song chosen was called 'Born in Byelorussia'... which contained lyrics evoking nostalgia for the USSR - not PC for the Eurovision. That was changed to 'I am Belorussian', but that was then replaced with the current number when it was discovered that it breached early publication rules. No matter what happens, this song is a win-win for Lukashenko. If it does well, Lukashenko will be able to bloat that ordinary Europeans, unlike their governments, obviously love Belarus. If it fails, then Batka can blame those pesky Europeans for applying their double-standard politics in their efforts to destroy Belarus. Genius! I personally like the song as I have a weak spot for Eastern European estrada pop with a bit of synthesized cimbalom. Why? Don't you?

Lithuania - Evelina Sasenko - C'est Ma Vie

Ugh! Nuff said

Latvia - Musiqq - Angel in Disguise
Yes, yet another song about an angel (must be a Eurovision rule to have a few in each contest)

This one has totally missed me, so... next

Estonia - Getter Jaani - Rockefeller Street

Naturally, when I think of Estonia, I think of addresses in Manhattan, New York. Well, that is what this song would suggest. Yet again, it's a poor, derivative European take of another American music style, and this time they didn't even bother leaving the subject content out of the US either. This is another fav to win. I don't think it stands a chance. What's with the beebop in the middle? By the way, Getter will do some magic trick to wow the audience in her song. If they're stooping to this, the Estonians must then think not much of the song itself.

Finland - Paradise Oskar - Da Da Dam

A copy of Belgium's Eurovision song of last year, this is one that the mummies and grannies will adore. I can see Mr Oskar having a group of cougar groupies following him for months after his performance. Be afraid, Paradise.

Sweden - Eric Saade - Popular
Hubby loves this one...

I'm not that miffed. Prop alert for the stage show - it's shattering, to say the least.

Norway - Stella Mwangi - Haba Haba

Miss Mwangi, Shakira is on the phone. She wants her song back.
Honestly, below-par African pop. Any Congolese zoukous singer can run rings around this sad number. However, last year's winner was below-par Lily Allen/Kate Nash pop sung by a German pop brat with a fake Cockney accent. That shows how clued up the Eurovision audience can be when it comes to music, so this song has more of a chance than what it really deserves.

Denmark - A New Tomorrow - A Friend in London

Oh please! If we can't copy Americans, then we'll copy Brits. Even the band's name mentions London. FFS! Null points for originality. There's a YouTube clip out there mixing numerous songs worldwide that already sounded like this song. Get a haircut and an original song, you hippies! Still, the public love familiarity so this should do well.

Germany - Lena - Taking By A Stranger

Last year's winner is back to promote her new album, oops, I mean, defend her title. How could I think such a thing at first. It's not like her agent is hosting the show and he has his people and big band on board too... erm.... moving on. I'd like this song if it went somewhere. As it is, it's just like as it says on the packet - it's like being taken by a stranger and having no idea where you're going, or for that matter the stranger. I can't emphasise how much I can't stand Lena's faux Cockney accent - Lily Allen fakes it better than you because at least she comes from London. Not a winner but could shake things.

Poland - Magdalena Tul - Jestem

What an unfortunate surname you have there, Maggie - Tul (pronounced 'Tool'). There had to be at least one Katy Perry rip-off this year and this is it. Not even a guest appearance by Mr Katy Perry himself Russell Brand could save this one.

Slovakia - TWiiNS - I'm Still Alive

It's the year of the identical twins this Eurovision. Slovakia is providing the girl pair. I'm sure that some guys watching this show will have their ears prick up (amongst other things) once they hear that gorgeous Slovak twin girl barbies will appear. Their excitement will dissipate just as quickly when they realise that they won't be engaging in 'hot, girl-on-girl action'. Mind you, that is the only thing that will save this sugary number. To think, the only reason Slovakia is here this year is because a no-show would have cost Slovak TV more in cancellation fines. Surely shows how enthusiastic they are to be there. I say that they'll be checking out of their hotel before Saturday's final.

Hungary - Kati Wolf - What About My Dreams

As what one blogger said, so what about your dreams? Hubby LOVES this song, to the point that any criticism of it and out comes the virtual knives. As he'll be reading this, I'll say that it does the job... ok, I'm willing to face the gauntlet (the sacrifices I make). This song is a Eurovision fan favourite, which can be a curse. I see this song not doing that well. I mean, Hungary has no friends so no hope in hell in winning. Go ahead, prove me wrong Miss Wolf.

Austria - Nadine Beiler - The Secret Is Love

After a boycott of 4 years, Austria has finally mounted off its moral high horse and has deemed the Eurovision fair again. Are we overjoyed that they are back like a prodigal child? Nah. Austria could have sent an act called 'Trackshittaz' to the party in Düsseldorf, but no, the Austrian public opted for a former Pop-Idol winner singing a Disney-esque, sickly-sweet ballad that little and big girls Europe-wide think is 'nice'. My big problem is what is with her haircut?? Did she try cutting her hair herself or does she get the Council to do it? Maybe this is one of those European fashions that will be hitting Australia in 2 years time. Whatever, it's hideous. Nadine, don't come back until you've had your locks done by someone other than your baby sister.

Switzerland - Anna Rossinelli - In Love For A While

Such a standout that I totally forgot about it. Speeding past now...

Italy - Raphael Gualazzi - Follia d'amore

Yet another country who has returned to the fold. Italy turned its back to Eurovision after their 1997 entry was accused of slavishly copying a Roxette song. So pissed were the Italians that they took the attitude they took to fighting wars and ran away claiming that they never have been interested in the event anyway. Well, the Italians are back, and what do they serve us? Jazz by an ugly guy on a piano. You'd think 14 years in the wilderness and time to contemplate past successes and mistakes would have brewed up some interesting creative juices. Alas, no. Jazz never does well at Eurovision, so when this song gets a hopelessly bad score, we might bid farewell to the Italians for yet another 14 years.

San Marino - Senit - Stand By

Pretty please, could I have those three minutes back?

Malta - Glen Vella - One Life

Why Malta?? Why this? Again, they had some better options, but no, a younger, dimmer Maltese version of Mr Humphries from 'Are You Being Served' will camp us out. I'm afraid this song does not even have the 'one life' it propagates. Maltese hearts will be disappointed again, but Facebook fans will rejoice as it will generate another surge of new 'Malta Out of Eurovision' groups to join.